Liv is still going to school. The first full day went well for her. She made a little friend. She played on the playground and learned a couple of french words. She told me she had fun but that a 'big kid' (aka stinkin' bitch....Oops! Was that my outside voice?!) had pushed her off the stairs to the slide. But she seemed unscathed.
This morning, however, was a nightmare. Refusals to get dressed. Statements of hatred regarding school and all its' 'rules'. Anger with my reluctance to let her attend her second day of classes in her nightie.....And then tears. She cried and told me that she didn't like to be away from us for so long. That she prefers to 'learn outside'. That she missed how things were 'before'....and she missed Daddy.
I understand (I feel the same way, dammit!) but I told her that we had to give it a fair try. I said that she may just be feeling a bit nervous with all the new things that are going on and if she'd like, I'll stay with her for a bit.
I thought I was dreading her wanting to go to school. It turns out that having her NOT want to go to school is worse.....WAY worse.
We arrived at school, found her buddy and off she went. Into the depths of her classroom where I am not privy to every exciting, interesting, scary, joyful moment. I feel disconnected. As if something has been amputated. I stood outside her classroom for a bit straining to hear her little voice over the sounds of door slamming, squeals of laughter, teachers calling attention to their pupils. As I walked away, I peered into the room to see her smiling at one her classmates. No signs of terror or trauma. No tears. Just her little grin. I hope she'll be okay. I love her so.
The Silencing of a Poet
4 weeks ago