I don't know what's wrong with me. I went to the first support group meeting for people and their children experiencing trauma and met some other young widows. Liv met other children who have gone through similar experiences (loss of a large magnitude...not exact experiences, but similar). It felt good to see what other widows looked like. They don't look like they have black holes for eyes sockets as I feel I do at times. They don't look as lost as I'm sure they feel. I would pass them in the grocery store and be unaware that we are part of the same awful group that no one wants to be part of. I didn't think I'd cry or feel overwhelming emotions. But I did.
Now, I'm not sure if it is the cold that I'm fighting that is causing me this difficulty or if it was the resurfacing of fresh wounds but I spent the night and some of today fighting off panic attacks. Waves of terror. Feelings of losing control and fainting. Heart beating like a drum at an african dance. I am not liking this new transition. I feel scared to go out today. I am nervous of being alone. I am scared.
I keep hearing about the five stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I feel that I have felt all of these at various times in this journey. But I keep feeling them again and in different orders. Who made up this list? I want to ask them a few questions? Like, how do they think that grieving can be such a cut-and-dried process. Can you go backwards? Can you feel a multitude of these things in this confusingly simple list?
I hate this person. I hate this situation. I hate all of this. I want to be free of it, this goddamned stupid backpack of fucking pain, for just awhile. I want to sleep and rest and come at it fresh faced in the morning. But there is no reprieve. No break. Just varying waves of varying heights.
Just when I think I have things slightly figured out, they fall apart worse than before.
The Silencing of a Poet
4 weeks ago