Argh. Another panic filled night. Trying to calm myself with the rhythmic breathing of the kids. Counting. Trying to relax every part of my body. Then another wave of nauseating nervousness and panic rolls over and smothers me just when I think I've calmed down enough to rest a bit. I want to phone someone. But I don't want to wake anyone. I wish I wasn't here alone. Maybe I could call one of the drunk partying teenagers that I can hear across the marsh in between blasts of their firecrackers and ask them to come hold my hand.
This time of night, when most everyone is deep in their dreams and cozy in their beds is the worst time. I want to sleep. I think I can. And then it happens. I find myslef alone with my WORST fucking enemy....my thoughts. Am I having a nervous breakdown? Am I losing it?
I had no trouble falling asleep and into the waiting oblivion since only awhile after Jeff died. Now that's all gone. Even 'nap time' for Briar, when I would usually manage to sleep if I had had a bad night hasn't been restful the last two days.
Maybe 'Pretty in Pink' or some other eighties movie is on tv and I can flake out on the couch....Fuck, I miss Jeff. I wish he would just come home. I wish 'normal' would return.
The Silencing of a Poet
1 day ago