Thursday, September 11, 2008

all we have is now

I've decided to pull Liv from grade one at 'conventional' school. I think it's too soon to start after Jeff's death. I guess I'll never know for sure if her difficult reaction is due to school jitters or the loss of her daddy so recently; but I think her feelings of safety, comfort and security are foremost at this time. There are worries I have about this BUT I also feel that all we have is now. I have been worried about the future, what it holds and how to prepare for it. I have no idea what it will come but I do know that my poor child is struggling NOW. She repeatedly tells me she's afraid. This is the little girl who was NEVER fearful. Rarely shy. Now even putting her little legs in her blankets at night terrifies her as she doesn't know what's 'in there'. Walking through those doors at school is enough to put her into sobs of "PLEASE Mommy don't leave me! I'm afraid! Don't let go! PLEASE!!!" as the teacher pries her little body away from mine. I know that many children face this at the advent of the school years. I know that many parents are filled with trepidation when sending their little ones 'off into the big world'. But I feel that there is something more going on here. I don't feel that she is 'getting her way' as some have said. I feel that she needs me. I'm her mother. If she needs help getting through this right now, I need to be here for her. She'll be starting back at her 'old school' and we'll work on this together...as a mommy guiding her little one through some really crappy shit. And hopefully, Liv can start to feel safe again.

36 comments:

Ashley in Vancouver said...

You made the choice you felt was right for your child and no one should judge for that. I think you made a wise choice, it's hard to remember that these little people feel the same amount of hurt and fear after a trauma as an adult does.

You are doing great Jackie!!!

IamDerby said...

You know your child better than anyone, do what you feel is best

desha in NH said...

Poor little Liv! I can't imagine how tough it must be to try and comprehend everything that has happened in the last few months at such a young age. I think she will appreciate you listening to her fears and not discounting them. You are doing the right thing for you and your family. Don't let other people give you grief about what you feel in your heart is best for them.

cara said...

you do what you gotta do. fuck the negative nellys out there! no one knows your daughter like you do.

i hope your fearless/confident/happy girl returns as you begin "old school" again.

hugs to you all (an extra big one to liv) from mn.

Krista said...

Wow! Does this mean she'll be learning how to can pears and plums along with us tomorrow? Because it's one of the most essential 'subjects' for a child to learn, in my opinion

;)

See you soon.
In support, always, no matter what you choose, K.

darcie said...

Jackie - I'm soo soo sorry you have to go through this with little Liv. Only you know what is right for your family and only you can make the decision. Your number one priority is your wee ones and helping them feel safe and secure as they move along in this big big world we live in. I hope that things get easier for you, for all of you, very very soon.
Hang in there Jackie - and give those kidlets a little extra squeeze from your creepy peeps.
xoxo - darcie

Anonymous said...

Grace and Compassion NOT Judgement and Comparisons is all you should expect from your TRUE friends. You are her only advocate...she is so blessed to have you...

Hope you both enjoy the new adventure that lies ahead...

Amber Cardozo said...

Good on you. Be proud you care enough to make that choice.
Your words are amazing. What a women.

Take care


http://thenutrientsoflife.blogspot.com/

Kathryn said...

This post reminded me of one of the scenes from "Corrina, Corrina"- a favorite movie of mine.

When my son started pre-school, a fellow pre-schoolers mother suddenly passed away and the child was pulled out of the pre-school too for a year. It was just too much change and "stuff" to deal with at once. I hope you find peace in your decision...not that my opinion matters at all, but I think this will help Liv find some sort of balance again in her life.

Sending you hugs from here to there!

Springkell said...

excellent decision!
been watching your writing in the background and wondering what you would decide to do.
You have much, much more to offer her than school, right now and frankly for all of her precious childhood.
Ignore the 'you haven't given it long enough' those that have never tried home edding just don't understand.
Good luck, willing you on.

Anonymous said...

You know what's right for your child. Don't let other people tell you that you don't. You may want to consider getting Liv some grief counseling though. It might help her work through some of her feelings. I know here in Pennsylvania they have special grief programs for kids.

Eilie said...

A mother's instincts are rarely wrong. Go with what you feel is right and don't look back. Let her feel safe and comforted now. You absolutely did the right thing.

Namaste and hugs to all.

RRP said...

When I was in 4th grade, I started getting sick all the time. I never wanted to go to friends' houses or field trips. (And I previously was the most outgoing child.) I often left for school and ended up back home (I was a "walker") within 10 minutes because I didn't feel well. My mom brought me to the doctor and he said I was "making it up" and that I was just trying to avoid school though I said I loved school. My mom believed me and she took care of me and after a year of on and off illness, she found a doctor who believed me and we discovered I was lactose intolerant.

I realize this is not the same situation, but it was another mother knowing what her child needed above anyone else. I was terrified and sick and my mom believed me and that made all the difference in the world.

You're doing a wonderful job and your children are blessed to have such a loving, attentive mom.

~A Matt/Jackie Creep

indybarb said...

Dear Jackie:

You are Liv's Mom and you know her better than anyone else does. Don't ever let anyone steer you away from what you personally feel is right for your child. It seems that Liv will learn more in your presence than she will at the scary school......and really all we have is NOW. Children grow up so fast, and I truly believe you have done a really wonderful job of staying very connected to your kids at all times, even when it's been really, really tough. I have never had to go through what you are going through in that I have never had a spouse die, but I lived on my own with my two children for 12 years, and I know how tough that can be sometimes. The worry about the finances, someone constantly needing something when all you really want/need to do is shut down, house repairs and chores that lurk around every corner. Jackie, all you can do is chip away at it piece by piece and find snippets of joy along your journey (which you obviously do).

Have you read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth?" It is a must read for anyone and I think there may be some messages there for you. Also, if you just want a book to escape into, read "The Glass Castle" It's an amazing story, a memoir. Anyway, I'm actually listening to "The Glass Castle" on C.D., but as I was listening to it I had the thought that you should write a memoir for $$$. People who read your blog would buy it for certain, and of course then there are all their friends! I figure you write almost daily anyway, and if you wrote every day and had it published when you had it all together, it would be a great way to make some extra pocket money......or perhaps some big bucks. You have talent, that is for sure!

Jackie, you and Liv and Briar are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sending big warm hugs your direction and looking forward to hearing about Liv's better day, and seeing more of your pics. They are amazing!

Hugs,

Barb

Marissa said...

you know whats best - never doubt your mommy gut & mommy heart.

you will get through this. together.

my thoughts & prayers are still with you all.

Anonymous said...

Trust in the wonderful mother you are. As has been said, nobody knows your children better than you.

Believe in yourself, Jackie.

Laurie

maureen from the pa said...

Jackie-I have to agree with everyone. You know whats best for your kids. Don't listen to the others. I don't have children myself, but I truly think you are doing the right thing. I know that this is not the same thing, but my mom divorced when I was in 3rd grade and we moved to a new area/school, etc. I had such a hard time and often felt sick (I later realized that what I was experiencing were panic attacks). Everyone just thought it was me trying to be manipulative or get attention. Now that I am older I realize that this has caused me issues over the year with trust, fear, etc. I wish that someone would have taken me seriously.
You are a wonderful mother. Don't ever doubt that for a second...
And remember, the Creeps love you!

Katy said...

You did the right thing! That was a great decision for Liv at this time in her life, and for you too. I don't think you will ever regret it...because it's your gut maternal instinct and those are usually right on target.

Great job in listening to your inner voice...it is not always easy to do that!

--Katy

Neurotic Chic said...

Can't go wrong following your gut. Good for you doing it despite what "some" might say. You know what is best for Liv right now.

Kate said...

I think if that is what your gt is telling you, then it's the right thing to do. Hugs to you both.

Jenn said...

I didn't want to say anything before, but I am *SO* glad you brought her back home, where she belongs!!

leigh in the sav said...

good for you, jackie. i am so glad you made that decision and feel good about it. all that matters is how you feel as a family right now... the rest will work itself out. a big cheers from georgia for you today!

Alena said...

You are doing the right thing!

Mandy said...

Liv is a lucky little girl to have such a caring, thoughtful, and strong mommy.

Christa said...

I agree with everyone else. You are doing what's right in your heart. Must always follow one's heart.

<3

Hawkfeather said...

you probably don't need to hear it form me..

but good work momma!

I wonder sometimes about these rules..about when we are supposed to be certain places and why?

Waldorf theories have kids her age doing a second year of kindergarten because the emotional readiness for *school* varies form person to person.

I am not a huge supporter of the public education system anywho- but besides my personal views- I agree with your commenters here..you know your child..
she is magical and no doubt an individual.. her needs are unique- and you can meet them better than anyone.

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful Mommy! I agree that now is not the time to rush anything new.

Molly

cindy in the wv said...

I really hate that someone has told you that Liv is just getting her way. Did their child just lose their father? Sometimes people are so stupid.

TheSingingBird said...

trust your gut, it is where the solar plexus chakra is and a main source of power and wisdom♥

PB and Jazz said...

Jackie,

I would have done the same thing! Fear is such a powerful thing! No second guessing you here! Like I said before and will say again, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB! Sorry you and your kids have to go through this! It sucks!

small but vital said...

You totally did the right thing. Mother's intuition is incredibly powerful and you are wise and wonderful to listen and follow your heart.

We recently moved from Nanaimo to Vancouver and put our 7-year-old son into a neighbourhood public school. Until then, he'd been in a small community-oriented independent school in Nanaimo. He suffered terribly in the public school and was teased from day 1. The principal and teacher refused to address the situation and blamed us for being lazy parents and not enforcing discipline. My protests that he was only acting out in her classroom and not at home fell on deaf ears. He didn't make a single friend in 5 months at that school. Being new to Vancouver, it took us a while to find a better situation. He just started Grade 3 in a tiny independent school - he has 16 classmates in a grade 3 to 6 classroom and the change is incredible. He's back to his happy, contemplative self and already has a Best Friend.

Anyway the point of my sharing is to acknowledge that times of great transition are difficult for all of us, and the best thing we can do is to find what supports our childrens' souls. It looks like you have done just that and I'm so happy that you realized it so quickly and moved on.

You're ARE giving in to her - not in an indulgent way, but in the spirit of abundant life - you're giving her what she needs and that is a beautiful gift.

13mimosa said...

Oh gosh, I don't think she's getting her way at all Jackie - children want to be happy, why would she feign fear?! that's just mad. You don't need any validation of your decision, you've done exactly what's right for Liv and you'll work through it at your and her own pace. Others can be so quick to judge our decisions, particularly those as a parent, but we know the differences in our child's reaction to things. I really hope she gets over her fears now she's finished "the other" school and that she becomes more herself.

Poppy and Mei said...

Well done! Xxx

matt_in_the_los_angeles said...

i know this was a difficult decision for you.

you are an amazing mom...

Anonymous said...

(((((((HUGS))))))

I am Enough said...

Hi Jackie and Darcie! Thank you so much for absorbing the meaning of these bracelets and applying them to your daily lives! It gives me such joy to see the I am enough braclets - maybe - just maybe- actually changing people's outlook on themselves and confidence in the future. I know I personally need a daily reminder! (Whether I choose to believe it that day or not!)

Jackie, Darcie told me your circumstances. You don't know me, but I have been praying for you. One day you will laugh again. One of my favorite sayings is, "I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way." God has so many wonderful things in store for your family ahead. God bless. With God, you are, without doubt, enough! XO Jan