Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I need more dreams


A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was standing on a bridge looking toward the sea where a fishing boat was coming. I started calling out to it. I was calling Jeff's name. As it came closer, I could see Jeff standing on the bow waving to me. He jumped off the boat as it was about to go under the bridge and swam to me on the shore. He was laughing. He held me so close and I cried as he had me in his arms. I felt safe. I felt comfort. I felt protected. Most of all, I felt Jeff's love. I didn't want the dream to end. I was disappointed to wake and find that my life is what it now is. I need another one of those dreams. I need Jeff.
I am so lonely and lost. There are only two times in your life when you will comforted through the night when things are hard and scary. As a child, you have your parents to murmur in your ear through the nightmares. As you grow up, you must learn to comfort yourself. Then you find the person who changes your life. You wake from scary dreams or can't sleep with worry and you can turn to the person who loves you most and be comforted. I would do anything to feel Jeff's giant arm draped over my hip in the night and feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. To have him whisper in the darkness, "It's okay. I'm here, Snuggles." and pull me closer.
Instead, I wake to two little ones who look to me for assurance wrapped over me. I disentangle myself and wander through the dark house to find....nothing but more darkness. It washes over me and I want to scream. I feel like passing out or throwing up. I lay on the floor or sit with my head between my knees so that if I do faint I won't wake the kids with the thud of my body hitting the floor. No one would know. No one would come. No one could take away this pain. No one but Jeff. I want him back. I want him. I need him. I am so very lost.
Would it be weird to ask a friend to sleep in my bed with me? Just to be there when I wake. To reassure me that one day it will be okay? To hold my hand when it gets too much?
I just want some comfort. Some peace. Some sleep. And maybe if I sleep, Jeff will meet me on the other side and laugh while I cry in his arms.

22 comments:

darcie said...

Oh Jackie. I am soo soo sorry. I wish I was close enough to hop right into your bed, me and a hundred of my creepy friends, to make you feel alright - even if for just a moment.
I'm so so very sorry Jackie.
Sending you hugs from MN -
Creepy Darcie

Sol from Argentina said...

As Darcie said..Wish I was close to hold your hand and make you feel OK.
Deeply sorry but sure that you, like phoenix bird, will rise from the ashes.
Besos y abrazos
Sol

Dogs and Babies said...

Jackie, your blog today broke my heart--it reminded me of a movie I saw last week, that you may really relate to. Have you seen "The Things We Lost In the Fire" with Halle Berry? In this movie, she has lost her husband, and there is a scene when she asks one of her husband's friends to do just that--get in bed with her and hold her, so she could sleep--it was nothing romantic, just the comfort of someone's arms around you...don't know if that is helpful or not...May you find comfort...

indybarb said...

It would not be weird for you to ask a friend to comfort you at a time like this. I hope there is a friend close by who can comfort you through this time of sorrow, and hold you close and remind you that everything will be okay....some day. I personally have two friends who I know I could ask for that kind of comfort and it would not be the least bit strange. For the record, I have never asked......yet....but I know I could. We all need hugs and comfort from time to time no matter how grown-up we are supposed to be. I am crying in my keyboard for you and hoping that you have one of those wonderful dreams tonight when your head hits the pillow. Those dreams are reminders that we can still experience moments with our loved ones even though they are gone from our physical world. I look forward to those dreams too with the people I have loved who have passed on. Somehow, when I awake, I always feel as if the dream was real and that feeling always remains with me throughout the day. Awesome medicine for a tired soul : )

Hang in there Jackie and know there are a bunch of us out here rooting for you.

Love and Hugs,

Barb

Anonymous said...

Do it, honey. Anyone who is worthy of your love is the type of person who would be honored to do whatever it takes for you to feel comforted.

Laurie
XXOO

Kathryn said...

Dammit. I'm so far away but I'm going to look for the biggest, softest, plushest teddy bear I can find and send it to you to sleep with. My heart breaks for you and the pain you are going through. Why does this shit happen to such wonderful people? I'll never understand that. I'm mad for you....off to look for a punching bag!

Elfie33 said...

*hugs* I don't know what to say. If I lived closer I'd be glad to hold your hand.

Hallie said...

I think that you and the kids deserve to do what ever it takes to make the night shorter and the days sweeter...I don't know if it would help but have you tried lavender oil or lotion and a sound machine? Maybe the soudn would make the night see a little less empty? I hope you have someone that can offer you the safe place that you need...

Hallie

PS- I sent you an email - didn't know if it would get sent to the junk file! :)

Anonymous said...

at least once a day i think of you and your beautiful family (all strangers to me who've entered my life through your ability to write with such honesty). lean on everyone and anyone you can at this time. let their strength guide you, and know that so many people in the world are reading along and thinking how amazing you are!

Christa said...

::crawls into to bed with you and holds your hand::

leigh in the sav said...

jackie - i don't think your needs are strange and like everyone else on here, i would crawl into bed with you in an instant. (hope nobody takes that one out of context.) will fuckles spoon? i know that seems odd, but my dog, lucy, spoons/cuddles with me sometimes and it has a way of calming me down. and i certainly understand it it sorely inadequate, but maybe get a body pillow or something you can actually hold on to?? scratch that if you think it's dumb.

my thoughts continue to be with you...

Katy said...

Hi Jackie--

My heart breaks for you. I know it seems right now like there is no hope, but someday...someday I SWEAR you will look back at this horrible time in your life and be able to say, "Wow...I have come SO FAR." You will be amazingly proud of yourself for what you have survived. You will not want to return to this time for a million dollars...but you will feel pride at how you got through it.

I know that doesn't help right now, and maybe nothing will help right now...but just know that we all think of you daily.

Kate said...

I think we all wish we could crawl into bed and comfort you right now.

the DeAngelo ohana said...

another delurker creepy stranger friend from matts blog.

i am so sorry that this is so hard. i wish with everything that no one would have to go through this pain. you are in my thoughts and prayers.
jess

Melissa said...

Another creep de-lurking. Jackie, when this happened to my Mom my brother and I moved into her bed at night, and we all snuggled. It worked for a while.

I dont know if it will work for you, it didnt work for long with us because we are ALL kickers lol. But it worked for a while, and its a day at a time right now right?

Sending you HUGE cyber hugs from NJ.

Danielle said...

Thinking of you.

cindy in the wv said...

I miss I could give you some comfort. All I can say is I'm so sorry. Hey, buy a body pillow and put on of Jeff's shirts on it. ??? Maybe that will help.

katie j said...

Oh Jackie... I think you have a whole mess of Creeps that want to rush up there and climb into bed with you, hold your hand... anything to help get you through this terrible time.

Always thinking about you, always here for you.

**HUGS**
Katie J

manxlass said...

Hi, Jackie. Yet another vote in favor of asking a friend to join you for comfort while you get some sleep. If it's got this many votes, it can't be weird, right? I'm here in cyber-support; please go on expressing anything you want or need to share. People are here who care.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie.

I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now. But after your last post, I felt the need to write. My mom/best friend died three years ago August of a heart attack at age 61. Now I know husbands and moms are different souls, but the pain is the same.

If you love somebody with your whole heart, their absence is just horrifying. See, that's the thing no one talks about... the scary parts. They mention grief, sorrow, loss, anger. But where in the hell is the talk of panic, fear? What about the feeling that your touchstone is gone? Your chair has been pulled out from under you and you keep falling?

I promise you, it will get better. I'm not gonna tell you that it is easy, fast, complete or ever the same. But you will get through it.

And those kids are so lucky to have such an amazing mom. And from what I can see and read from your posts, had an incredible dad. You can see the kindness and spark that twinkle in his eyes. The kids will carry that on, for him and for you.

Know that there are hundreds of people all over this country thinking about you guys. Keep asking for support. It is there. We can help. Your writing is the best therapy there is. For all of us!

Much love and positive vibes,
Christi

Going Crunchy said...

Thoughts to you, strength to you. Shannon

Red Eyes said...

Glad I found this blog and wondering where you get your inspiration. I see you like reading but have you read the master and margarita?

If only I can find my way back through a trail, I would love to stop by again?