Monday, December 29, 2008

alone again

Robo left again. Gone. I don't know where. He's not happy. I'm horribly concerned but also tired of the gut-wrenching worry. I am having trouble sleeping and keep imagining awful things happening to him....and his lifeless body. I am completely impotent to help him. He won't accept my outstretched hand and I don't have much energy left to extend it. I want him to come home. But it is just so much to take right now. If he wants help, he knows where to go.
He is part of the family. He has been my emotional support and my shoulder. We take care of each other. But have I used his connection to Jeff as a bandage to protect the wound? Now that he's gone, the sore is raw, open and gooey again like it has been under a wet bandaid. It is much worse than it was when Robo was home. I miss Jeff more intensely. I feel his absence more acutely. Is it just that 'part' of Jeff that Robo brought with him or was it the comfort of his gentle presence? I don't know.
I do miss Robo intensely as well. His quiet way with the kids. His twisted sense of humour. His gentle comfort and constant companionship. The confidences he told me. His ability to listen to anything I have to say and take it in stride. His interest in the goings-on in the house.
I didn't feel so alone. I felt like someone would noticed if I 'fell'. Someone would care if I broke down. He was here and he cared.....And I felt the same for him. I cared.
But now, I'm angry. He left. He left my kids without saying good-bye. He had no real obligation to me or them but we love him and my kids have had them in their lives for longer than they can remember. I can't risk my kid's happiness as he comes and goes from their lives. The last thing Liv had said to him was "I love you, Bobo. When I get home can we start the sea monkeys you got me?" He is important to them and seems to forget how much they love him. They are asking where he is. When is he coming home? Can we wait to set up the sea-monkeys so Robo can do it too? How can he hurt them like that? How can he just leave home and not look back? What did we do?
The other night, after Robo had left, I sat crying wondering where he was and what demons in his head had caused his hasty departure. I sat in the dark with the extinguished fire until my feet got too cold. I went to my sock drawer and pulled out a pair of socks. They were the ones Jeff had put in my stocking last Christmas. Purple stripes. Soft and cozy. I pulled them on. And I remembered. Jeff loved me. I was worthwhile. I meant something to him as much as he meant the world to me. And that is all that matters, I guess.

13 comments:

Amber said...

Oh Jackie,
I am so sorry to hear this. Maybe he is just searching for some space and who knows why. I am so hoping he comes back to you guys.
I wish i could make it better for you...some how..
xxxx

darcie said...

I bet Robo loves you too - Men just have a *funny*?? way of dealing with the shit that life hands out - not that we women are any better at it - but we are better at expressing our thoughts and feelings at least. Damn him for taking off and not telling the kids - and you can tell him so when he comes back ~ hopefully he'll realize the impact it's left and never ever do it again.
Hugs to you and the kids Jackie -
creepy darcie

Kate said...

I am so sorry. I really hope he's ok.

Skye said...

Oh Jackie,
You have had enough of people leaving this year. And it sucks unbelievably that you and the kids have to mire through more of it. The silence when no one else is in the home except for your kids can be deafening at times. I know my friend and you will probably feel everything more acutely for awhile. But in those quiet moments you will find your own strength. It sucks and is probably the last thing you want to hear or have to deal with. But you can do this.

I can imagine how difficult this must be. Stirring up pain and loss from Jeff…but this quiet time, although painful, will also be healing I think. Not easy, but healing. You are an amazingly strong woman and good mother. You will survive this as will your kids and you will get to the other side. I can’t say what the other side will be…I am still trying to find that out for myself. But you will. I believe that.

indybarb said...

Dear Jackie:

I am so sorry. This must be an incredibly difficult time for Robo as well and hopefully after some soul searching he will be back and better than ever. I am certain you have been a wonderful friend/family member to this man, but sometimes the holidays do wierd things to people. As a mother we always want to protect our children, and for them we expect people to live up to their expectations......sometimes things just don't turn out the way we want them too, but for some reason children seem to remember the good times and the good things about people. They seem so much more resilient than the grown-ups!

Hang in there Jackie. I see your camera is bringing you joy still....and bringing us joy too. Thank you for sharing your vision and your words.

I wish I lived closer so I could give you a real hug. One of these days I want to meet you and Liv and Briar. You have become part of my life even though I have never met you. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys every day.

BIG HUG,
Barb

Marissa said...

I hope he just needed to find a dogcave & work through the things in his head and finds his way safely back home soon. **hugs**

TheSingingBird said...

Jackie,
I think your anger and your pain are equally important in helping you find your strength. They are emotions that come and go in such unexpected waves, but your strength is a constant underneath them, it's always there. I feel it so strongly when reading your words. I pray this comes to your aid when you will hopefully have a chance to tell your friend how you feel when he puts you and the kids through this each time he leaves without word. And I hope you can maintain healthy boundaries for your family in extending your love to him.

I have a family member who recently was experiencing waves of deep depression. She was feeling swallowed by them, and I remembered something that hopefully will give her a small foothold on her strength for the next onslaught that may or may not happen. She is still looking outside of herself, trying to find the right combination of Doctors/Therapy/Medication to help get herself back on her feet, and she is making some progress, but anyway...maybe this description will help your friend somehow...

It was from a radio interview with Dr. Wayne Dyer. He was describing a patient he'd had many years ago who was in a similar state of depression. He said that she told him that she noticed how depressed she was at different times and that she noticed her mood changing for different reasons and that she noticed how she affected her family and that she noticed....

He gently interrupted her to ask "Is the Noticer depressed?"

Dr. Dyer remembered the woman being startled by his question. Because she recognized that underneath her emotions there was a very strong Soul who was looking to heal and grow.

This hasn't been able to help my family member yet because she hasn't recognized that she has her own "Noticer", but I hope it can help your friend, even if he only hears it in a silent prayer from you.

I deeply honor and admire your love and strength Jackie, and I am praying for all of you♥

Poppy and Mei said...

Bugger...XXxx

leigh in the sav said...

jeff loves you - and so many others too - i am sure robo is one of them. i am so sorry you are struggling with this friend. it is so difficult to help those who may turn away from it... i'll pray he kicks those demons' asses - and realizes how much your family loves him.

Joan H. said...

Robo sounds like a man who needs
more help than a non-professional
can provide. It actually makes
me angry as I read how he is jerking you and your children around. You and your children
need to have non-toxic people
in your lives...you are dealing
with your own enormous pile of
shit that life has handed you.

I have suffered from depressive
episodes my entire life (I am
54 now) so I am not without
compassion for Robo but he must find his own way and not be
a malignant presence in the precious life of you and your children.

I wish so much for peace for you
and that you can be surrounded by
people who are nurturing to
you and your children.

hippymummy said...

So sorry that you're going through this again, it's really unfair - like you don't already know that! Wishing you peace of heart, love, health, happiness and only good things to come into your life for 2009. Brightest Blessings to you and your precious children xXx

Anonymous said...

Did Robo ever come back?

Lori said...

sweetheart. neither meant to leave you.
you've got a stranger sending some love from Ohio. I hope it finds you tonight when you get lonely. I know the net is intangible... but I'm not family or a friend and I don't mind if you drop the social graces. you can call me and I'll listen without expectation.