as if things could get worse

Our Robo, our sweet, gentle Robo, is having problems. He has been with us through thick and thin....most recently all the thin. He has held my hand. Played with the kids. Provided support and friendship. He has missed Jeff so intensely too. After Jeff died, he made sure I ate. He gave me my medication. Drove me to the funeral home. The funeral. Sat with me and has been sitting with me since. He has been my shoulder and the kid's link to their daddy. The stories of Jeff that I can't remember the punch line to, he knows and fills it in.

And now, he's gone. He has always struggled with his ability to feel happiness. He has very low lows and is his own worst enemy. I wish I could help him. I wish there was something that I could do. I tried. I tried to help him and he pushed me away. And now, he's gone. Left on the snowy roads, without so many of his things, and a gaping hole where he has always been. He says he won't be back. He says he plans to do himself harm. It's more than I can take. It's more than my kids should have to deal with so they are totally unaware that he left yesterday. They've asked for him repeatedly. I don't know what to say.

He had promised us that he would be here for Christmas as always. That even though Jeff won't be home, he would be. A bit of normal. Now, there is no normal. His room is empty.

I can't help but to feel anger and frustration towards his actions. Haven't we all been through enough? Doesn't he know how important he is to us? As Jeff used to say, "Robo is our family too". He belongs with us and I don't know where or if he is anymore.

I rarely write about him because he has asked me not to. He has asked to not be included in this record. But I....just want him to be warm and okay. We can't handle more loss in this house. It's beyond ridiculous. And he belongs here with his family.

If you see him, please don't tell you read about this here, just make sure he is okay.