Friday, December 19, 2008

as if things could get worse



Our Robo, our sweet, gentle Robo, is having problems. He has been with us through thick and thin....most recently all the thin. He has held my hand. Played with the kids. Provided support and friendship. He has missed Jeff so intensely too. After Jeff died, he made sure I ate. He gave me my medication. Drove me to the funeral home. The funeral. Sat with me and has been sitting with me since. He has been my shoulder and the kid's link to their daddy. The stories of Jeff that I can't remember the punch line to, he knows and fills it in.


And now, he's gone. He has always struggled with his ability to feel happiness. He has very low lows and is his own worst enemy. I wish I could help him. I wish there was something that I could do. I tried. I tried to help him and he pushed me away. And now, he's gone. Left on the snowy roads, without so many of his things, and a gaping hole where he has always been. He says he won't be back. He says he plans to do himself harm. It's more than I can take. It's more than my kids should have to deal with so they are totally unaware that he left yesterday. They've asked for him repeatedly. I don't know what to say.


He had promised us that he would be here for Christmas as always. That even though Jeff won't be home, he would be. A bit of normal. Now, there is no normal. His room is empty.


I can't help but to feel anger and frustration towards his actions. Haven't we all been through enough? Doesn't he know how important he is to us? As Jeff used to say, "Robo is our family too". He belongs with us and I don't know where or if he is anymore.


I rarely write about him because he has asked me not to. He has asked to not be included in this record. But I....just want him to be warm and okay. We can't handle more loss in this house. It's beyond ridiculous. And he belongs here with his family.


If you see him, please don't tell you read about this here, just make sure he is okay.

8 comments:

leigh in the sav said...

oh, jackie. i am so, so sorry. i will send you and him every warm wish.

Krista said...

Crap. I'm sorry Jackie. I'm so worried for all of you. Robo especially right now. Thinking of you... wishing I could make things right again. You all so need each other right now... I'm sorry.

Poppy and Mei said...

Jeez, Jacks...all our thoughts will be concentrated on sending him home - safe & sound...XXxx

Amber said...

I'm so sorry this has happened, especially right now. I will think good thoughts for you both, and for the little ones.

jackie in southern california said...

jackie, I am so sorry to read this on your blog. Is there someone in authority, like the police, that you can contact to go and look for him? You know he is not well. Maybe that will make a difference in getting people out looking for him. He needs help. More help than you can give him. You need others to help you help him. I pray he comes back to you and the kids safe and sound.

Warm thoughts and lots of prayers coming your way...

another jackie

Anonymous said...

Oh Jackie - I'm so sad to hear about Robo. I will hope with you that he is ok and that he will be back.
xo
Heath

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

So sorry to hear this news - you must be worried sick. Hoping that Robo comes back to you safe and sound in time for Christmas. X

hippymummy said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you all xXx