Monday, December 15, 2008

what the f#@*?!

Staring out the window at the frozen backyard just now, I had it again. The moment that feels like an unexpected snow ball to the back of the head.
Jeff is gone. He died. He won't be here for Christmas.
I will wake up in the morning alone.
I will go to bed without him.
I will have no presents to give him.
I will have no gifts to open.

I miss him so badly that there are times that I wish I could die. Like the widows who throw themselves onto their husbands funeral pyres. I do not want to face a life without him....But I fucking well have to. I have to put my head down and plow forward. Not look up until my end. Then I hope I'll will see him again. Who knows. But I have to try to cling to this feeble, fragile, illogical string of hope because other than the kids, it is all I have.

16 comments:

Marissa said...

His memories are still within you & the kids. Hold them tight.

I'm so sorry you get his with these snowballs of reality, I can't imagine the flood of emotion and I'm sorry you have to wade through those waters.

I wish I could reach through my keyboard & give you a hug, a really tight comforting hug - you can cry on my shirt too, I wouldn't mind.

Hang in there honey.

Marissa said...

*hit with these snowballs, not his (perfectionist to a fault here...)

Rach said...

What a f@#$ing crap thing life can be.

A big hug, a big kiss and a bigger bottle of wine from here...xxx

Poppy and Mei said...

Sending you "wine"-y hugs too...XXxx

TheSingingBird said...

Jackie when i hug my family member who is going through this shock now i will mentally hug you too, and i am always sending love and prayers♥

Amber said...

I am so so so sorry you have to go through that.
I wish I could take it away for you...xx

Anonymous said...

I read often and think of the heart break that you are going through. I am thankful for your two adorable children. They are so precious and they will help you through this...even if it is just a giggle,a hug or kiss.
Hang in there. Jen

darcie said...

Suck!
So so sorry Jackie - So so sorry. I can only imagine how hard it must be but I am so glad for those sweet sweet kids of yours, you do trudge forward even on the worst of days -
Sending Peace and Grace -
xoxo - darcie

Jackie in Southern California said...

Jackie...I read your blog every day and every day my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your children. There are no words that will take away your pain and grief. Just know that there are people out here that are reading your words and wishing with all their hearts that we could make this better for you.

Jackie, today on a freeway in Southern California a California Highway Patrol officer was struck and killed by a car that lost control on the rain slick road as the officer tried to direct traffic away from a previous accident. Officer Joseph Sanders was 29 years old. The father of 3 children ages 7,3,10 months and his wife is pregnant with baby #4. Jackie, is there any way that you and some of your friends that have been through this terrible kind of loss could reach out to this mom? You understand this pain that she is feeling. Maybe someone who understands this pain can say the right words to comfort her. Just thought I would ask...
Here is a link to the story:
www.odmp.org/officer/19700-officer-joseph-sanders

Anonymous said...

oh gosh what a life story..:( :(:( but you are still blessed cause you have 2 little cute kids and that makes sense to keep going...:)


samantha

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

I'm a long-time reader - just wanted you to know that we think of you so much - particularly at the moment. Christmas can be such a tough time. Enjoy the snow with the kids (my son is VERY jealous that you have snow!) Keep hanging in there.

Anonymous said...

{{Hi Jackie}}

The holidays are very hard. I'll be thinking of you. Your kids are so dear -- Liv singing in the Christmas party was adorable. Courage.

Nancy

indybarb said...

Jackie....first of all I am so sorry. Second, I only wish there was something that I could say or do to make you feel better at this awful time. Trudging through grief is such a daunting task. I am sending you light and love and hoping you keep finding the beautiful bright moments that come shining through.....like the bird in your snow picture. There is so much magic amidst all the shit.

The snow pics were beautiful and you seem to have spun some magic words to go along with them. I too love hiking around when the snow is thick and glittery and silence abounds. It's amazing that more people don't get outside to enjoy it.

I'm missing a wood burning fireplace again this year. That's one of the best parts of winter....reading books and playing games and eating dinner next to a roaring fire : ) Keep enjoying those kiddos as much as possible. There are so many magical moments with them and if we are not paying attention those moments will be lost forever.

Hugs again from Stalker Barb!

Michaela said...

Dear Jackie,
not sure what I want to say other than 'something'. After I found your blog a while ago, through Krista's I think, I come here frequently and often with trepidation. Because I know that I will cry. And I do, every single time I read one of your posts. Although I empathise with your pain I cannot possibly understand it. It's too big. Too unreal. But despite the tears, I go away from your blog firmly reminded of what matters and how fleeting it is and I tell myself to better bloody appreciate those I love. And for that, I thank you. You're brave.
Michaela

leigh in the sav said...

i am not sure what to say but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. you are doing well, even with the swings of sorrow. they are to be expected - you are still doing an amazing job nurturing and loving your children. that is so evident.

i still wish that i could simply reach out across the land and try to take some of this away.

much love and peace to you and the kiddos.

Roads said...

How rotten for you. I'm sorry that it is so hard right now. And yet, unlikely as it seems, sometimes I think it's awful days and terrible nights like this that really teach you something most profound.

The sad truth is that you have to live them if you're going to go forwards. Everyone does.

They have a really important purpose, which is hard to fathom at first. But they really do.

Because when you know you've found the bottom, there's nothing left to do but climb your way back out.

Spirits up.