Tonight is hard. Lonely. Too quiet without a large, hairy man attempting to tiptoe through the house. I am not talking about a jolly, red dressed man. I am talking about a funny, dark-haired, loving man who made everything light up. Who added laughter to everything. Who loved me so. A man who made my life complete. Now he isn't here....but I am. I have to go through the motions of putting together a Christmas of positive memories for these little ones. Who put me in charge of this? I am the one who despised this holiday. Suddenly, after losing so very much, my hatred of this coming day is waining. Although I still dislike so many of the off-shoots of tomorrow...the spending, the chaos, the gluttony...I am so pleased to have my family. My friends. My life.
There are times that I wish it were all over. Times I want to hurry this all along so I can find out what happens at the end. Find out if Jeff is there waiting for me.
But there are times that the loss of my love has taught me so much more. To enjoy what I have. To take a deep breath and see what I haven't lost. To love and to not be afraid to show this love. Because it is all fleeting. It is not 'if I die'. It is 'when I die'.
We all have or will have been touched by some form of trauma and struggle over our lifetime. We are not alone. We need to remember to stand together. Shoulder to shoulder and lean when we have to. Laugh when we want to. And love like we need to.
The drama and stress are not important. They fuel the upset and grief. What is important is how we show each other that we are worth every single moment we spend on this world together.
I wish I had known all these things before. There are times even now that I forget these things I am learning. But we all need to remind ourselves and others to be gentle with ourselves and each other. Not just today. But everyday.
Merry Christmas. Tell someone that you love them.