Wednesday, December 24, 2008

tonight



Tonight is hard. Lonely. Too quiet without a large, hairy man attempting to tiptoe through the house. I am not talking about a jolly, red dressed man. I am talking about a funny, dark-haired, loving man who made everything light up. Who added laughter to everything. Who loved me so. A man who made my life complete. Now he isn't here....but I am. I have to go through the motions of putting together a Christmas of positive memories for these little ones. Who put me in charge of this? I am the one who despised this holiday. Suddenly, after losing so very much, my hatred of this coming day is waining. Although I still dislike so many of the off-shoots of tomorrow...the spending, the chaos, the gluttony...I am so pleased to have my family. My friends. My life.


There are times that I wish it were all over. Times I want to hurry this all along so I can find out what happens at the end. Find out if Jeff is there waiting for me.


But there are times that the loss of my love has taught me so much more. To enjoy what I have. To take a deep breath and see what I haven't lost. To love and to not be afraid to show this love. Because it is all fleeting. It is not 'if I die'. It is 'when I die'.


We all have or will have been touched by some form of trauma and struggle over our lifetime. We are not alone. We need to remember to stand together. Shoulder to shoulder and lean when we have to. Laugh when we want to. And love like we need to.


The drama and stress are not important. They fuel the upset and grief. What is important is how we show each other that we are worth every single moment we spend on this world together.


I wish I had known all these things before. There are times even now that I forget these things I am learning. But we all need to remind ourselves and others to be gentle with ourselves and each other. Not just today. But everyday.


Merry Christmas. Tell someone that you love them.

7 comments:

Wendy Mewhort said...

Thank-you for this Jackie.
Merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Stopping by to share some love. I hear some light in this post... and am happy, even if it is just a glimmer.

Warmest hugz,

Melody

Eileen said...

Thinking of you today. I hope you find happiness and peace with your beautiful children and family as you move through the day.
xoxo

Ashley said...

Sending you lots of strength and warm wishes today Jackie.

My family and I have put a package in the mail for you and I was hoping it would be there by today but with the insane snow it looks like it should arrive next week.

Ashley

the long thread said...

I just found your blog via the link in your previous post. Wishing you a warm and peaceful holiday with your children.

About Me said...

Just thinking of you and your children today...Denise

Skye said...

Jackie,
Thought I would check in and see how you were doing. It has been a long difficult day for me and I thought I would see what insights you might have to offer.
I was not disappointed. I smiled when I read about the “a large, hairy man attempting to tiptoe through the house.” And I also know that lonely lost feeling. I have it tonight as well. But you also reminded me…and all of us to live life to the fullest because we don’t know how long this ride of ours is going to last. So we best make the most of it and also stand back to appreciate all that we still do have in our lives. Thank you. I needed that gentle reminder tonight.

We are worth every single moment we spend on this world together. What a beautiful sentiment and so true…