Monday, December 08, 2008

they are okay

There are days or moments that I watch my little ones and think, "Bloody Hell. They are going to be so messed up after all they've been through." Then there are times that I see them blossom and bloom with smiles, laughter and play where I think, "If you didn't know what had happened, you would think these two had a 'normal' life."
All I know for sure, is that no matter how our lives unfold, they are stronger because they have eachother.
They still know how to laugh and be silly without guilt or remorse.

And that these two little ones are the most amazing teachers of living after your life has stopped.
I am practising seeing the world through their eyes....It isn't as dark as it is through mine.

16 comments:

sarah in portland said...

they are beautiful human beings, and though i've never met you i love reading about your life here. i think you are INCREDIBLE, and you are lucky to have each other. i wish your family could be entirely complete right now. and i'm so sorry that it isn't. for what it's worth i find the way you mother, nurture your children and encourage them to be who they are is super inspiring.

Anonymous said...

They have life in them.. which is what keeps you going - even when you just want to stop.

Hugz
Melody

If it weren't for my kids.. I'd still be drowning.

Rach said...

They are both so beautiful and have amazingly cheeky smiles! xxx

hippymummy said...

Your kids're beautiful, there's sunshine and laughter in their eyes. looking through their eyes sometimes is a brilliant idea when all you see are clouds through your own xXx

indybarb said...

Jackie, as usual your posts are so inspiring. I especially like this one. The pictures are amazing of Olivia and Briar. Children are our greatest teachers. We can learn so much from them. They are so full of energy and spirit and are good examples of being able to live in the moments.....which is really all there is. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You have touched me on a very deep level.

Chris said...

especially love the second pic of Liv. what a comedian. life definitely is brighter through their eyes.

darcie said...

You are right - they ARE lucky to have each other - What a pair! My own mother passed away when I was not quite three and I have always wished, hoped, dreamed, longed for a sibling...I truly think that is the greatest gift for a child! You have amazing children Jackie - just look at them!

Danielle said...

They are really lovely.

Ashley said...

LOL, I love Liv's expressions, what adorable and sweet faces. They must bring you so much happiness!

Amber said...

You help them be strong and they will respect you so deeply..xx

TheSingingBird said...

what an incredible gift to wake up to those sweet faces every morning

leigh in the sav said...

simply beautiful children. and i completely understand how they inspire you. their light and joy is so evident. and so much of that is due to you.

i love liv with no teeth!

Eileen said...

They are blessed to have a mother as devoted as connected as you.
Hold tight. You will stay afloat.
In our thoughts at Little Acorn.
xoxo
Eileen

Poppy and Mei said...

Gawd they're cute!
Kiss 'em...go! XXxx

Crash Course Widow said...

I always used to worry that having her father dead would make Anna really screwed up...but if anything, she's more well-adjusted than most kids her age. Part of it's because she was too young--only 10 months old--when her daddy died so she doesn't know anything except our own form of normal.

It's normal for her to have no daddy. It's normal for her to hear about him all the time from her mommy. It's normal to have her mom be a little bitter, cranky, emotional, and off-kilter at times. It's normal to her to know that death happens...to her father, to her great-grandma, to our cat, her grandparents' dog. I can't help but think (or maybe it's just endlessly hope) that this shit hand we've been dealt will actually make her a better, more empathetic, more well-rounded individual as she gets older...even if it's only because her mommy makes sure she knows that death and sadness are as normal a part of life as happiness and fun.

And you're right. The kids are a blessing. They certainly teach us how important it is to take a break from our grief from time to time to just enjoy life and smile, even though it hurts. They're so much simpler in how they react, and often so much more honest. The hard part is that people always want to try to minimize our loss, saying how lucky we are/how glad they are/etc. that we have our children and how they're such a blessing. Which, yeah, they are, but they don't make up for the fact that our best friend, our spouse has died. They don't make the grief any less painful or the loss any more palatable; they just help provide a welcome (or sometimes UNwelcome) distraction at times. I was so verbally and consciously grateful to have Anna that first year. She was my rock and the reason I made it through the first year...but as she hit her Terrible Twos about 18 months into my widowhood, she was the noose around my neck, making everything worse. But now she's blissfully a sweet, easygoing little girl again...and while she's not really my rock anymore, she's certainly a comfort and a blessing.

Hugs to you,
Candice

maya said...

yes, they're happy. they have eachother. these pictures are absolutely striking ~ they actually look like a wellspring of happiness & fun.