Tuesday, December 30, 2008

touchdown

It’s here again. The brief agonizingly sharp pain of awakening. Like from a coma. Or a nightmare and realizing that it is reality.
I walk around as an automaton. I feed the kids. I wash my face. I buy chicken feed. I seem to be moving. I seem to be alive. Sometimes, I believe it myself. I think, “Okay. We’ll be okay. I can do this.” People tell me that I look good. That I seem to be healing. It’s not me. It’s the robot that applied my make-up. It is the instinct that drives me. It’s the habit of years of doing before my life ended.
Now, I put the bleach in the fridge. I forget to feed the fish for weeks and one of them dies of starvation. I mean to buy Christmas gifts for people. But Christmas passes and I still haven’t done it. I don’t phone people back. I don’t even remember that they called. I leave the house a mess until I impale my foot on a thumb tack dropped days before.
People say that they too suffer from this. Yes, I used to laugh at my forgetting ways and ‘mommy brain’. This is different. There is no one at the helm.
Often, I hear myself talking. But I don’t really know what I am saying. I am gone. I am asleep. The lights are on, but no one is home.
Then, I wake for short periods of time. I wake and scream. I lock the bathroom door to get the only privacy I can get. I sob and cry out. I pull my hair. I want to throw up. I swear. I rage. I want out of this hell.
I worry that what is happening will cause more grief for my children. Will causse judgement from others. But I can’t help it. I can’t stop crying. I can’t pour out the pain fast enough to get it together to hold these two little souls close and tell them the lie again, “It is going to be okay.”
I have no one to call. Jeff died. Robo ran away. Everyone else who lives in this house is under four feet tall. People outside this house have their own problems. Everyone tells me to let them know if I need help. I won’t. They have families and lives they need to attend to. In all honesty, I often don’t want to talk. To see anyone. To maintain these fucking ridiculous social graces that no longer mean a rat’s ass to me.
I know this keeps going. I know that it is too long. I know that my lack of healing is a burden. I know that it is more comfortable for everyone if I just maintain the façade. So I do. And I close up again. And my children can see a mother who doesn't cry out and moan from the loss. I go back to my hiding place inside. I curl up in the foetal position and resume my slumber until the next time I wake to find that it is true. And he is gone.

19 comments:

Ashley said...

Don't worry if the rest are uncomfortable - grieve the way you need to, you are healing in the only way you know how and that is totally FINE!

The love you have for your kids will be enough to get them through this time until you feel ready to take on more things. Kids are resilient and yours seem so smart and compassionate and brave so I know they will be fine.

I honestly don't think I would be acting or feeling any differently then you are if I was in your shoes. Your loss is beyond words, beyond description. All I can do is say I'm sorry and hope for some peace and an easing of the pain.

TheSingingBird said...

i'm still here, and i don't need any social graces, and my offer still stands at ANY time♥
it is work that i love to do

Chris said...

i hope you can feel my love and support of a stranger many miles away. still here for you - still listening. you can find me if you need to. i have strong shoulders.

your kids are learning that emotions are OK. that is so much better then hiding your pain from them.

may 2009 bring you some peace.

Marissa said...

I hurt for you Jackie.

Your kids are learning, adapting & adjusting with their own grief. No apologies necessary for yours.

I pray for mental rest for you - to have the roller coaster just slow down long enough for you to catch your breath.

darcie said...

If only I could make you feel better, if only for a moment - I would Jackie, we all would. Ashley is right in saying you are all your kids need - and don't be afraid to be yourself and do things your way. Fuck the social graces and the way people *think* you should be acting and feeling. The reality is this does suck and most of us don't know how you are feeling. We want to help you - we just don't know how.
Hugs to you Jackie - Many many hugs.

Skye said...

Jackie,
You are healing. It just doesn’t feel like it. But the agony you are feeling is you working through the grief. And it is ok to feel it. Embrace it…and then when it gets too much…its ok to stop feeling for awhile.

Do whatever you need to. But know that by allowing yourself to experience the pain and loneliness, which is an enormous feat in itself, you are allowing yourself to heal as well. Sometimes this all sounds like such bull, but I believe it to be true. Maybe because I am going through it myself? But allowing yourself to feel is brave. And it is teaching your children that it is ok to feel their emotions. It is ok to be scared, to be sad, to miss daddy. However you feel is ok and that is one of the greatest lessons they can ever learn.

And your “lack of healing” is not a burden. You are not a burden. You are grieving. You are healing and there are many of us out there that will check in to see how you are. To “listen” or read about where you are for the day and to say that we are here.

Anonymous said...

Ditto...


Melody

IamDerby said...

I have no advice, I have never been in your shoes, so to speak. But I come here often reading your words. Today I just felt like I had to say that I am sorry, that I think of you often, and that I wish you peace and healing.

13mimosa said...

Oh Jackie, I can't believe any of the dear friends you've shown on your posts wouldn't be there for you if you wanted them. I know everyone has busy lives and concerns, but we can always make time for those we love. I know the problem may be as you say, there's nothing they can really do, you don't want to be alone, but you can't be with who you want to be with. I too, don't really have a clue, but wish I could say something encouraging in some way. I am sure you're not stuffing up your children, they always look happy and amazing. I hope 2009 will become at least a little less difficult, if that's possible.

Tricia Moran said...

You should never think of yourself as a burden to anyone, especially your friends. You are in the depths of grieving and you are entitled to your moments of feeling like everything is surreal and falling apart. Because for you, it is really. I wish I lived closer to you so that I could do something more practical. I wish you a reprieve and some peace again soon, so that you can get strength to keeping walking this difficult path. I wish I could find the words to comfort you, but I don't have them. But you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Your friend, Tricia

Jen said...

I know it is not much but I check on you daily. I wish I lived closer so I could help you out. Don't apoligize for how you feel or think. Everyone has a different way of dealing with the loss of a loved one. You are an amazing person. I watch and listen through your blog and you have so much love to give to your dear ones. Do what you have to do to get you through each day. YOu have a lot of people reaching out to you...even from cold Minnesota. Hang in there sweetie. Jen

K. said...

I'm also here, reading, wishing you peace. I can imagine how tired you are of all that you feel and the thoughts that go around in your head, and you just want it to stop. There is only one way forward, and if I can help you by coming back to read and think of you and let you rage and be, I will. Wish I could do more, but I send healing thoughts every day for you and your children.

Jill said...

Jackie,

There's isn't a procedure to follow for this... you choose the path that you have to take. Of course your sad!!!! Good Lord, you should be. Regardless of the situation, I think it's always better to honestly live it. And this is your grief... you do what you need to do, including crying and screaming!

I so hope for it to start feeling less painful for you. I really do. If I can sit here in MN and have my heart break from your loss, it is almost unfathomable for me to imagine what your personal feelings of heartbreak are. Take it a day at at time.

Anna said...

Jackie - I have felt your pain and know how grief can quite literally choke you. It does get better. The pain never completely goes away - it is part of you now. One day, hopefully in the not too distant future, you will be able what you were lucky to have - a perfect husband, a happy family, a happy life. Many people never find true love. True happiness. Let yourself feel the pain, the suffering and then one day you will be able to remember the happy memories and how lucky you are to have had such a happy marrige.

Desha said...

I wish I could take your pain for just a little while. I don't know how you put one foot in front of the other every day, but know that its okay not to have it all "together." No one has the right to judge you or tell you that it is "enough" or that your grief should have any kind of time limit.
Yes, grief and sadness make people uncomfortable at times, but that is not YOUR problem to take on. You don't have to be anything but who you are. Know there are people that are listening, praying for you and those sweet kiddos. Your love for Jeff is beautiful to observe and I think he would be proud of his girl.

leigh in the sav said...

i am clueless as to what i, a stranger, could possibly say to make you feel any better. but i will say that just from getting to "know" you - i am positive that the people you call friends would never look at you as a burden. your grief is so personal and unique - truly different from what many will ever know - but it is yours. do with it what you will. you care for and love the kidddos, reach out when you want, retreat when you want. but know that friends and strangers are willing to be there for you in any way you see fit.

maureen in PA said...

Oh, Jackie-I so wish there was a way we COULD help. I know that it feels like others have their own problems, etc, and that may be true. But they also want to help, Im sure, in whatever way that can be. I know that, because Matt's Creeps all worry about you and wish we could do more. Don't be afraid to ask, and dont worry about social graces. I know it can be so hard, but you dont need to shoulder all of this alone. Let others help with the things you dont want to do, and give yourself som time to indulge in the things you do want. I know it doesnt feel like it sometimes, but you are truly an amazing woman. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing, there is no right or wrong way for this. And the kids-I sometimes wonder if "hiding" emotions is such a good thing for kids. Makes me think they might feel like their feelings are wrong or something to hide. I think its ok that they see you upset sometimes....thats just my thoughts. I sure hope that you are ok and that this year brings you some peace...

hippymummy said...

As everyone before me has said i wish that i could take your pain away, even just for a little while. Don't beat yourself up for feeling, no one in their right ind would expect anything lees in your situation. we can all say it in our different ways but the intent behind every one of these messages of support is the same. We all feel for you, admire your strength and compassion, marvel at the way your darling kids're dealing with all this shit, and all of it's down to you. The kids coping, us all caring - and worrying - about you and your precious family. Most of us have never walked in your shoes, none would want too, but if we had to do it and managed it with half the dignity that you do it would indeed be a remarkable feat.Never feel guilty for feeling, it's proof that we're human. wishing you peace of heart, i don't know what else to say....

Poppy and Mei said...

XXxx.