Monday, January 26, 2009

10 months

Yesterday, it was the ten month date since your death. I am still stuck in the anguish of losing you. I still expect you home. I am still reminded of you with every item in the house, every look on our little one's faces, every memory of our ten years together as a couple. I still think of you as my best friend. I still feel married to you. I am still in love with you. I still need you. When I am eighty years old, I will still miss you, feel the absence of you and wonder how life would have been if you had grown old with me.

Life is so different now. I worry that I will forget the happiness I had. I fear the kids will lose their memories of their wonderful father....

Briar, however, surprised me yesterday when a friend was helping him with his coat. I had thought that most of Briar's memories and thoughts of his daddy had come from Liv and my references of you. I wish I had had more faith in the love of a little boy for his daddy. He said to our friend, "My daddy would say, "Stop squirmin'!" It was purely Briar. It was his memory. His thought. I was amazed and brought to tears that his daddy is still held in his heart and remembered.

Grandpa is not doing well. I feel an anger that you are not here with me while I deal with this. That I have to feel the loss of this kind and supportive man without you. I can only hope that although you are not here by my side, that if there is any way, you are with him, helping him and laughing with him.

I love you. Your Bean and your little Bear love you too. We always will. The whole pie.


Heather said...

I found your site thru Matt's. Just wanted to let you know there was a complete stranger out here thinking of you and your family and wishing you all the best during this terrible time.

I have a son around your son's age- it's amazing what they remember and hold on to.

chelle said...

I totally get the anger part of having to deal on your own.

Totally neat that your youngest remembers.

Hang in there.

Ashley said...

Briar's comment made me cry, he will always carry his Daddy in his heart, as will Liv.

Desha said...

I am always a little taken aback when I see his pictures. He seems so strong and alive, and it is hard to believe someone like that could be gone so soon. He would be so proud of you, Jackie.

Jennifer said...

I check in on you daily(sometimes several times) to see if you have posted. I love hearing about the love of your life, your children, your crafts. I think of you often and hope that each moment gets a little easier. Hang in there sweetie.

Roads said...

What a good lookin' guy. So strong. So great to be remembered like that, for ever.

But it tears you apart. I understand that. Really I do.

Spirits up.

hippymummy said...

Jackie, you're so strong my love. those kids will always have their daddy in their hearts, love that deep transcends normal 'memory.. their daddy is part of their very being and time, grief or separation can never take than from them. Also, with you around, how could they EVER forget? You'll make sure that never happens, Geoffs name is tattoo'd on your hearts. Bless you all xXx

Hawkfeather said...

i can really feel him through your words momma.

You know after some experiences in life shook me up a wise friend brought me a bit back down to earth by sharing a simple truth.

she told me to stop waiting to go back to who I was "before".

She suggested I spend the energy instead getting to know myself again.
because i probably never would go *back* to who i was.
the waiting brought a lot of disappointment in well.. everything.. everyone. me. i hadn't even know I was waiting.

I have only 'known' you since you lost Jeff.
and I know I really appreciate who I see in you.
still- I am thankful for the love that helped create this wonderful powerful woman before me.

I have faith in you..not to be perfect- but to work within the confines of human nature.
and share some of that love with the world.

leigh in the sav said...

what a beautiful love letter to your husband. my heart aches for you.

i am so glad you heard briar's memory - i am sure it was a very special moment for you to witness.

Rach said...

Thinking of you, as always my sweet friend. xxx