Yesterday, it was the ten month date since your death. I am still stuck in the anguish of losing you. I still expect you home. I am still reminded of you with every item in the house, every look on our little one's faces, every memory of our ten years together as a couple. I still think of you as my best friend. I still feel married to you. I am still in love with you. I still need you. When I am eighty years old, I will still miss you, feel the absence of you and wonder how life would have been if you had grown old with me.
Life is so different now. I worry that I will forget the happiness I had. I fear the kids will lose their memories of their wonderful father....
Briar, however, surprised me yesterday when a friend was helping him with his coat. I had thought that most of Briar's memories and thoughts of his daddy had come from Liv and my references of you. I wish I had had more faith in the love of a little boy for his daddy. He said to our friend, "My daddy would say, "Stop squirmin'!" It was purely Briar. It was his memory. His thought. I was amazed and brought to tears that his daddy is still held in his heart and remembered.
Grandpa is not doing well. I feel an anger that you are not here with me while I deal with this. That I have to feel the loss of this kind and supportive man without you. I can only hope that although you are not here by my side, that if there is any way, you are with him, helping him and laughing with him.
I love you. Your Bean and your little Bear love you too. We always will. The whole pie.