Thursday, January 08, 2009

redirection

Both my blog and myself are having an identity crisis. The blog has morphed into so many things that I don't know if it 'makes sense' anymore. A crafty/homeschool/mourning/loneliness blog? I struggle as to whether I should split it up and make the painful personal stuff 'personal'.
I so appreciate the comfort of knowing that someone out there can hear me, though. Even though I am alone. I have no one to lean on. Someone out there knows that I am falling apart. They can't help me but they're there...and that helps.
I am tiring of writing about the melancholy shit in my life....but it is at the forefront of my mind. If I start to focus again on 'happier things' such as photography, sewing, the fun in homeschooling, maybe I can help myself to remember happiness.
So I am going to try to not focus as much or as often on the hard things. I don't think this is 'stuffing', but I need to change directions. I need to try to smile....real smiles.
So if I have nothing to say, I may just post pictures of our most recent adventures.
And I'll try to look to the sun....Isn't there some saying about 'looking toward the sun and then the shadows fall at your back'? I'll try it. I am game for anything at this point.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have been an avid reader of your blog for a while now....linked from somewhere.. Please keep the posts coming, you are not alone, we are listening and feeling for you. Life hands you a crap sandwich now and then - you have certainly had your fair share handed to you! It is inspiring to read about the fight you have made against despair....and I believe you are winning. May peace bless you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading you for a while, but have never commented before.

I hope you know that people who read your blog don't need it to be a certain "kind" of blog, and certainly don't roll their eyes or become frustrated when they find a melancholy post.

Your honesty and openness about what you've been dealt is courageous, inspiring, and gives people hope that they too will find strength if something tragic should befall them.

I can understand the need to focus less on the sadness for yourself. And that is also admirable and probably wise. But please don't feel the need to change or alter a single thing you write on here because of what you imagine someone else might think. You're probably imagining wrongly. And if someone DOES judge you, those who don't and who feel your pain and hope for your healing outnumber the assholes by the dozens.

Love,
Jen

Desha said...

I too love reading your blog, even the emotional parts. I think it is theraputic for you to be able to get it out, and we do not mind hearing about your Jeff, what he meant to you, and how you are getting through each day.

I also love reading about your projects with the kids. I wish I could be half as creative!

alicat413 said...

jackie---
although i rarely comment, i always read your blog! obviously the decision on what to write & what to keep personal is completely up to you. but, we'd love it if you would keep writing! your writing is fabulous, your children beautiful. and although you can't see us, we are all here. and i'm sure we all wish we could take away your pain. you are an inspiration.

hugs,
ali

maureen casey said...

Jackie-I will echo others sentiments that I think your blog does not need to have a "purpose". Its a log, and like journaling, its supposed to be what is on your mind. If you feel better making things private, I'm sure we would all respect your decision, but honestly, I hope you don't. I don't comment all of the time, but I am always reading and wondering how you are making it through this horrible journey. You are wrong about one thing, though. You are not alone. There is a big group of Creeps out here that would do anything in our power to help you-Just say the word. I wish that we were closer, but know that we are just an email away....

Ashley said...

Write whatever you want! We are here to "listen" and stand behind you, even if you can't see us.

And I love the great photos and crafty projects that you post. And I'm also glad you have a space to hash out the darker stuff.

hippymummy said...

Jackie,
i've been hovering around here for a while now and just wanted to say that i doubt that anyone out here feels that you should change your blog in any way whatsoever. It is YOUR blog, the things that you share with us may sometimes be grim (i know, a bit of an understatement you'd probably say!) BUT it's all true. You have had one hell of a year. How you manage to function at all is a testament to your absolute ternacity and dedication to motherhood, being the best mammy that you could possibly be. That's what you are, a WONDERFUL, BRAVE, INSPIRING,HONEST woman. You amaze so many of us every day. PLEASE don't think that you need to change anything about your blog, it's perfect just the way it is, raw and real. Your love for those two babies shines out of the screen every time you write about them. Seeing their lovely, happy faces is proof that with your help your kiddies are living, loving and learning to be happy again.
Most people cannot imagine what you're suffering and would give thanks for that. Please know that if any one of us could help ease your burden for you it would be done in an instant. Unfortunately this is real life and the princess, whilst getting to marry her prince doesn't always get to have the happily ever after. You know this already, however you will get to be happy again. Not in the same way,you know happily ever after might only be 5 years or 10, but don't think that because of that it's not worth having. I've not lost a husband but my son did die of s.i.d.s 18 years ago. The pain will always be with you but it will become easier to bear, You will laugh and smile again, one day without actually feeling like screaming on the inside. There will be days when it still floors you, i get those too, a song, a thought, memory, whatever but you won't always feel as you do now.
If you're feeling so alone in real life (not wanting to bother anyone with your problems?) then it's a good thing that you have all us out here in blogland to offload onto. Better to vent to us than keep it inside burning away like poison. This is the very least that we can do for you and are honoured to have the opportunity to do this small thing, we'd do so much more if we were able.
In finishing (i do apologise for this epic but i think it needs to be said) DON'T change the way you write because of aomeone else, if they don't like it - and lets be honest there's a big enough disclaimer isn't there?!! -then they can just clear off somewhere else! It only has to make sense, or not, to you. We are out here, we want to listen, to ALL of it not just the frilly bits and we all really DO care about you and your precious family Jackie xXx

Hallie said...

I know this has been said before but please don't feel you have to make your blog anything but what YOU need it to be in the moment you are writing it..you have no idea how many times your blog has made me rethink things in my own life and appreciate things that much more. We are here with you in the ups and the downs and are quietly cheering for you and your triumphs and crying right along with you on your darkest days. Don't ever question your grief...it in itself is one of the best tributes to your husband that you can ever show your children...it's ok that they know how important he still is to you and how lost you are without him...that is a true definition of what love should be...
Your blog is one of the first things I check in the morning before I can start my day. I consider you a friend and would miss hearing about any details you wish to share/vent!

Hugs- Hallie

Hallie said...

I know this has been said before but please don't feel you have to make your blog anything but what YOU need it to be in the moment you are writing it..you have no idea how many times your blog has made me rethink things in my own life and appreciate things that much more. We are here with you in the ups and the downs and are quietly cheering for you and your triumphs and crying right along with you on your darkest days. Don't ever question your grief...it in itself is one of the best tributes to your husband that you can ever show your children...it's ok that they know how important he still is to you and how lost you are without him...that is a true definition of what love should be...
Your blog is one of the first things I check in the morning before I can start my day. I consider you a friend and would miss hearing about any details you wish to share/vent!

Hugs- Hallie

Marissa said...

i'm ALL for the looking at the sun, turning your back to the shadows... or however that goes. i think it is important for all of us to remind ourselves to smile & look for the positive things in life sometimes - most especially when its "shit" in the forefront of our mind at the moment.

steer your blog in the direction in which you want, for you, for no one else. i like when you write about jeff, i like hearing about him, i cry along with you sometimes when i can feel the pain in your words. i also love when i see the smiles on your kids - oh if we could all live as children do. i love seeing your creative creations and hearing about your adventures with your animals.

long story long, its ok if it feels like your blog is sometimes discombobulated - aren't we all just a clusterfuck of discombobulation anyway?! I know I am!

my blog goes from joyous times to battling depression to nights out drinking to my never ending quest to be thin. my posts are all over the place....just like me.

bring your lemon, i'll bring the vodka - we'll do lemon drop shots & make the most of it. ;)

darcie said...

write what you want, post what you want...those of us that have gotten to "know" you over these last nine months will still be here.
It's your blog to do what you so choose - you have to write for yourself and for your beautiful children.
I so enjoy your photography and look forward to all of your pics!

Niki said...

I agree completely with everyone! Just keep doing what you're doing - there's no "how to" book on life.

Poppy and Mei said...

"aren't we all just a clusterfuck of discombobulation anyway?!"

Yep, I'd say so.
And like the others I say, "purge baby purge!" In anyway you like. Whenever you want.

We are here...XXxx

Bonnie said...

You write whatever you want...we all support you no matter what you are feeling. "Looking for the good" is probably a great thing to do for yourself, but by no means do it for us! Those of us who have been reading since "before" know what to expect, and we either cry with you, or chuckle at the sugaring recipes, or cheer at the egg "stats"!

Sending lots of love to you and your family,
Bonnie

Jennifer from MN said...

I am here to listen. I have been reading daily since you lost your jeff. I am taken in by your tears, your smiles, your heartache and stories. Write what is on your heart. Don't write because you think someone wants to hear something else besides sadness.
I think we all adore you just the way you are and have been. Keep doing what you are doing. I think we are all here for you no matter what you decide to do.
Jen

marianne said...

jackie,
this is YOUR blog. it is about YOU and YOUR KIDS and YOUR LIFE. anyone who has the nerve to come to this site, read what you have to say and then complain about it can go to hell. simple as that. do you know how many people, total strangers mostly, truly care about you? we all check on you daily, worry when we don't see a post, cry when you cry, smile at your great pictures of your kids and just wish we lived close enough to stop by your house, give you a hug and help you out somehow. you are an inspiration to alot of people who read this blog. stay true to yourself.
may 2009 bring much needed peace to you and to your home
marianne

jackie in SoCalif said...

Jackie...like the rest of those who have commented here I, too, am reading every day. I may not comment often but I am here. I found you via Matt's blog and have been a loyal follower ever since. Like the others I wish that there were real ways to
help you get through this pain that you are experiencing right now. Commenting here and letting you know that we are out here reading and supporting you from afar is the best that we can do.

This blog is your own personal journal to be written and shared as you see fit. How you decide to share and what you decide to share is what we must accept. But, personally, I love your blog just the way it is. Please don't change it...

Hugs and peaceful thoughts heading your way from sunny Southern California. (Blow some of those stormy rain clouds our way...we desperately need the water!)

Jackie L.

Crash Course Widow said...

I can understand the opposite pulls you have...a more "sanitary" blog without all the grief crap, or one with everything. I don't have any good input or suggestions for you (if you were even wanting any).

I decided from the outset to make my blog only about grief. But I never had one before this spring, so it wasn't much of a decision at the time. Plus I also felt so shitty all the time then that pretty much all I was was grief...plus a whole lot of depression and TV-watching sloth.

After a while, though (in July or so, maybe?), I decided I wanted a second one where I didn't have to be "only" a grieving widow. Mostly it's just photography, but other times it's just silly crap. But it's helped me to have a second outlet for the nongrief stuff.

But personally, what I've found is that I've regretted when I didn't keep a written record of what I've experienced in grief and widowhood. I kept a private (handwritten) journal regularly and faithfully that first year after Charley died, writing sometimes a few entries (and long ones at that) a week, sometimes fewer. But that journal was often the only outlet I had for the emotions tearing through me. Writing in it was one of the few times I'd let myself fall apart enough to cry, which was incredibly cathartic. I stopped writing in it, though, after about 15 months out or so. It was too hard, I just felt too awful, and I couldn't bring myself to write. So for about 18 months, I have very little record of what I felt or thought. And in comparison to the first 15 months of widowhood and the last 9 months since I started my blog, the lack of a written record bothers me. But there's nothing I can do about it.

So even if you don't put it on your blog, it probably will help to still write it somewhere. And if nothing else, it can be something for your children to read someday, to help them understand what you went through and what they've been missing without Jeff.

But don't worry about us readers. This is YOUR blog. It can be whatever you want it to be from day to day, and it doesn't have to be consistent or upbeat. After 3 1/2 years of grieving, my advice is to just let it be whatever it needs to be each post. Sometimes it'll be about grief, sometimes it'll be about the kids, or fun stuff, or Fuckles, pictures, recipes, waxing (oops, I mean sugaring) escapades...but whatever you write is fine. And honestly, I think it's better for people to get the full picture--warts and all--of what life is like as a widow...the good and the excruciating and everything in between.

Hang in there, Jackie.

Hugs,
Candice

Kristy said...

Keep writing whatever you need to. I love blogs that are real and yours certainly is. I just hope we can all help you along your journey whichever direction or re-direction it takes you.
Pretty pictures are always a bonus so I'm liking the idea of them!

Kathryn said...

Hi Jackie,

I leave comments sporadically, but I always read your blog. Always. I'm here and I'm listening to you. I love seeing your pics and i think you're an excellent writer. If I had to choose only one blog to read in this world, it would be yours.

Hugs from afar-
Kathryn in Germany

indybarb said...

Dear Jackie:

Even though it feels like you are so terribly alone, please know that you are not. It seems there are so many others, just like me, that like you for you. I would encourage you to keep doing what you are doing, because in doing so you are telling the "Real Jackie Story"......not the one you think we all want to hear. My thoughts are with you and yours every day and I am rooting for you every way I can from such a distance. If there is anything tangible I can do for you, I hope you will just ask. I don't know you personally, but I know if I did I would like you very much, pain and flaws and ALL!!!!

Hugs to you and your little ones. Let's hope today there is one tiny sparkle that brings you hope.

Love,

Barb

indybarb said...

And ditto to what Kathryn in Germany says, "If I had only one blog to read in this world, it would be yours"!! You should turn this all into a book : )

Chris said...

still here for you no matter what direction you take and if that changes 50 million times, so be it. this is your life and i thank you for letting us intrude and support as we can. hope you are able to smile those real smiles!

sorry if this duplicates things that were already said, didn't read through the other comments.

leigh in the sav said...

i'd just like to issue one massive "ditto" to what the others have said.

and an "AMEN" to marissa's question "aren't we all just a clusterfuck of discombobulation anyway?!"

jackie - i wish i could be there for you in some tangible way - even thought i am a stranger and all. i give really great hugs.

Heidi said...

Kudos to the comments of Anonymous Jen, and others. It's your blog, Jack, so you design it however you want. The very blog, itself, is a form of expression, after all. And by the way, your photos turned out great!

Anonymous said...

I like Marissa ;-)

txmomx6 said...

You've said what's on my heart, too. My husband died suddenly a year ago (the week before Christmas) and I, too, am so tired of the "blackness". I want to move through it to grey, and then brown ..... and then maybe a nice blue.
As for splitting your blog, I hope that you don't because I think it, like mine, just shows the reality of your whole life.
And I like that.
By the way, it looks like a whole lot of people like it, too.
Janine

13mimosa said...

I don't mind at all your venting, for lack of a better word, if it helps - but hey, if it helps to focus on other stuff, then give it a shot, I'll be reading.

manxlass said...

Hi, Jackie. Your blog is your blog. Please post whatever you want. All of it is part of you. Do whatever helps you get through the day.