Thursday, January 29, 2009

a great loss


My grandfather died early this morning. It is a truly strange sensation to know that he does not share the same world with me and I cannot call him for one of our often daily chats.
His death is bitter sweet. I am so saddened for the loss of him and his guidance. But that sense of loss is for me and for those left behind...a selfish loss. I am happy, however, that his suffering is over, that his loss of dignity brought by the cancer is through and that he has peace.
I need to try to understand why this feels so truly different than the loss of Jeff when both of these men were so huge in my life. Is it that with my grandfather's death there is no 'trauma'? That we had the opportunity to say our good-byes and there were no unsaid words between us at the end? Is it because I have lost my fear of death? Is it because I am numb? Is it because he had expressed his feelings of fatigue and his readiness to move on? I feel a 'peace'. A gentleness. A calm. Not the fear or anguish. Is it just me or is it all of us?
I will miss him so terribly...but I also knew him. I don't feel that there was anything left to do. I know that he loved me and he knew that I loved him.
My grandmother and I hugged in the hospital and she said that when he passed, we'd know that he and Jeff would be together sharing a good laugh.....

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie

RIP Grandpa Jack. He truly is " a great loss". I remember spending time at your Granparents' house when we were younger. There was an air of calm happiness in their house. They offered you a wonderful support that was much needed in your life at that time. He was a man that I looked up to. I am sorry for another loss in your life. Maybe the experience of your Grandpa's death is different because you know that he has Jeff there (wherever "there" is) with him.
I miss you
Devon

hippymummy said...

Jackie, I'm so sorry that your family has suffered another loss so soon after losing Jeff. Life does sometimes seem very unfair. However, as you say, your Grandfathers passing was a release both from his suffering and his loss of dignity. I think that it's because of this that your gut reaction is different than with the sudden, awful passing of Jeff. Even though you will miss your Grandfather dreadfully you've had time to come to terms with the fact that his end was near and I'm sure that in some ways you'll actually be glad, for his sake, that he's gone. I think being prepared for this eventuality has made all the difference yo your feelings at this time, it was the kindest thing for your beloved Grandfather. As a loving grand daughter your heart knew that this was the release from all the suffering he had so long endured. Jeffs passing was so completely unexpected that your whole being was, and still is, struggling to deal with the situation. there were no prayers for the end of Jeffs suffering, you didn't have the closure and tying up of loose ends that you Grandfathers passing allowed.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers xXx

Hallie said...

I am so sorry for your loss....there's just not enough words...I wish I was able to sent you a hug.

Desha said...

I am so sorry, Jackie. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your family today!

Anonymous said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Jackie.

Laurie

Anonymous said...

{{{Jackie}}}

I'm sorry to hear you have lost your grandfather.

As to why it doesn't affect you the way losing Jeff did, I think it's all of the above. It's in the natural order of things for a grandfather to die. It was not totally unexpected. You had time to tell him goodbye. And I bet you are not as afraid of death as you once were. It is not a stranger anymore.

I'll be thinking of you.
Nancy

leigh in the sav said...

i am sorry for your loss. it appears and sounds like his was a full life that he shared with treasured loved ones.

Marissa said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Jackie. I think one of your other commenters hit the nail on the head with it being "ok" to let Grandpa Jack go because it is the natural order of the world. Our grandparents are supposed to grow old and yet still die before us. Our parents too. But our spouses, especially our spouses while we're still young & are raising young children? No, that is a pill too big for most to swallow and just shouldn't happen and I'm so sorry that it did to you. The world lost a good, hard working honest man when it lost your Jeff.

I pray Jeff met Grandpa Jack with open arms and welcomed him home, away from the pain & loss of dignity he had on this side of the world and that thought brings you a small glimmer of peace.

**hugs today and every day**

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry for the loss but thankful that he is at peace.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jackie -
I know you were so close. I'm so sorry.
Thanks for your call yesterday - even when you were dealing with so much sadness as well.
Sending lots of love your way.
Heather

Poppy and Mei said...

XXxx...

K. said...

Hi Jackie,

I don't think you're numb. I am sorry and will hold you and your family in my thoughts.

13mimosa said...

Thinking of you.

potty mouth mama said...

Jackie, I'm thinking of you and your family. I'm sorry for your loss - what a beautiful photo of you and your grandfather. He looks like a great, great gentleman. Lots of love, xxx

Rach said...

Oh darling, my thoughts are with you and your little ones.

Another crap time. Shit.

xxx