I love traditions. The familiarity of knowing what to expect is comforting, especially now. I, also, love how they connect you to others...sort of like a club's secret handshake. This year, as I was packing up our Christmas stuff, I was remembering how hard it was to open that box. Looking at all our ornaments that were tied to those golden memories of 'life before' broke my heart. Seeing Jeff's tattered and old looking Santa hat that he wore when handing out the gifts on Christmas morning. I was wondering if it would upset me as badly next Christmas. I had wished that there had been some sort of comfort as I had unpacked all this paraphernalia usually associated with joy and together-ness. So I decided to provide for myself. I wrote myself a letter and put it on the top of the box. It sounds so silly but I am hoping that my words to myself with offer some solace and comfort. Words from someone who understands. Words from someone who loves the kids. Words full of well-wishes and hopefully, hope. The other tradition I am starting is not nearly as sentimental or sucky. I am cosntantly attempting to rid our house of 'extra'. It feels wonderful to cleanse and purge. Since Jeff has died, I find it even more satisfying. I think because I don't have him standing behind me saying, "What? Why are you getting rid of that? We may need it someday!" or "That a collector's item! I got it in a case of Alexander Keith's!" In actuality, I haven't gotten rid of anything of Jeff's. I can't. I still want him and all my memories of him held close. But my junk, outgrown kid's clothes, unused containers, extra sheets, etc. Out the door. I don't need it. I feel dragged down by it. Trapped. So the week after the New Year, I am starting Dump Day. Anything we haven't used in the last year goes. To friends who may need it, the Sally Ann, the recycling depot and if needed, to the garbage dump. I have already started sorting and cleaning. I have to do it in the dark of night when Liv's observant eyes are closed unfortunately. I would so prefer to not have to be 'sneaky' about this but she has inherited her father's love of the 'just in case' and the 'I had that when...' I just wish I had the truck insured so that I could take it all in ONE load!
P.S. Sara, our plymouth rock bantam chicken, has started laying! Tiny weeny little eggs! I took a picture of Lucy's regular lovely brown eggs, with Sara's teensy white eggs and one of Lucy's mammoth double yolkers (the one on the left if you can't tell). We had to have an 'egg fest' the other day as we are getting overrun with these ova!
This blog contains a fair amount of swearing, painful and difficult subject matter. If you have objections of any kind, I believe it's your right to not agree. But, please, keep those objections to yourself and keep yourself busy withsomething else.
A few musings of a homeschooling, crafting, neurotic, organic loving and, most of all, kiddo adoring mommy...I've now become a widow. My best friend and husband died of a pulmonary embolism on March 25th, 2008. This blog has now become a place for me to mentally unload and try to figure out how to do this and who I am without him.