Friday, January 23, 2009

internal dialogue

I'm always striving to learn and grow. Since Jeff has died, I have found that my education of the world around me and those that I share it with has been excelerated. Some of these lessons have been harder than others and some of them have been downright unwelcome. But many of them have been extremely 'eye-opening' when I apply them to past occurrances in my life.
One of the lessons that I am repeatedly been taught is that I am only in 'control' of myself. I cannot dictate how others will react, how they feel or how they perceive me or my actions. I can, however, live with honesty and integrity. I can try my utmost to do what I feel is the 'right' thing to do and this, ultimately, helps me to sleep at night and to live with my myself in my body.

Although, at times it is a struggle, I try my hardest to look at those around me with empathy. I try to understand what has brought us all to whichever place it is that we are at in our lives and our hearts. I do not want to cause anyone pain. I strive to act in a way which does not cause others pain and if possible to somewhat relieve strife if I can. But here again, I come to that lesson that is recurring in the education of 'me'. Although I try to ensure that my actions come from a 'good' and pure place, I can NOT ensure that others will understand my actions as such and that they even understand my motives.

I want to be seen as a kind person. A thoughtful and peace-filled person. An understanding person. But only I know what goes on in my mind, just as others only know their own minds. Others can guess at the motives behind my actions, but unless I am asked, they do not know. The best I can do, is my best. The worst I can do is to not keep trying to make the most of my time here and to not continue on a path toward learning all I can.

I don't want to be an angry, bitter person who ultimately creates my own version of personal hell by viewing the world with eyes of my most feared things. Who attempts to twist others actions and motives into something that I can see as a slight or an injury. This to me, would be a ruination of life. A right-off as I create my own pain by perceiving the world as a place that is 'out to get me'. In fact, this view is rather egocentric. A view that every action is caused by a reaction to 'me'.

I saw a billboard yesterday that said, "Image is what others think you are. Integrity is who you really are." Enough said.


Heidi said...

Amen, Jackie.

chelle said...

WOW ... the fact that you are more than merely surviving after such a loss. Integrity is right.

I would love to believe that I could be the ruler of the universe and make everyone see it my way, but alas it simply isn't so for me :(

You have the right attitude.

Poppy and Mei said...

Brilliant Jackie, gives me alot to think about...& a headache...;) XXxx

K. said...


I've only been reading your blog for a few weeks, but what you are saying comes through in so much of what you write. Your children are blessed to have you.

Oh, and it's also just what I needed to hear, so thank you!

hippymummy said...

Most of us (i hope) have cottoned on to the fact that we are not the centre of the universe. One of the reasons that i know this is truw is because my 7yr (nearly 8!)old daughter KNOWS that the world, in fact entire galaxys only exist to revolve around HER! Nuff said?
Seriously though, i'm sometimes blown away by the balance and reason you show when many would still be on their knees with the weight of their loss.
You are a wonderful, strong lady and it's an honour to know the little that i do about you and your beautiful, precious kids xXx

leigh in the sav said...

i need a billboard like that where i live! what a beautiful quote and something i could stand to remind myself of, every now and again!

Hawkfeather said...

i needed to read that tonite. thanks Jackie.

word verification "scrou"

screw you?