Saturday, January 31, 2009

quiet/busy time

The kidlets are going to my mom's for the night. Just the fact that they are going to be spending the night elsewhere says a lot about my head space these last couple of days. I have to say that I thought that I was coping quite...civilized-like regarding the death of my grandfather. I am not as messed up as when I lost Jeff. But grandpa has definitely been my 'go-to' guy for matters of the heart, my life, mechanical workings of the truck, house maintenance, history, etc. I used to tell him when I was a child that I wanted to marry someone just like him. I did. Now they are both gone and it is so very strange to not be able to contact either of them. I want to call them and tell them what is going on. Ask them both for their opinion.

I think I need a rest. A slight break in the monotony of all of this. I keep making a mental list of the things that I want to accomplish while Liv and Briar aren't here. Sleep. Clean out broken toys. Sew. Watch a movie with lots of swearing and possibly even sexual references.

I'm wondering how I'll sleep without tiny pointed elbows shoved in my nostrils and little finger nails exfoliating my ribs in the night. Maybe I'll empty the contents of one of the toy boxes onto my bed to simulate the feeling of soft, yet hard and pokey little people in the bed beside/on me while I sleep.

I am looking forward to staring up at the stucco on the ceiling and trying to form shapes and pictures in the patterns. I know, it sounds remarkable dull. I think in Jeff's absence I am finding that I am not nearly as exciting as I thought I was. We used to have such fun together, whether the kids were with us or not. He'd sit in a lawn chair and laugh at my inability to quietly remove an aluminum ladder from beneath the deck as I'd try to prove a point about how burglars could use it to break into the house. We'd make a bet about who could lose a preset amount of weight in a determined amount of time. The loser was to wear a gold coloured g-string all day while having to entertain company out on the back deck....My weight stayed the same. Jeff gained some. I got sick that day and didn't care that he wouldn't wear the thong. We set off expired flares in the backyard (a big no-no....) and they flew across the marsh into an elderly couple's backyard lighting up their bedroom for five mintues with an intense red glow. We worried that they'd die of fright, but laughed until tears rolled down our faces at the same time. When I was huge and pregnant, he'd chase me around the house as I'd try to quickly waddle away and cram as much icing into my mouth from the bowl as I could before he managed to get it from me. When we'd disagree, he'd jokingly threaten to drag me around on the lawn by my ankles. One day during a mock argument, he did. I screamed my laughter as I got a wet and grass stained bum. We wondered later what the neighbours must have thought.

I miss hanging out with him. I miss his laughter. I miss being funny and interesting to someone. I miss my best friend.

So, I'll go stare at the stucco and remember the fun we did have...and try to get some of things on my list done.


chelle said...

I am glad you are getting a little break.

Hang in there.

Poppy and Mei said...

Nothin' better than a wet, green bum! XXxx

Anonymous said...

Awww, I laughed out loud reading those things! I am sorry about your Grandfather. I never had one, both had passed before I was born adn always felt like I missed out on something. Hearing you talk of yours makes me believe I was right! You were lucky to have one.

Those good times must be hard to think of let alone write. You are brave and I admire you for that.

Peace and Love.

Anonymous said...

i loved reading your stories jackie. The thought of it made me laugh. i wish for peace for you.


indybarb said...

Dear Jackie:

Most people never find what you and Jeff had.....and most of us hope that we someday will. It makes me so happy that you could be totally yourselves with each other and sad now to think you no longer have that bond. I think the one thing we all seek in this life is to know and be known.....and to have a connection like you and Jeff so obviously had.

I hope that your alone time helps make you feel just a little bit better and a little more balanced.

You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers every day.



13mimosa said...

You may not be having as much fun anymore I know, but I for one still find you very interesting.

lori said...

This is my favorite post yet. It's nice to hear you remember some good times. Let those times help fill the void. Isn't it funny how the life we lead is just banter? It really is the little things that count.