Wednesday, January 14, 2009

lameness of loneliness


I abhor it when I hear that someone is 'bored'. I can honestly say that I have never been bored. There is always something I could do. Something I have interest in. Something to read. Something to think about. Something to clean. This is harsh, but at times, I am a bit prejudiced against boredom. It seems to mark a lack of imagination. Of creativity. It is a weakness.
These same feelings are reserved for loneliness. Most often, I enjoy my time alone. I am used to my own company. In fact, I remember telling Jeff before we were dating that I wanted to marry a fisherman because they come home, we enjoy our time and then they 'go away' to leave me to my stuff for awhile. I have always thought loneliness to be a slight flaw. A lack of emotional sturdiness. This isn't to say that there were times that I felt some measure of loneliness too. I remember telling Jeff that I was lonely. That I needed him to come home. When he'd have been gone on long trips on the boat, I knew he was making a living for our family, I tried to not feeling resentment about it, but at times, I missed having him with me. And I felt lonely for his companionship.

But this, this is so fucking different. Even when he was gone and they were at sea for long periods, I felt close to him. He would call me every opportunity that he could. He was connected to me. We shared our children, our life and our love. We knew eachother so, so well. Even when we were angry or annoyed, we had this bond. The bond of people who love eachother and can call eachother 'husband' and 'wife'.

Now, there is nothing. There is this void. A blankness. Nothing resides there. It's a hole where that bond, that connection, lived. My side calls out...but there is no answer. There never will be. I am without love. I am without a connection. There is no one on the other end.

I just wish there was something to hold onto. Someone to cling to as I drown. Someone who noticed that I was gone. Someone who really knows me.

But that will never be again.

8 comments:

Rach said...

I remember someone saying that after their baby died they felt so lonely - so lonely that in a room full of people they felt alone.

I have only felt this a tiny bit.

But I know that you are feeling this terrible loneliness a lot - and its shit and crap and I wish we could change that for you.

xxx

Poppy and Mei said...

XXxx.

Jen said...

thinking of you at this time. I know it doesn't compare to what you really want and need. Hang onto those kiddos just a little tighter. I know when I am having a tough time..it never fails..one of my kids end up putting a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart. It helps me forget about things for a moment. A little distraction.
YOU are an incredible woman.

leigh in the sav said...

xoxoxo. loneliness hurts like nothing else and i am so sorry you are feeling it so heavily.

Anonymous said...

Jackie,

Thinking of you. Wishing there was something anyone could do to take your suffering away. Wishing words weren't so hollow in the chasm of grief. Hoping you know you are thought of by many. xoxo

jg

TheSingingBird said...

Anonymous said...

We would know if you were gone and there would be a huge hole in our hearts, honey -- honest.

And, if I've said this once, I've said it a thousand times (ask my kids!) 'only boring people get bored!'

You inspire me in ways that I can't even describe.

Laurie xxoo

Shana said...

I just found your blog today. Your description of the bond between you and your husband reminds me of what I have with my husband. I cannot imagine your pain and I am so sorry for your loss.