Monday, January 12, 2009

farewell old foe


Yesterday, I saw Jeff’s truck drive out of the driveway for the last time. I heard it start with its’ deep, gravely voice for the last time. I smelled the interior that smells so intensely of him for the last time.
After he had died, I swore that the truck would never leave my possession. It would be with me forever if Jeff could not. It sounds silly, especially considering my dislike frustration with the vehicle over the last few years. Jeff loved that truck. It was part of him in some ways. The smell. The sound. The size. All equated with him.
But I have been watching as it was covered in snow and this week slowly remerges from this white blanket. Before this, I noticed how ….lonely and left-behind it looked. I could imagine it in a few years of sitting in our yard and noticed the things that would fall off. Fall apart. Rot.
This is what has always bothered me about the `Blue Mule`. It has always needed something. Parts. A dent repaired. A good cleaning. And no matter what, Jeff would do it. The money sunk into the truck would make me cringe. But he loved that truck. He didn`t want it to fall apart. Become a piece of junk.
So watching it slowly rot in our yard is hurting. This isn`t what he`d want. He would want it to be taken care of. It is just a possession, I know, but one that he saw value in.
So I decided to give a new home. I thought of selling it to someone who could use it. But the possible $1500-$2500 that I could get for it makes it not worth the pain of watching it drive the same streets. The intake of breath as I see it coming toward me. The brief moment that I think, ``There he is!`` And the harsh descent as I see some fresh shaven man who does not know that he is driving my love`s beloved truck behind the wheel.
Instead, I have a different plan. A plan that I know Jeff would approve of. The truck will remain in the family. Just not our yard. I`m giving it to Jeff`s son, Glenn. Glenn can afford to keep the truck running. He understands the importance of the truck and all it means. He knew how Jeff loved the truck. It won`t be some rotting piece of metal in his yard. He`ll use it. He`ll remember his dad driving it. And I won`t have to see it. It will be `living` in a town at the top of the island. A town Jeff loved. A town he fished out of. So although, this part of Jeff won`t be with me, it will be a place that Jeff was happy and it will be cared for and its`new owner will know what it means.
The driveway looks so empty with its’ huge blue occupant. Ridiculously, I feel vulnerable without it being there. As if Jeff isn’t watching over us and announcing his presence in our household by marking his spot with the truck.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a lovely thing to have done.

darcie said...

I can't think of a better place for that truck. Great job on taking that step Jackie - Great job.

hippymummy said...

Isn't it lovely to think that his truck is with someone who loves Jeff like you do. An inspired and very generous decision. Just because the truck's not sitting on your drive it doesn't mean he's not looking out for you all, if anything he'd love you more for the kindness to his son.

Amber said...

That's just so fitting. And also very kind on your part. I imagine that Glenn appreciates it very much.

Poppy and Mei said...

Perfect, brave girl...XXxx

Anonymous said...

What a great decision you've made! Sheila

Jackie in SoCalif. said...

That was a great gift to a very special young man...Jeff would be very proud of you. And you know what, I think that he is still watching over you and the kids even without his truck in the driveway. You are a very "brave girl"!

Desha said...

That must have been so hard and I am so proud of you for doing it.

TheSingingBird said...

you are such a loving person Jackie, that is a beautiful thing you've done.

Marissa said...

I'm so happy you gave Jeff's beloved truck to his son. I hope Glenn loves it & cherishes the gift. I'm sure he will. Bless you Jackie.

Nancy said...

Hi Jackie,

Good for you. You seem very good at letting go of *things*. How nice that Glenn can appreciate the truck.

Nancy

13mimosa said...

Sounds like a good decision Jackie.

Roads said...

A good home for the beast. Sounds great to me!

Anonymous said...

I once heard on a schmaltzy Oprah show that, "Things are not people." In my head I get that, but, I'll tell you what, trying to get rid of beloved possessions of beloved people who aren't here anymore is soooooo hard. I'm glad to know that someone else struggles with it and could come up with such a good solution.