Monday, August 25, 2008

five months

It's been five months since you left us. I miss you as much as I did that first day... more than that first day. I have so many questions. So many things that I want to share with you. Things have changed so much and not at all. I wish/hope you could see the kids. They're growing so much.
I have to keep reminding myself to not look at what has happened as unfortunate in their lives (which it is of course) but as something that will and is making them who they are supposed to be. That is true for me as well....but I need to feel sorry for us now and then.
I try to tell myself that you were done whatever you were sent here to do, and although, we weren't finished loving you and being with you, we had to let you go. It wasn't our choice. Liv asks what you were sent here to do. I tell her that you were sent to bring smiles and laughter to so many people. You were sent to bring amazing children into the world. You were sent to be a fabulous daddy and a good man. You were sent to love us as we were sent to love you....your 'visit' was just too bloody short, in my opinion.

10 comments:

Christa said...

You can see the smiles and laughter in his eyes.

I know there isn't anything for any of us to say to heal your heart, but just know you are being thought of and many hugs are wished upon you.

amanda said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

Neurotic Chic said...

I loved so much of what you wrote in this post. It was really profound - I don't know if you think it's silly to say that, but I truly do mean it. This part especially:

I have to keep reminding myself to not look at what has happened as unfortunate in their lives (which it is of course) but as something that will and is making them who they are supposed to be.

was so good for me to read just in terms of any traumatic things our children face that we can't undo or "fix". Thank you for writing that - it helped me.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I also found your blog through Matt's (I live in Minneapolis). Your husband was clearly an incredible person, and I wish I could have had someone as obviously cool as you as my mom. One of my friends in high school had lost her father when she was very young, and when I was at her house everyone spoke of him occasionally, always fondly and happily. There were great photos of him on their refrigerator.

Kate said...

Thinking of you today.

Anonymous said...

Every single time I think of Jeff I chuckle because I think of something completely hilairous he did or said to me. Then I say to myself "Oh crap Jeffrey" I only knew him for 2 short years but he is definately someone who made an imprint on my life. I just love to look at someone with a cocked eyebrow like I can do too and say "Fly at 'er!" Love you. Sheila

leigh in the sav said...

thought of you often today.

13mimosa said...

I've said it before, but whatever you are hard on yourself about, you continue to bring the most amazing smiles to the faces of your gorgeous children.

katie j said...

Just a lurker via Matt's blog, but wanted to let you know that I check in on and think of you and your beautiful children often.

Christa is so right... You can just tell from Jeffrey's photos what a kind, loving, funny & happy man he was. And it's reflected in the eyes of Liv and Briar.

Sending lots of virtual *hugs* your way...

darcie said...

Greetings from MN - Just wanted to pop in and say hello - I wish there was something I could say to ease your heart and mind but there isn't so I won't even bother trying - Your children are amazing and your husband lives on in them. He is always with you ~ I imagine it can't be easy and you are doing one helluva job Jackie -
xoxo - darcie