Wednesday, August 27, 2008

growing up all over again

Do you remember when you were a teenager and how you'd imagine what you wanted to 'be'? How you strived to find your identity apart from your parent's? How you felt panic thinking about the future and all it held?
I am reliving those experiences. I suddenly, have to try to decide what I want to be. How I can support our family alone. Who I am without Jeff. Terror at the coming years alone with two little kids.
What if can't do it?
I don't see how I can go back to school to finish a degree. Not only can I not afford it, my brain is mush and I can hardly remember my name much of the time.
I am afraid to strike out. To step forward. I am afraid of failing and taking these two little kids along with me. Of affecting their lives and messing things up more than they already are.
I miss having Jeff help me make decisions. I have gotten out of the habit of thinking by 'myself'. Now, striking out alone is....well, scary.
I have been thinking about developing my photography skills. Maybe taking a class or two. Or maybe I should work on my portfolio and send it in to various publishers for illustrations. I just don't know...
Being a 'teenager' again sucks. I feel for my kids in ten years. Decisions are hard...especially when you have to make them alone. The only good thing about being an adolescent as an adult is that I don't have to worry about my LARGE, stiff, hairspray-laden hairdo adorned with ringlets and the hair tiara....


hudson-wi said...

Trust in yourself. I'm sure Jeff loved you, in part, because you were a smart, confident, talented woman. Your path in life has tragically shifted, but underneath your pain, you are still smart and talented... you just need to regain your confidence somehow.
May the faith that a stranger has in you, help you along your way. Because I do have faith in you and I know many other stranger-friends do too. Have a great day!

Kate said...

I must be hard and scary. I truly think that you will be ok, but that's easy for me to say, isn't it? I switched careers a few years ago ad it was really hard. I felt like I lost who I was I little bit.

(We are only a month apart in age and I had that hairdo!!! hahaha)

darcie said...

HA! I had that same hairdoo too - only I wore Sally Jess Raphael glasses at the time - PINK ones! EEK!
There is plenty of "grown up" stuff you can figure out for yourself to do without requiring a degree...don't make life harder on yourself by stressing about that part...I'm not undermining degrees- but if I were in your shoes - I wouldn't worry about that part...
not til Liv and Briar are old enough to help you with your homework!
Hang in there Jackie -

Elfie33 said...

I know you don't know me from adam hun but I will offer you some advise. I work for a Career Center...find one in your area. They are sometimes called One Stops. Ask someone about Displaced Homemaker Assistance. They may be able to help with funding for school. You lost your main source of income this assistance is to help with that. Go to your local college and talk with a counselor, they should be able to offer help also. I know taking the first steps alone are scary. I do. But you don't have to do everything at once. One step at a time. You'll be surprised in what you can do by taking those small steps. And yes, you may fall down a few times, but there is nothing stopping you from getting back up again. I hope I haven't offended you in any way...because truly that isn't my intentions at all. I just wanted you to know, that you have people behind you...folks you don't even know care. *hugs*

Crash Course Widow said...

I'm the same boat--I have no idea what to do when I "grow up" either. I'm able to hide out, being a SAHM to Anna for another 6 months or so, but then I'll have to go back to the real world of working full-time. Realistically I should go back to tech writing, which I did for 5 years before Charley died (and like reasonably well), but I often waffle wildly on what I want to do. Go back to school (but in what?), change jobgs but still use my English degree and past soft experience, or hide as much as possible. I still don't have any good ideas...but I'm sure sympathizing with you. Good luck as you figure it out, bit by bit.


cindy in the wv said...

I think the pictures for take are beautiful!! You are such a strong person too. Just take it one day at a time.

leigh in the sav said...

wish i knew what to say. but i can just say try to take it a little bit at a time. it feels strange to say so because i imagine you don't always feel it, but you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

I remember that teenager! She was my best friend. I was introduced to your blog by a mutual friend. I've been following your journey for some time now. I, and other mutual friends, were shocked and saddened my your family's tragedy.
The writing style that you have is incredibly descriptive. You allow people into your world and to feel your emotions. You have many talents, Jackie. You're a gifted artist, a great writer, and an incredible Mom. You also have a vivid imagination. I'll bet you could make a career writing children's books, or writing a book about grieving. You may not believe me but you are the strongest person I know. You always have been. You have come so far in your journey since those dark days of March/April. It must be hard to have faith in yourself right now when you've lost your #1supporter. You CAN do it Jackie!
Love and Hugs

Poppy and Mei said...

Hatty Dirtday.
Take your time.
You are not alone.
Remember- "Your poos are asleep in the house of your bottom."
It's true. Xxx

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie:

It's stranger/friend Barb Chivers again. I have to say you have amazing talent and you seem like such a strong, strong woman. I have faith that you will make it on your own with your beautiful children, and experience the success of providing for them. Whatever it is you are supposed to be doing will come to you.....just give it a little more time.....or maybe you are already doing it by writing your story. Perhaps your story should be published to help others with their grief. I know that this is a scary time for you so the best you can do is take it one moment at a time and deal with those moments as they come. You are in my thoughts and prayers every single day, as are Liv and Briar.



Carle said...

Jackie, your photos are really good, I think it is a great Idea to do a course. Good luck with deciding [or not]


13mimosa said...

You're so right, I can't imagine and I don't know what I'd do. Is it easier because you have to? I know that sounds possibly stupid, but will you find the strength because you have to - I feel you will. Perhaps you'll find the strength to do something you would otherwise have put off, maybe photography, because you need to push forward. I have such confidence in you finding a way through, I don't know why, but I feel you will.

about denise said...

My hair was bigger than yours. :)