Wednesday, August 13, 2008

what's the point?

Seriously. What IS the point? I don't know. I don't really care at the moment. I am tired of all of this crap. I am tired of all the painful stuff. It just keeps coming. There is no reprieve.
I don't know what the point is. The meaning. I just want to rest. I want it to be over. I am tired. Fuck. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of trying. It all just sucks anyway. It fucking sucks.


Poppy & Mei said...

I wish I could answer that for you, I REALLY do...Xxx

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile, but have never posted. And I thought that maybe seeing something written could get you your answer. I don't know the pain you feel, but I've been there. We'll it wasn't my husband that died but my father died when I was a child and it hurt so bad. I soon found myself asking the same things as you are saying in this post. But the point is, when you two were married you made the commitment to be with each other until death. Unfortunately that came way too soon, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you hurting this way. The point is, that you have his children that need their mother, and although it hurts.... his spirit is within them, and within you. He wil live on through you and your children, and sometime it won't hurt as bad. It may take awhile, but it will at some point hurt less. I'm not sure if this helped, I hope it did just a little. Hope things start looking up for you.

Anna in Minneapolis said...

After I started reading Matt's blog, I too started thinking "what's the point". In fact, at one point I told somebody that I had decided that it was stupid that we (humans) had evolved past slugs, because if we were slugs we wouldn't have to feel so much pain. But then I see on Matt's blog pictures of smiling Madeline and on your blog pictures of your beautiful kids, and I think evolving past slugs isn't so bad. I still don't know if there is any point, but I am very thankful that in the midst of such pain and sorrow, you, Matt, and many others who are suffering have the wonderful smiles of your children.

I am a complete stranger, but I think about you every day and wish that I could do something to relieve your pain.


Anonymous said...

I'm with ya gurl...

Anonymous said...

Oh duh sorry it's Mel that's with you..

Crash Course Widow said...

Yup, it sucks all right. I remember being where (you sound like) you are right now, and it fucking sucked. I didn't care if I lived or died, and I just wanted the bottomless pain to be over.

I never found out a point, or a reason, or anything else out of it. Except I found I survived. And some days that had to be enough, as much as I fucking hated it and didn't want it.

Hang in there, Jackie. Take it one moment, one breath at a time. And above all be gentle on yourself (and rage all you want too).

Hugs, hugs, hugs,

CrackerJacks said...

Baby steps. One minute at a time.

Time will heal your wounds.

You don't have to be strong all day, everyday.

Kathryn said...

I wish I could step into your shoes and carry your pain for you for awhile. Give you a mental/physical break from the toll it takes on you. I don't even know you, but your pain overwhelms jumps off of the page.

This may be the stupidest idea ever, but have you thought about writing all these thoughts and things you'd like to say to your husband or just in general and sticking them in a bottle and letting it go in the sea?

I can understand that your body and mind would be full of rage and sadness...I just hope to see all that released outwards and not inwards.

I apologize if I'm out of line. I really do wish I could help lighten your load and take some of that weight off of your shoulders. :o(

Patty said...

I hear you. I have days where I feel just the same. It doesn't matter that I have great kids, and a great job, and a great family. I want HIM BACK. Nothing else seems important when your heart is broken. I understand.


Elfie33 said...

I don't have any answers here..but I can offer a hug if that would help *hugs tight* from down South here in Tennessee.

TheSingingBird said...

leigh in the sav said...

i wish i, or we, or some-fucking-body could come and take that pain away. i don't have smart, wise, or even comforting words, but am keeping you and your family in my heart and constant thoughts.

Eilie said...

I don't know anything to say to alleve your suffering, but wanted to send you hugs and peace all the same.

Hopefully your kids will do something totally silly and spirited to make you smile. They are wonderful healers of the heart.


Chris said...

that's the million dollar question, isn't it. too bad i don't have the quadrillion dollar answer for you. for what ever comfort it is worth, know that you have people keeping you close in their hearts.


Jenn said...

That deep, dark emptiness...I know it. Not for the reasons you do, but I know it. You will look back on it all one day and see it's still too fresh and raw. Give yourself time...yes, be gentle with yourself. Know that people care, even people who don't know you.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I just came across the globe and found your blogs and read it for awhile.. I dont know how painful it is.. but KNOW that in TIME it will be're not alone Ms Jackie... :)

FR: Phils.

about denise said...

The only thing I can say is if you feel like chatting gimme an email. We'll tough it out together.

Take care.

Hawkfeather said...

i am sorry!

I don't even *know* you but i REALLY wnat to steal you away for a day and eat mushrooms and runaway into the forest.

fuck everything else.

matt_in_the_los_angeles said...

i'm with ya.

it does fucking suck.

how do we get through it?

i don't know,

but we will.

call me.