I apologize in advance for the seemingly vacuous frivolity of this post.
The picture you see up there, is the profile picture that I changed to on Facebook. Yes, I'm on facebook. I thought it was fabulous initially to be able to find everyone you have ever crossed paths with to see what they're doing, I now think it's ....well, vacuous and frivolous (isn't everything now?). But since two days after Jeff died, my profile picture on Facebook has been a photo of the two of us taken the day before he died. Everytime I see the picture I feel sick. I want to scream at myself to get him to the hospital. I search his face for signs of illness (which now I think I can see...). It's a reminder of how long/short the amount of time it has been since he died. It's a reminder of how much I miss my sweet husband. So tonight, I changed it. In someways, it's a relief to not have to look at the picture that reminds me of the worst day/moments of my life. But in other ways, I feel like I'm betraying him by removing it. I'm again trying to hide from the pain of losing Jeffrey.
It isn't just Facebook. I can't look at certain things that remain in the house since he's gone. I can't remove them. I can't even MOVE them. I can't look/touch/smell them either for fear of a breakdown.
The strangest part is that now, this week, it's as if, my heart suddenly knows he's gone. He's not coming home. I have the rest of my days to live out without him. No big cozy hugs in the middle of the night. No obscenely loud laughter from the basement. No ship-to-shore phonecalls. No 'I love you the whole pie'. No teasing and giggling. No working side by side to get work around the house done. No strong daddy to fling squealing little ones into the air. He's not coming back.
I guess that's called acceptance. I have to accept it. But I don't want to look at it. I don't want to immerse myself in it. I want to shy away. Will that ever stop? The recoiling in terror at the emotions that surge forward when I really see one of his possessions, smell his scent wafting past the closet, hear the songs he used to sing to me?
THE FIREHOUSE CHRONICLES – EPISODE 15
3 weeks ago