Friday, August 08, 2008

no more wishes

Since Jeff died, I don't 'wish' anymore. Partly, it is because there almost seems to be nothing to wish for. But mostly, I really don't want to wish. I am afraid of the wishes that I'd make on fallen eyelashes, birthday cakes and 11:11...When Jeff died, in a horrible and twisted fucking way, they came true. I wished to lose a bit of weight....I can fit all my pre-pregnancy clothes again now. I wished Jeff would quit fishing....He isn't fishing anymore. I wished certain bills would be paid off....some bills that were in his or the business name are gone with his death. There are more but I just creep myself out...
Needless to say, I will never wish again. Wishes do come true. Just definitely NOT how you want or expect them to. If I had thought this would happen, I would have wished that Jeff would be alive forever....Maybe, in some way, he is? Maybe I shouldn't have wished that afterall. I would want it in the physical sense. Not just the spiritual sense....Argh. This makes my head ache.


Crash Course Widow said...

I know what you mean about wishes, Jackie. I got everything I ever "wished" for--a beautiful wedding, a fantastic husband, a great marriage, our dream house, a beautiful & easy baby...the ability to stay home with her and not work, financial security, ability to buy things, got out of debt....

Too bad I didn't specify throughout that I wanted Charley alive and content and well and with us, because it's a [bleep]ing pisser that I only got some of those things because he died. And I don't hate that fact any less, 3 years after the fact.

So yeah. I hear ya.


Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,

Just found your blog via Matt Logelin's blog.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to tell you that this post really impacted me. I often wish that my husband would play less golf (and he doesn't even play that much), but after reading this post, I am going to try my hardest to remember that it makes him happy to be out on the golf course.

Thank you for writing honestly; I know it's not easy to do.