Friday, August 01, 2008

poor little me

Life happens. Death happens. Sometimes I look at this terrible predicament that I hold in my lap and think this must be one of the very worst things that could ever happen in the history of mankind. When I get my self-absorbed head out of my ass, I look at this 'stone' and realize that in the Western world that I am so very lucky to be living in, that, yes, this IS awful and pretty near the worst I can fathom.

But in other parts of the world, this is happening everyday. Widowhood. The loss of your loved one. Your other half. Your support. Your best friend. But they also have to deal with a the loss of financial support to an even greater extent than I do. But they may also be dealing with the loss of their children. War. Rape. Starvation. Disability. Homelessness.

It makes my life seem like a cake walk. To me, it most certainly is not. It is not easy. It's terrifying and lonely. But I can climb into my bed at night, safe and warm. I can keep my children's tummy full of nutritious food. I have a capable body and strong hands.

I can do it. I can pick my sorry ass up and walk forward. I have to.

I should not feel sorry for myself. I should not lower my head to where I can't see the sunrise in the morning. I should not take inventory of all the things that are going wrong in my life. I should rejoice in another day. Another opportunity to learn. Another moment to love the ones that are still around me.

Even with all this realization and knowledge of how bad others have it, I still sit here and cry and wince at the thoughts that engulf my mind. I am not enjoying my life. I am not feeling 'lucky' that I don't live in a third world country. I am a selfish and self-absorbed shit who just wants her best friend back. A 'poor me' suck hole.


IamDerby said...

somewhere, someplace someone else always has it worse...but it doesnt change feelings. Feelings (hurt, whatever) just are and there is nothing wrong with that. I have no idea what its like to lose my husband, I cant imagine the pain, i am sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie you have probably already tried this one, but Rainbow's is a program for children.. not sure if they have one there?

Also this site is helpful

I have searched all over Vancouver, and Vancouver Island for something for my son 16, sadly not a thing.

Ok I am sending you strength, & peace, & hugz.. well maybe not hugz.. cause I sure didn't like them.. maybe some warm sheets, box of chocolates, and some cool gumboots!

Melody Charlie
250 726 2507

Queen Mimi said...

Sending a Cyber Hug your way. I just gave you an award on my Blog Page. It's ok to feel Sorry for yourself sometimes. I feel sorry for you too. Hope this Weekend finds a Smile along the way.

Hawkfeather said...

I have seen it on a few blogs of those who have lost loved ones- weather it be a spouse or a child- or anyone dear to their hearts-
some sentiment they have been told or heard..
"Fake it till you feel it."

I might have my feet treading outside the realm of 'really' understanding- I am sure feeling *better* when hurting (beyond my comprehension) is an obvious goal- it makes perfect sense..

But I just don't understand what is so wrong with feeling the very valid feelings of loss.

I am not sure why anyone would plant the seed in another that they need to push on..
chin up..
head strong..

I have to say My knee jerk reaction comment wise is *yes.. sad.*

this is sad.

and pain is relative.. we all hurt for various reasons to varying degrees..

yes people suffer- lives are devastated too often.
as Canadian I know we are lucky- I tend to think we are extra lucky actually..

or maybe we are just *here*
and our losses are no greater or lesser than anyone else's.

I don't know you at all really.
But I think when you are in pain- it hurts so much more when you question yourself- guilt sucks.. we all seem to beat ourselves up for taking time for us- having feelings- being human.

it is not your responsibility to take care of other's- it seems it is our job to take care of you.. that should be how a community works.

Kim said...

Once when I was caught in my head feeling guilty for reacting to some crisis in such a profound way when others have it "so much worse" a good friend gave me some very wise feedback.

She said something like, "If you had gashed your leg wide open in a chainsaw accident and were sitting in the ER waiting to be sewn back up would you decide it wasn't so bad after all and leave if someone came in who'd chopped his entire leg off with a chainsaw? Would you deny the severity of your injury just b/c the other guy had a worse injury??? Pain is pain - you're still cut open and bleeding. And hurting like hell."

Kim said...

Signed in on my other account under "Kim" accidentally - it's "neurotic chic" here.....

Crash Course Widow said...

Yours must be located right next door to my"poor me" suck hole. =)

I read in one grief book last winter how it's not terribly useful to compare the depth of your loss versus someone else (or something to that effect). Basically it was saying that it's not terribly helpful to your own experience of grief to downplay what you're going through, by saying that so-and-so has got it worse. Your loss is YOUR loss. Someone else's loss doesn't have a damn thing to do with you.

Yes, you can be grateful for a warm home, good food, time with your kids, etc. But it doesn't change what's happened, nor the bottomless pain you're feeling. Those things might help your life to be a little bit easier, but they don't fix anything, don't make it "all better."

Don't beat yourself up so much. Just stay honest and true to yourself....

Hang in there....

Anna in Minneapolis said...

I came to your blog through Matt's. I've been reading for a while, but felt today for the first time that I had to comment. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yes, we Westerners are so lucky. And it is so important for us to recognize that and appreciate what we have. But I don't think it's helpful to deny our suffering because others may be suffering more. I know a bit about Buddhism because my mother is a Zen Buddhist priest. She could say this so much better than I can, but from what I understand, at the root of Buddhism is an understanding that suffering is a universarl part of the human condition. We have to face our suffering and be with it (and not try to push it away or say that it's not allowed because others suffer more) if we want to truly help ourselves and also be of use to others who are suffering. You have every right to grieve and to feel sorry for yourself and to miss your husband terribly. If you don't allow yourself that, will it help all the poor people who are in the middle of wars and such? No. There will still be the suffering people, and there will still be you with grief that is okay to feel.

I bought a book for Matt called "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by a famous Buddhist nun named Pema Chodron, but I never sent it to him because I decided it probably wouldn't be his thing. I would love to send this to you if you would be okay with sharing your address. My e-mail address is avonlea1972 at yahoo dot com.

My heart goes out to you and yours.

Lisa said...

Jackie, You should just let your self
feel what you need to feel.You need to heal in what ever amount of time you need. Take each second bit by bit.
May your heart and soul find the peace and comfort it needs.

Warmest Regards,

Anonymous said...

Just the fact that you can bring your self to such an awareness says you are by no means a "poor me" anything.

As has been said, don't feel forced into comparing your is what it is. You have to walk through this fire.

It sucks.

Laurie XXOO

Crash Course Widow said...

Okay, I have to say I'm a little disturbed by the picture in this post. Not disturbed that you posted it at all--no, no. Just disturbed because I can't quite figure out what it is for sure and because I don't know if what I think it is--which is of course totally influenced by my widowhood and macabre tendency to see really disturbing death-related things where ordinarily I shouldn't or wouldn't have--is worse than what it actually is. And if it actually is what I'm thinking it is, gosh, how did you react upon coming across it?

Then again, I hope it's just driftwood. But living with death, grief, and some really macabre things that have become sadly commonplace these last 3 years has also made me a little paranoid sometimes....

Um...just driftwood, right?? :blinkblink:

Hope you're hanging in there....

Roads said...

I understand exactly what you're saying. You only had to look at the coverage of the tsunami, of the Pakistan earthquake, or the Chinese one, or the cyclone in Bangladesh ...
... or just about any news bulletin from Palestine or Iraq to realise that people are going through this every single day.

Never again will I watch a TV report showing widows wailing at a Middle Eastern grave in quite the same way. It's real to them, just as it is real to you now, and as it was to me all those years ago.

But understanding others' pain doesn't in any way diminish yours. It just lets you understand the world, a little bit better than before.

Widowhood grants great wisdom and strength, in unexpected ways. But I still wouldn't really recommend it. Spirits up.