Saturday, August 30, 2008


My mom, Oma, has the kids for a couple of nights. I needed a bit of time to myself. The kids were excited.
They LOVE Mom's garden. It certainly is a magical place where you can imagine fairies and gnomes would live. Thye love to take the double-decker bus with Oma. They go to the bakery and downtown to see the sights.
I think they may even go swimming at the pool today.
I am so glad they have a place where they feel excited to go, know they are loved and I know that my mom has a vested interest in their survival....They'll be okay.

But me? I think too much! It feels quiet and echo-ey without their constant squeals and flinging of various toys and food....But I need it. I just can't help feeling guilty when I get it. Is that normal?


Crash Course Widow said...

Normal? What's normal these days? Pretty much anything, I'd say.

I dont think you're abnormal in any way for how you're feeling. I sent Anna to an in-home daycare for two afternoons a week from about 2 months out to 7 months, so that I could get a break and so I had two afternoons a week I could make appts (since they were of course endless that early on) without having to scramble for a baby-sitter everytime. And she was only (just) 1 year old then.

After I quit work (not that I ever went back after Charley died) at 7 months out Anna started spending a "weekend" at my parents' house every week. We're still doing it at 3 years out. It's not quite as regular or consistent as it was before (unfortunately), and I often feel guilty for imposing on my mom so much, despite that she loves having Anna. I guess I feel I shouldn't need the breaks as much now as I used to--I should be all better at 3 years out, right? (Insert plenty of sarcasm there.)

I've found that I actually started needing the breaks more after that initial numbness wore off around 4-6 months out, and even more from abt 18 months on. I especially needed them when Anna's was being a turd during her Terrible Twos/Threes or when the grief was worse than normal. And even though I'm feeling quite a bit better these days (finally), I *still* really need those breaks and become one hell of a grumpy mommy without them.

Take it easy on yourself. You need all the breaks from two-parenthood that you can get. Try not to feel guilty about it. Time away from your children makes you a calmer, less frantic, less reactive mommy--and that's good for your children. Remember: what's good for you is good for your children.

But it's tough--I know. Hang in there, and try to make the most of your time "off," even if that means doing absolutely nothing. And don't be surprised if the grief gets really overwhelming without the kids as a distraction; that often happens with me.


Kate said...

Alone time is so important and I'm really glad you're getting it! I hope you can enjoy a little peace and quiet.

IamDerby said...

I think its totally normal. Everyone needs alone time.

Anonymous said...

you absolutely deserve it as well as the kids deserve it. it is also hard to transition to the silence.

leigh in the sav said...

enjoy your time alone and don't feel guilty for wanting it! it is a good renewal time for your nerves and soul - and healthy for them to have time with g-ma, while nurturing a little independence in them. good for all involved.

keep in mind these are the opinions of an unmarried, childless young woman - for what they're worth! but that's my two cents! ENJOY and relax. breathe. or cry. whatever you need. however you feel - just be yourself.

thinking of you.

13mimosa said...

Normal for me anyway. I long for time out and yesterday went shopping on my own out of desperation for clothes just to cover my body. What did I end up buying - clothes for the girls - how many times did I call to check in - three. I want the time out, but then when I get it, it seems (sometimes) overrated. I think that means that we don't put ourselves first enough. Balance for mums, time for themselves and stuff they want to do and see, means better balance in the family, at least that's what I think.

Poppy and Mei said...

Guilt? TOTALLY normal.
Lovin' the girls above, pretty cool friends, huh? Xxx

Andrea V said...

I think that feeling guilty without your kids is a natural feeling for almost any mom. I try to remember, to be the best mom that I can be, I need to be able to work on myself too. That being said, I don't do it very often.

In re-reading my post from yesterday, I realized that the post that I composed in my brain was far better then what was written.

I am so sorry and angry that there are wonderful people out there, living their lives and fighting the fight and they get hit with this stuff. I can only imagine how much it sucks. Keep on truck'n. Your children are beautiful and so are you!

Andrea V

Kathryn said...

Oooooh, I'd love to visit that garden too! I love gardens like that :O)

And as much as I love my kids, I love and need "my time" too to refresh, re-charge and just be for awhile. I think we all need that.