Thursday, August 28, 2008

unhappy anniversary

I've been referring to this week not-so-fondly as 'Shit Week'. I think it's been the hardest week since the early stages of losing Jeff. The five month anniversary of his death. My birthday. My grandfather's surgery. Now our anniversary. Possibly putting Eli down. Some huge decisions that I have to make alone. Just constant reminders of the life that stretches before me without him at my side.
I had planned to book Jeff and I a night or two at the resort we went to after we got married to celebrate our anniversary. Now I'll spend it sitting on the couch trying to forget by watching some sort of crap on the tv.
I have decided, though, that since we didn't have a 'proper' honeymoon; one day, I'll do it for us. We had always planned to go to Ireland for a honeymoon when the kids were old enough to be away from us for a couple of weeks (Liv was two years old when we got married). So, when/if I land on my feet, I am going to put a few dollars away when I can and go to Ireland with Jeff. Unfortunately, he'll be in the form of a small amount of ashes in the locket around my neck, but I will try to the things we were going to do.
Anyhow, I am trying to not be too 'poor me' this week. But, fuck, I feel 'poor me'. I can't wait until it's over. I may have to have a drink to celebrate it's end....maybe two.


Kate said...

Those are wonderful photos and I really like the idea of going to Ireland. That sounds really special. This must be such a hard day - I'll be thinking of you.

(I'm one of the creeps, by the way. I've been reading for a while and decided to come out of hiding.)

katie j said...

Hope you can feel the Minnesota love and hugs coming your way...I'm crying along with you today.
Hang in there Jackie, you're an amazing woman and you WILL make it.
Much love from just another "creep"

Christa said...

I think all the creeps will join you in that drink or two. So let us know what time we need to pop the top!

I do love your Ireland idea. I'm sorry that all this is happening at once, maybe the shit week of [insert year here] can be your trip to Ireland?

Big hugs out to you.

darcie said...

oh Jackie...your anniversary...fuck! It's ok to say poor me...go ahead and throw yourself a big ass pity party because girl, you deserve it. I wish it was enough for us to tell you that we are thinking of you and that we have your back but none of that will make your pain any less real. Hang in there Jackie - xoxo - creepy darcie

leigh in the sav said...

as per usual, i second what christa said! ireland is my current dream vacation, too.

my heart breaks for you to go through all of this at once. but i will join you in a beverage to drown sorrows/celebrate surviving any day.

and you're certainly allowed to say poor me. you have endured way too much in the past five months. but just remember that - you have endured and you will continue to do so.

love and hugs from the opposite corner of north america.

Eilie said...

My heart is aching for you.

Part of this song by Bright Eyes reminded me of you ..

"Your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope."

You'll be OK, Jackie. I'm sorry it sucks so bad for you right now. You've got alllll these shoulders to lean and cry on .. use us. We believe in you.

Namaste and a big ol' hug.

Marissa said...

Another creep sending love & positive thoughts your way today.

I'll drink one (or two), for your anniversary, for you, for Jeff, for the week, for the kids, for Eli, for broken dreams & just for plain fuckety fucks sake tonite too.

To Ireland.

Anonymous said...

I see such joy and happiness in both of your faces in these photos. I'm so sorry that this is such a dark time for you Jackie. There are so many stranger friends lurking and lifting you up today and every day.

Big, big hugs,

Barbara Chivers

Chris said...

another creepy lady sending you some extra love today.

i had just picked up some info on travelling to Ireland at the Irish Fest a couple of weeks ago. If you need a travelling companion, let me know!


Poppy and Mei said...

Cheers, love...Xxx

Laurie said...

The past five months have been awful for you. You are allowed to say poor me. Hang in there!!

Sending extra hugs your way today.

More love from another "creep"

Anonymous said...

Five months is not very long at all to have lost your love and be trying to deal with it all and no, it's not a "poor me" post...It's a very sad day for you, I'm sure.
You wanted forever...and you got a few years. Cry your tears...then plan a trip! Because you DESERVE that, 100%!!! I hope you get to go!!

Crash Course Widow said...

Hell, have a "poor me" week all you want. You're entitled, dangit. All those "big events" you mentioned are hard enough in grief without them all coming in one surge.

I don't have a "shit week"; instead I have a "shit month," which for me is December. (So fortunately for me, it's not quite as compacted as your shit week.) Our wedding anniversary, his birthday two weeks later, Christmas. Or maybe it's really a "shit two months," stretching from Thanksgiving to mid-January, when I always hit the 6-month mark of Charley death. That I'm supposed to be thankful and spend time with family when Charley's dead just torques me off (more than Christmas does, actually), and then New Year's is another sometimes annoying "ouch" in there, followed 12 days later by the 6-month mark of his death. Yeah, that stretch definitely sucks.

Give yourself permission to wallow, pout, sulk, and hurt--to GRIEVE--all you want this week. And by all means, have those two drinks.

Hang in there this week. Wishing you some moments of peace this week....


Andrea V said...


I have just gotten done reading all of the posts since Jeff's death. I learned of your site from my stranger (slash) friend Matt. Your stregnth and honesty are amazing. You truly are a gift to your kids.

I will never offer advice, as I do not have any idea what you are going through. Just support from me to you - a stranger in Minnesota with an amazingly good listening ear!

I love the photos of you and Jeff on your wedding day. You both have such terrific smiles! The first time I looked on your site and saw the picture of Jeff, without reading anything, I thought to myself, that guy has got to be a fisherman. He has a very familiar look to him, like I have seen him somewhere before.

I really feel for you with what you are struggling with Eli. This I do know a lot about (BC - Before Children, I did a lot of animal rescue, rehab, fostering and animal cruelty work). It is so, so difficult to part with such a wonderful friend. You will know when the time comes. Eli will let you know.

I will continue to follow your story. I will send good thoughts your way and hopes of happy things in your days. I subscribe to the thought that loved ones that have passed ARE watching out for you. I can imagine that Jeff would be a terrific little (well, pretty big) angel to have!

All my best on this day and every day. Big hugs to your beautiful children.
Andrea V

P.S. Quite sometime ago, you mentioned that you had the idea of making those adorable dresses (as modeled on Liv) - how is that coming? Are you still looking to do that? I have two girls and many friends who would love to see their kids in them!

IamDerby said...

Beautiful photos. I am so sorry things suck so bad.

Kate said...

Hi Jackie... I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Kate in the Northridge from Matt's blog. The other Creeps and I are following your blog and pulling for you and the kids every day, for what it's worth... We're all just heartbroken for you.

Please let us know if there's anything we can do for you. Seriously. We're creepy, but organized. ;-)

All the best,
K in the N

p.s. Your kids are GORGEOUS!!!

Kathryn said...

I've always wanted to do The Ring of Kerry in Ireland one day. It seems like such a beautiful trip/journey with so many breathtaking views and I imagine nice B&Bs along the way.
I hope you'll go and take lots of pictures because your phtography is amazing to me...really outstanding!