went there again

I haven't added a new post in the last few days as we were away...again. I took the kids and the dogs back to the old town where Jeff and I met. The kids are always up for an adventure but my main motivation was to get Eli up there one last time....and to feel surrounded by people who knew Jeff too and had memories to share. Bittersweet.

We went to the small local aquarium to check out the sea life with the kids.

It was very cool. Liv's favourite attraction was the octopus. They fed it a dungenous crab. It actaully took awhile for the octopus to be interested in this tasty meal placed in the tank. It just sat there initially (Did you know that octopus are nocturnal?) allowing me a view out the tank window....Fuck. The Whisky Dock. The dock that I excitedly ran down to so very many times to meet Jeff when they had landed. I looked up and out the window and get a little thrill of anticipation. His possible arrival. We saw a boat come in. Liv asked if it was Jeff's boat and if he was coming home. "I really wish, love," was all I could say.

Staring at that tank and the dock on the other side was a bit of torture. To sound just a tad dramatic, I could identify with that poor crab. Stuck in this small tank with a predator that you know is going to attack at any moment and drag you down. My captor isn't an eight legged sea creature. It's fear, loneliness and even the memories at times. Maybe this trip wasn't such a great idea.

My sweet friend, Jill, was with us, though. It's hard to not giggle when she's around. So I survived.

One of Jeff's very best friends, Robo, was spending the visit with us too. The kids love him like a favourite uncle and it's so calming to have someone else around who loves the kids almost as much as I do...and will happily chase them and play with them without me feeling guilty that someone else is doing 'my job'. We took the dogs to the beach to 'run around'. It was fucking heartbreaking to watch Eli. He so wanted to play. Freckles was bombing up and down the beach. Ziggy, Eli's best buddy for years and years when they were still pups, barked and roamed along the shore. Eli hobbled. Barked in frustration. Tried to follow Freckles out for a swim and had to be 'rescued'....twice. I've been thinking off and on about getting him a doggy cart. I do think he'd be able to get around when he had it on. But what about in the house. What about when I had to run errands and I couldn't attend to him like I would want/need to? What if he flipped in the backyard and I didn't find him until hours later? I want to keep him around. I don't know if I can handle losing him this year so close to the loss of Jeff...but I don't want him to have to suffer because of my situation. I wonder if I just need to be strong and help him to shed his poor broken body. I try to look at it from other people's eyes. To see it objectively. I can see both arguments. I can see a case for not saying good-bye to my pal just yet. He's not in pain. He still wants to run and play. But he doesn't like not getting around. He needs help in/out of the car/stairs/doorways. I always thought these things were cut and dry. I would murmur about it 'being time' when I thought I knew best because the person losing their pet had lost their objectivity. I don't want to do it too soon...for him. I don't want to let him down when it's inconvenient. But I also don't want to do it too late. When he isn't enjoying his life anymore. Will I ever really know? Are we really supposed to be the ones to make this call? Is letting 'nature take it's course' the right thing to do? He'd be dead in the wild if I did that now....

Luckily, my funny little ones inherited their wonderful father's terrific sense of humour. It's hard to dwell and mope when I have two little comedians as my tagalongs. I find the experience of our visit this time much less melancholy...although it has moments, it is different.

We went for dinner at one of the local restaurants on the beach. Liv so enjoyed the story of a date Jeff and I went on here. We were enjoying our dinner with another couple (I don't actually even remember who it was now) when Jeff suddenly got up from the table and walked outside. I watched him run down the boardwalk from this rather fancy eatery to the beach where he quickly stripped off his clothes (except for his underwear) and dashed into the ocean. He swam around for a few minutes and then reemerged colder but with a huge grin on his face. Everyone in the restaurant was transfixed by this odd behaviour and laughed as they watched him pull his clothes back on and come back up the boardwalk to finish up our date. He had tried to impress me and it had worked. Laughing does wonders for a newly budding relationship...actually all relationships.