Saturday, August 16, 2008

too negative

I hear I'm too negative. That I only 'talk' about crappy shit lately. It doesn't matter that I am lost from losing my beloved husband. That I am grossly sad over my sweet grandfather's illness. That I am afraid of what things will be like after having to put my best doggy buddy, Eli, down. That I have so many regrets when dealing with my darling friend's devastating illness.
No one wants to hear about it. I must put on my grotesque happy-face mask and talk about the oh-so-fucking-cute chipmunk that I got extremely close photos of today.



What amazes me, however, is the complete lack of empathy for this situation and the disregard for the positive steps that I have taken.

I am trying to keep us busy with things that we find enjoyable. I am thinking about joining the local photography group. I am taking the kids to fairs and out to the park. I am eating. I can laugh. I try to see happiness and positivity....the problem is that you have to come around to see it. You have to phone us or be involved in our lives. The short snippets you get from the blog or from phonecalls after I've just been informed of yet another 'kick in the chops' don't cut it.

I am TRYING. I get out of bed. I make breakfast. I play with my kids. Yes, sometimes, I cry...or yell. But I try. Please don't look away in distaste or berate me for feeling how I feel. TRY to understand that I have been through, what I think is, a lot and am trying to get through more. Don't tell me that many people have hard lives. That other people have to deal with 'their lot'. It does not help. It hurts. I feel you're comparing me. I am not them. I am me. And I am trying....Please, just tell me that you're proud of me. That you think I'm doing okay. That you love me. That you'll be here if I need you. Even if you're lying. I need to know that I am not alone without Jeff, my biggest supporter.....because that is how I feel. Totally alone.

48 comments:

13mimosa said...

Oh Jackie, who are these people that are giving you such a hard time - my god, I've had girlfriends break up from relatively short term, relatively inconsequential relationships who complained more than you. I am not there, I don't know you, but honestly, I am amazed that you have to deal with these things along with everything else. Focus on those who support you - spend more time in the homes of friends you feel welcomed and supported by. Don't put up with crap from anyone, whoever they are, you have enough to deal with. ALSO - you are doing well, you are getting by, you are putting one foot in front of the other. I'm doing my best to keep my language clean but honestly - stuff the rest of them - you're doing the best you can.

Anonymous said...

You are doing far better than I feel I would, given what has happened to you. You say you get out of bed, make breakfast... laugh and try to enjoy the world. I am not sure that I would be able to. So much so that at times I even find myself envying your strength.

We are proud of you.
You are doing okay.
We love you.
We will be here when you need us.

No lie.

Anonymous said...

Don't let people tell you how to greive You have been blasted with so much. Your bolg is a place to let it out. I pray for you and i hope you do not listen to the people that are tellng you to get over it. Just getting up every morning is good for now. I see in you blog that you are trying to lve just have to find a new life now. It is so hard. take care

Marissa said...

I was linked to you through Matt's blog and wanted you to know after visiting your blog a few times over the past month or so, I'm incredibly proud of you.

Wrap you & those babies in a protective cocoon and grieve how you need to, with no explanations or apologies necessary.

Kathryn said...

That sheep IS adorable!! The pig is too! You are a wonderful photographer and it seems you have so many beautiful people and things to photograph where you live. Also, you are so pretty...you probably already know that, but in case you don't...there you are! Not many women can pull off looking good with braids, but you do :O)

Anonymous said...

found you through matt's blog & have been reading for awhile. fuck the negative comments coming your way. you deal with all that is going on around you in whatever way works for you. although i am a stranger...

i am absolutely proud of you and how far you've come.
you ARE okay.
you are an amazing mom.

cara

Anonymous said...

Every day life is hard enough at times - what? the kids really want to eat again? - but to have any one of the the catastrophies you have experienced recently....I think if you get out of bed at all you are doing wonderfully.
Just delete all other comments.

Anonymous said...

"Never judge unless you have walked a mile in their moccasins.".. or gumboots for our matter.

xoxo
Mel

Bonnie said...

Fuck the chipmunk close-up!

I'm amazed by you. I'd rather you be real any day than try to "please" us with a "happy" photo.

xoxo
Bonnie

sharpwalls said...

I came upon you through Matt as well. I also lost my husband tragically six years ago and my children were grown. I am amazed at you everyday! The enery that you are showing (tho you think not) is amazing. Keep yourself shrouded with people that are there for you, forget the rest. And if you can go to counseling. If you should ever need a listening ear, please. And always remember your soulmate, he is still there with you....listen to him.

Lindsay D. said...

Hi Jackie-

I am absolutely HORRIFIED that people are trying to qualify and compare your grief and situation, as well as saying that you are too negative, etc. Please, please don't listen to them-

You are a beautiful person with an amazing spirit and soul. You have strength I admire more than you could ever imagine. Like others have said- this is your blog, your life, your heartbreak, your struggle- No one should ever judge. . .

If I may repeat what "Anonymous" said-

We are proud of you.
You are doing okay.
We love you.
We will be here when you need us.

and if I may add-

You are NOT alone.

Please know that you have a network of "creepy stranger friends" from Matt's blog that care about you and your family, that think of you often, and are all sending healing peaceful vibes your way always. :)

Kris in the MN said...

Jackie - you just need to do whatever you feel is best for you and your family. Everyone grieves differently. I think it sounds like you are doing a great job. Just keep moving forward as best as you can. One foot in front of the other.

I too am here from Matt's blog. I pop in a lot to see how you are doing. Just know that there are so many of us that care about you and your kids.

Thinking of you and sending you good wishes from the MN....

Becky P. said...

Another creepy friend that found you via Matt. We probably don't leave you comments as often as we should, but you've got a whole crew from the MN cheering for you and thinking you're doing an amazing job.

Stay strong, hold the babies close and give a yell to the MN if we can help.

alicat413 said...

hi jackie--

just another of matt's creeps who's been silently following you through this tragedy. screw the people who are judging you. this is your blog, a place for you to share your feelings. everyone grieves in their own way, at their own pace. you will get through this on your terms. you are a fabulous mother. don't ever doubt that.

please keep in mind (i know it's already been said) that the creeps are very proud of you. we're pulling for you. and please, just let us know if there is anything we can do.

keep smiling. you are amazing.

ali

marianne said...

jackie,
i found you as the others have thru matt's blog. i don't know either of you, but i can tell you that i am checking on you two at least once a day. i say prayers for you and talk/brag about you to others like i am your sister. i am totally amazed that you can handle even one of the devasting issues in your life, let alone all of them at once. you make it very clear in the disclaimer that this is a very personal blog for you and if whoever is reading it doesn't like it, then shut up and leave. that is exactly what they need to do. how dare anyone tell you what you should or should not be feeling, that you are too negative, not doing the right thing, etc. i don't usually comment on blogs, but i just want you to know that you are a remarkable woman and an inspiration to more people (mostly strangers) than you probably even realize. anytime i start to snivel about my life, i stop and think about what you are dealing with and tell myself to get over it. this is still very fresh for you and it will always be hard. keep yourself surrounded by your true friends and family, and fuck the others.
take care of yourself.

marianne :-)

Anonymous said...

Jackie,
As everyone else has said....
You are doing this the only way you know how. Be true to yourself! I think you are awesome, and you can do whatever you need to do. Don't ever feel like you need to apologize, maybe some of these other people should start apologizing.
We are here whenever you need us for whatever you need us for....
Madeline is home so anytime Olivia wants to play let me know.

Chris said...

Another 'creep' here, pulling for you and telling you to ignore anything that comes your way as an insult. You do what you need to do for you and your kids and screw the rest of them.

(((hugs)))

matt_in_the_los_angeles said...

yo.

i'm here for you.

always.

and i'm so fucking proud of you.

maureen said...

Jackie-Who are these people that are saying this???...to echo what others have said, they need to mind their own business. I am so very sorry that people do not have the brains to understand that you are completely entitled to grieve in any way you have to. I am another of the Creeps from Matt's blogs, and I read your blog every day. I haven't posted before, but know that you are in my thoughts... (as well as all of the other Creepy girls from Matt's blog). I think that you are doing a fantastic job...you are so incredibly brave. Please don't listen to those that say otherwise....

J said...

I think you are a wonderful mother and are doing the very best that you can. I can only hope to do the same if I was faced with such an awful tragedy. I admire your strength so much. Your children are absolutely as cute as can be! Just adorable.

Melissa said...

Also here via Matt and Creepville.

And I am AMAZED by you. Unsolicited advice just sucks. Let it run off your shoulders.

darcie said...

Jackie - I'm another creep here too - found you via Matt and Maddy and have been lurking around your site for some time - not sure if I've ever left a comment but I do think of you often. You owe nothing to anyone. Fuck them! You do not have to explain yourself. Ever. No one knows how you feel - not even people that have been in your "situation" a situation that I cannot even begin to comprehend. My heart breaks for you - and at the same time - you are inspiration...the only thing that matters is you and your little ones. You can write about what you want, when you want. Reject the negative comments and naysayers and keep your head up high - where it should be.
We are pulling for you Jackie.
darcie in the MN -

Christa said...

Another creeper from Matts Blog here sending you a ton of love and hugs and always willing to remind others to FUCK THE ASSHATS!!

Cheers honey.
In awe of you.

~Christa in the Valencia

IamDerby said...

Hang in there. Ignore the idiots and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think you are awesome and brave.

Laurie said...

Hi Jackie- Another creep via Matt and Madeline pulling for you. You are doing an outstanding job with your children and your difficult situation. Anyone that thinks otherwise needs to keep their fucking comments to themselves. Give those 2 beautiful children an extra hug from Minnesota and hold your head up high.
We are inspired by you everyday.

Jenn said...

O.K. Jackie...that is a baby squirrel, not a chipmunk. It is adorable! You are doing good...who cares what everyone else thinks!?

Heather said...

Hey Jackie -
We've been out of touch recently...sorry about that....and sorry you are getting crappy feedback from people. You ARE doing great - you took your kids camping and set up the tent on your OWN!! It would be nice to say "just ignore the negative comments" but I'm sure they are coming from people who are hard to ignore in your life. If it helps, remember that there are those of us who do think you're doing a great job.

Heather
PS. We're in Minneapolis for a couple of weeks - will call when were back home

Cadi said...

What the heck. I'll use the f*** word.

Some people suck.

You rock.

Fuck them!

Kathryn said...

I feel like an idiot. I posted about your sheep and pig picture in the wrong post, but hopefully you knew that.

Be real and pour out your heart here and say whatever you want. You do have people that are listening and wishing they could help you through this.

FWIW, I think you're amazing ;o)

Poppy and Mei said...

Hey Jacks,
I can't believe you can get outta bed each day.
You amaze me.
You are going through so much pain & still functioning as an above par Muma.
I can't honestly say I would be.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. Xxx

Katy said...

Jackie--

Yet another of the group of "creeps" that have adopted Matt as one of our own, and have been keeping an eye on you as well. Jackie, I am STUNNED at how well you are coping; I can't even fathom doing what you're doing. You're not only moving through your own grieving process, but you're helping your kids do it too. There's no instruction manual for THAT.

Next time you get crap, how about something like this in response: "Everyone who's had their spouse die abruptly and is now raising two young children completely alone, please give me all the advice you possibly can. Everyone else, shut the fuck UP."

You're probably too nice to say something like this...but if it happens again, let the "creeps" know and we'll say it for you. : )

We are all sending you warm vibes every single day--

randommsugirl said...

another creeper than found you through Matt's site. YOu should not feel that you "have" to be a certain way at all. Everybody deals with the crap in life differently (and it does appear you have had more than your fair share of late) and all of those haters obviously can't wrap their head around this. I think you are doing a fabulous job, and that you are far more positive that I could ever hope to be in your situation. As long as your children are thriving, and you can see the sun shining, you are doing better than well. Cheers to you and poo to any negative commentators. xoxoxo from Chicago

Anonymous said...

Oh dear Jackie:

I don't have time to read all the other comments, so forgive me if I'm repeating what you've already read 30+ times, but darlin' the only reason anyone would have the audacity to say something this cruel is because they are themselves so freakin' negative and also extremely selfish.

I read your blog every day and I am in awe of how you're handling Jeff's passing. Although you are mourning this unfathomable loss, you continue to be a great - not just good or acceptable...GREAT - mother in every way. I'm not just saying I'm proud of you because you need to hear it...it's the truth. I gain strength from your courage and perseverance every day.

Umm, and to anyone who feels that Jackie isn't living up to your mourning expectations....GO AWAY! More importantly, get your heads our of your asses and appreciate this woman for all of her amazingness.

Jackie, you rock!!

With much love, support and appreciation for ALL that you are!

xxoo Laurie

Auntie Em said...

Hi, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you everyday. I know I'm a total stranger, but I so wish I could be bringing you guys dinner, and taking your kids when you need a break, or taking YOU out when you need a break. There are so many of us here for you. Reach out for us. We're here. I pray for peace to surround you today.

Elfie33 said...

Don't let folks tell you how to do anything, they aren't walking in your shoes. The only thing I might suggest (if you feel like it) is to see if there is a grief support group in your area. Talking with others who are going what your going thru may give you another outlet. *hugs*

Cindy T in the WV said...

I got your blog from Matt's (in the CA) and it totally blew me away. My nephew just passed away (47 yrs. old - 31 days after he was diagnosed with cancer) and his wife is going through the same thing as you. All I can do is feel useless. I know that her grandkids are wonderful for her now, as I'm sure your little chillins are good for you. The best advice I have is just take it one day at a time. I am so sorry for your loss.

TheSingingBird said...

♥speak your truth♥
whenever possible surround yourself with loving supportive people
♥speak your truth♥

~this is my mantra

Melody said...

I don't know you, but I'm proud to know of you. It appears you're doing more than okay under the circumstances. I think you are awesome!

You're obviously a loving person and I hope that from now on people only approach you with loving, open arms, because you so deserve it. hugs from the los angeles

Crash Course Widow said...

Totally alone. Yup, that's exactly how it feels. Everyone else has their full family still and can bitch about the petty, small, "luxury" problems in their lives, but you can't even be honest with how awful you're feeling. Yup, been there, done that, remember it all too well.

I'm so very, very sorry that you've run into people who are basically telling you that you need to shut up and make life easier for *them*. I haven't read comments on most of your posts--are these people commenters on your blog, or people you know in real life who are saying them directly to you? Either way, it's so very, very sad and I'm so sorry.

If it's any consolation, I don't think you're being negative. I think you're being honest, and real, and faithful to the pain tearing through your body and heart. But I've been through this same fire myself, so all the so-called "negativity" doesn't even register to me. You're not being negative--you're GRIEVING, for shit's sake.

Be as negative as you want. It's healthier and better for you to vent that negativity out, to give voice to it and expel it out of you, than it is to stuff it and keep it in. Or at least that's been my experience, during grief and widowhood. It only made everything worse when I tried to hold it all in.

Hang in there, Jackie. Hang in there....

Anonymous said...

It's Barb again, Matt's sorta cousin, and any woman who has ever parented alone should understand your frustration and anger in going at it all alone. Raising children alone isn't for the faint of heart for sure! I truly believe you are doing an amazing job, and I can't say that I'd even be able to wake up and make breakfast, let alone with a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I love your photos, and your humor even in these very dark times. The little ones will grow up before you know it. It's amazing how they change every day. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your best friend/hubby/father of your wonderful children. Jackie....never forget you are an amazing woman and I really wish you lived closer and were my neighbor. You could lean on me any time and I would hope that I would not be judgmental of your anger. You truly sound like a wonderful and amazing person and I appreciate how real you are, and expressive, those are healthy qualities. I'm glad you are not sugar coating your world and your experience. Thanks for sharing your life and children and photos with all of us. If you are ever in Indianapolis you have a place to stay for sure!!

Huge hugs and wishes for a few glimpses of joy today : )

Barb

Sarah said...

hey jackie...
been a lurker for a few weeks, i'm a lurker of matt's too, and have been at a loss for words so i haven't left any comments ... until now. i can say with confidence that I'M proud of you and that you ARE doing a great job. i'm sure there are a bajillion others out there that read your blog that feel the same way. you are incredibly brave and you're doing everything you can do to get through this. too all those nay-sayers, just kick 'em in the shins. don't listen to a word they say, jackie. you've got a LOT of people pulling for you. hang in there ... we all love you!

Rach said...

Darling Jackie,

You are most definately not and will never be alone. You are definately doing an amazing job. People who say otherwise are definately fucked in the head.

You know we are out here, thinking of you and being constantly amazed by your strength and energy and by the way you are dealing with this, the shittiest of all things.

We are here for you on the end of the phone, computer and sometimes, at the end of the street - just sing out when you need us.

Love Rach

Lisa said...

Big hugs from Calgary Jackie....hoping your pain lessens over time on your own terms.

Warmest regards,
Lisa

Sol from Argentina said...

Another creeper from Matts Blog here sending you good vibes and ton of hugs!
Stay strong!
xoxoxo
Sol

Lisa in the MN said...

I am also one of Matt's groupies that found you thru his blog.

WTF - how can anyone criticize you or be at all critical of what you are going thru. At least you are honest with what you are feeling & aren't pretending to be 'fine'. It's healthy to share what you are feeling.

We are all proud of you - keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing awesome!!

about denise said...

"Jakie Groupie" here....Just remember that you don't owe anybody anything. I just thought you needed to hear/read it again.

valeria said...

Dear Jackie,
you are wonderful. I found out your blog months ago and after a little while your tragedy happened. I felt so bad, I couldnt come to read more, for some time. I lost my father when I was only 8. I grew up well and healthy thanks to my mummy, but as an adult, I realize I can't get over the fear of losing my husband. It's not that I think about it all the time, but when I get anywhere near it, it scares me so much. It scared me to see "how it felt" for you and I felt like experiencing the tragedy that you were living and feeling pains in my stomach. That's why I stopped clicking on your blog. Today I came back to see how it was going. And you are absolutely wonderful. You can do so many things, while others would stop living. I guess the children are big part of this wonder, of the strength that you feel to go on. You are a great example to me. I am sorry I can't express my thougt any better, although I'd have more to say.

dawn said...

Another one of Matt's and Madeline's followers and now yours. Jackie, you don't know me but I am oh so proud of you. I cannot begin to even imagine what you're going through, it breaks my heart. But I've read all your entries over the last couple of days (screw work!) and you amaze me. You are raising two beautiful children. You are getting up every day and doing what you need to do. I am so, so sorry for your loss but please know that you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I will be checking on you every day, just like I do Matt and Maddie, just remember there's another person out there who is hugging you tight.

Dawn in the OV (Orangevale, CA)