No one wants to hear about it. I must put on my grotesque happy-face mask and talk about the oh-so-fucking-cute chipmunk that I got extremely close photos of today.
I am trying to keep us busy with things that we find enjoyable. I am thinking about joining the local photography group. I am taking the kids to fairs and out to the park. I am eating. I can laugh. I try to see happiness and positivity....the problem is that you have to come around to see it. You have to phone us or be involved in our lives. The short snippets you get from the blog or from phonecalls after I've just been informed of yet another 'kick in the chops' don't cut it.
I am TRYING. I get out of bed. I make breakfast. I play with my kids. Yes, sometimes, I cry...or yell. But I try. Please don't look away in distaste or berate me for feeling how I feel. TRY to understand that I have been through, what I think is, a lot and am trying to get through more. Don't tell me that many people have hard lives. That other people have to deal with 'their lot'. It does not help. It hurts. I feel you're comparing me. I am not them. I am me. And I am trying....Please, just tell me that you're proud of me. That you think I'm doing okay. That you love me. That you'll be here if I need you. Even if you're lying. I need to know that I am not alone without Jeff, my biggest supporter.....because that is how I feel. Totally alone.