Thursday, March 27, 2008

the loss of my love and my life


I haven't written in a few days and probably won't for awhile. My best friend, love of my life, father of my children and husband has died. It was sudden and terrible. I can not explain or express the horrible and awful depth of my pain. I worry for my children and I can't seem to think. I don't know what to do. I am lost. I don't know how I'll survive.


I tried so hard to save you, Jeff. I tried. I am so very sorry. I wish I could go back and try again. I would have given my life for yours.
I hope there is a place that he goes. I hope this isn't the end of his existence. I hope he can see me and be with me while I raise our small children. I will try to stick to what we had decided was best for our children in the raising and education of them. How am I going to afford this? How can I live without him? How can I even take one step or think about another day? I am so lost. I wish I could follow him.


I miss you....endlessly.

43 comments:

Heather Williams said...

Jackie -
Know that Jeff will live on in your children. He will always be with you - in your hearts, in your precious memories and in your beautiful photographs. You are in my thoughts constantly. Know also that Rog and I are always here for you - whenever or whatever you need. We love you. Stay strong.
Heath

Krista said...

Jackie, we have all come together to make sure that you are never alone even though it will still feel sooooooo lonely, you have us. Please remember we will do anything for you and you have angels watching over you, friends and family far and wide are here to catch you for the years to come, whatever you need, just ask. Will stay touch, daily, hourly when needed, sweet mama. Huge hugs and love to you, I'm thinking of you every minute. You'll never be alone.

Anna said...

My thoughts are with.

GreenStyleMom said...

I am so sorry. I am at a loss for words, but my heart is aching for you. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

the puRple gRasshoppeR said...

Jackie, I'm so very sorry... our hearts and thoughts for you and your family.

Rach said...

Jackie,
I am so, so sorry for your and your babies. I am just so shocked and sad for you. All our love and hugs and thoughts, Rach, Steve and Minnie

Anonymous said...

Jackie,
I know that there are no words that can take away the pain you are feeling right now. I wish I could somehow wipe out all the sadness in the world. Especially for you. Know that I am here for you should you need anything at all. Hugs.
Colleen

twolimeleaves said...

Lean on those around you. There are friends near who obviously love you very much.
I am so sad for you.
Kirsty (via Krista's blog)

esmereldaknits said...

Dear Jackie,
I was so sorry to hear of your loss through Krista's blog. No words I can offer can ever be enough, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Claudia

13mimosa said...

I read of your loss through Krista's blog also. I don't know you as many others do not, but we feel that we know some of those who do through the words they write.

I wish you courage for the days ahead and hope you can draw strength and support from those who love you and who will be there to do all they can to help you along. I'm so sorry.

Kristy said...

I came via Krista's blog aswell.I really hve no words just wanted you to know I care.
Kristy x

Rach said...

Jackie, just me again. I want you to know that I have been thinking about you all day and just want you to know that although I am thousands of miles away, I am here if there is anything you need. Rach xxx

Gypsy said...

I'm so sorry - I don't even know you but admire your blog - and I am so so sad to hear of your loss. Know there are people all over the world praying for you and your children.

jessica said...

you and your gorgeous family are in my thoughts. i will go to bed tonight with you fully on my mind. hope somehow that reaches you. so much love...

martha said...

Jackie -
I am so sorry. Know that my thoughts are with you and your family.

Lynanne said...

I wish I had more to offer than just "I'm sorry." My heart aches for you. Take care!

Jill Smith said...

This happened to me in 2002 very sudden and l was asleep but you will get through as l was thinking just like you are now, never think about anything further than the day you are in now and slowley the days get easier l promise you that but when they come don,t feel quilty when you smile or laugh as he wants to see you doing that, he doesn't want you heart broken and l know its very hard but l know what your going through and if you want me to help l will so this is my email addy jillsmithrt@googlemail.com
sometimes its eaasier to ge in touch with a person you dont know well so please do when the time is right.
lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx

Tammy said...

I saw this through Krista's blog. I don't know you, but my heart is with you at this time anyway.

Hugs............

Poppy & Mei said...

Jackie,
We are shocked & deeply saddened by the lose of your obviously wonderful partner, Jeff.
We will hold you all in our hearts not only today but for a very long time to come.
Wishing you strength,
Bex, Mark, Poppy & Mei...XXxx

jane said...

my heart aches so deeply for you and for your children. i hope that in time you will find peace. sending you warmth, love and healing . . . jane

Dawn said...

I don't know you but I'm sending my love.

Kirsten said...

I came to you through Bex's site and I too want to offer you my heartfelt condolences on your loss. He sounds like a wonderful man and I am thinking of you and your family in this difficult time.

Yarrow said...

Oh I am so sorry. You are in all of our thougths and please know that Jeff knows in some way all that you want him to. Sending love and strength.

Sherri said...

Jackie,
Sending love and peaceful energy your way. I am praying for your pain to ease.

Cadi said...

I don't know you, but you and your children will be in my thoughts & prayers often. Sending you lots of love, Cadi

lovestitches said...

I'm so sorry for you.

Emilie said...

I'm am so sorry for your loss. You and your sweet babies are in my thoughts....

Susan said...

A man with kind eyes.
Sending you strength for all that lies ahead.

christina at bamboletta said...

Jackie,
I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. My thoughts are with you and your beautiful children.
Christina

Penny said...

I don't know what to say - you don't have any idea who I am, but I want to send you my heartfelt condolences and let you know that my heart is with you and your family.

peppermint t said...

My heart is with you and your beautiful kids.

Mama Randa Morning Glory said...

I 'meet' you now for only the first time and nonetheless my heart aches for you though I cannot know the extent of the pain you are feeling. Know that he is still with you, not only in your thoughts and memories, but I truly believe that a part of his true essence is staying with you, blowing gently across your face, trying to find some way to ease the suffering of his beloved. Draw strength from your children as they need you now more than ever. The sun will shine again, but until it does, know just how many people are thinking of you and sending peace your way. Sending you my deepest compassion, Miranda

Anonymous said...

My heart and prayers go out to you and your children. I only came upon your blog last night and said a prayer for your family, then tiptoed away. But later I remembered a site I came across awhile ago started by Crescent Dragonwagon who was suddenly widowed. It's a place for people to come together and share their grief and know that they are not the only ones navigating this difficult terrain. The address is www.clubned.org. I wish you strength and a circle of loving family and friends.
Melissa M

kristin said...

you dear woman.

not knowing you, not knowing your children, not knowing your dear jeff,

i promise to remember you and send fierce love your way.

Cristi said...

Jackie,
I do not think I've met you. I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss. My heart breaks for you and your sweet children.
Cristi

Kristin said...

no words alone can touch the grief in your heart, but I hope that you know that somewhere out there, across the lands, men and women across the world are praying for you, lifting you up, remembering you and your family, and sending so much love in your direction.

about denise said...

Oh I am so very sorry for you and your children. Truly.

Denise

vintagechica said...

Oh Jackie,

I don't even know you or your family, but I have tears welling up in my eyes as I type this. I pray for strength and healing for your broken heart.

Much love to you in this hard time.

Becky said...

*hugs*

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sorry doesn't even begin to describe it.

I am Jen said...

Jackie -

I can't even begin to put into words how sorry I am for you and your children.

Kathleen said...

i am so sorry for your loss...sending healing prayers to you and your sweet babes.

Anonymous said...

Jackie, I've been reading your blog since April. I feel like a peeping Tom or something. I don't know if it's wrong to enter into the pain of a stranger and remain silent and anonymous. Today I came across the blog of a man who lost his wife on March 25 of this year. Maybe it's completely weird and stupid and inappropriate, but I thought that I'd just send you the post. If that's completely idiotic, I'm sorry. I just thought that we all look for connections--people who share our experiences, who understand--and this man lost his wife on the same day that you lost Jeff--you were connected without knowing it--your journey started the same day as his. Here's his site if you'd like to take a look at it some time. http://www.mattlogelin.com

The Lowe Family said...

Okay so I just hit the "next blog" button in the upper left hand corner of my blog (which I've never done before) and up popped you're blog.

I'm a truly touched by your story of love.

For some odd reason, I feel like I should share this link with you. And to be 100% honest, I don't usually do this...like NEVER. So please don't judge me.

http://mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/heavenly-father-s-plan-of-happiness/heavenly-father-s-plan-of-happiness

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Jessica