Wednesday, June 18, 2008

decision time

Okay. Here goes. I've decided I am not going to close my blog. Or password protect it. I find my blog too cathartic a place to lay my heart out as I learn to live without Jeff. I will, however, place a disclaimer at the top of the page. I realize that there are some people who do not understand what it is that I am going through. I understand that they are not in the position to know what may help or hinder my path towards a less pained heart. I do not write in this space to cause anyone any pain or discomfort. But I do need a place to release these terrible feelings. I feel that I need this to function as both a human and as a mother. My children need a mother who doesn't feel stifled and filled with sadness and fear. They need a mother who deals with her pain and tries to stand up and face the day again. I do not want to be pent up and angry. I am scared, lost and terribly and horribly bereft after losing my love, my best friend, my husband and the father of my children. I am going to grip onto anything that gives me some peace and my children a less grief stricken mother. I am tired of the drama. I am tired of the issues. And I am tired of the untruthful bullshit. You will not hear about the possiblity of me closing the blog again. I am not 'airing dirty laundry'. I do not believe these thoughts and feelings are that of soiled clothing. This is my life and how I am dealing with it.

16 comments:

Danielle said...

Love your disclaimer! Oh your the best!

Heather said...

Yay Jackie!

Anonymous said...

Touche Pussycat!! ;)

ericandles said...

Well put, and good on ya. I love the direct to nose picking, too.

13mimosa said...

I completely agree that you should be able to vent - if I have ever posted a comment that's upset you, I'm terribly sorry. HOWEVER, this is not about me, so I'll just say that I'll continue to read and wish only good things ahead for you three.

Rach said...

I am pleased you are getting some 'relief' or 'release' from your blog. It is yours and you make it what ever you want it to be. We are just thankful that you wish you share this journey with us. If our listening helps, then you have a million ears...x

Neurotic Chic said...

You go!

Poppy & Mei said...

Right on! Xxx

Anonymous said...

"I do not write in this space to cause anyone any pain or discomfort." I can't even fathom that anyone who knows you in 'real' life would ever doubt this fact. I don't have the pleasure of knowing you in that sense, but based on what I've read here you are caring, loving, giving and doing all you can to walk through this horrific fire while continuing to be a great mother.

I'm pretty sure that the people who are adding to your grief are the types who always maintain they're being victimized, in some manner shape or form. You no longer have the energy to be dealing with this. Although it's hurtful and far from easy, at some point you will feel so much lighter with them out of your life - or at least at a very respectful arms length and no longer in the position where they can selfisly suck the life out of you.

Don't hold back, honey - for the good of you and those two precious children - you have to continue to be true to yourself, without guilt and anyone who deserves to be a part of your life will not only respect this, but will encourage/support it.

I'm proud of you, Jackie.

Laurie

about denise said...

Hey there she is! Way to go Jackie. I don't know Laurie (one of those who has left a comment here) at all, but she took the words out of my mouth.

You have to continue to be true to yourself.

Well done Jackie.

Anonymous said...

Good for you, Jackie. I'll be reading every day.

All the best,
Nancy

Anonymous said...

you rule.

Carle said...

OOOOOH you know how to say what you feel! And good on you!!!

I agree if people dont like your space, they should go elsewhere.

Your truth is liberating!

Peace
Carle

TheSingingBird said...

I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" right now and as the page before the title page states, "Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth." I feel so strongly that you must speak your truth!

I am continuing to say blessings for you and your beautiful children♥

martha said...

Jackie - I haven't commented in quite awhile, but if anyone thinks that you should password protect because they are uncomfortable, then that is their problem, not yours. I am amazed at how strong you are and how much you do for your children.

Jenn said...

I don't remember how I found your blog, but I have sat and read and cried and laughed and loved your words, so truthful and raw and real. I have told my husband about you, we have talked in depth about what I would do if I lost him...or if he lost me.

I feel your pain only in that I have six children and a beautiful husband and I cannot imagine losing him or them. You are amazingly strong...stronger than you know. I know you don't know me and I don't know you...but thank you for letting us read your deepest feelings and thoughts...just know that they may help others in ways you don't even realize!