I am having trouble with sleep. I seem to fall asleep almost every night as I put the kids to bed. Anywhere from 6:45 - 8:15 pm. Not too bad. I collapse into the bed and am asleep before I can even think, "I'm falling asleep. I'd better get up."
At around 11:30pm, I wake up. I lay there and stare into the darkness. I can hear the kid's slow and steady breathing. I imagine what it would be like if I could hear the loud cacophony of Jeff's snoring beside me. I replay that terrible day in my mind. I wonder if he can see me. I wonder if he is even 'here' anymore. I think about all the things that have changed in the last twelve weeks, two days and eight and a half hours. I obsess over financial issues and stew over all the bureaucratic bullshit that I have to iron out concerning Jeff's death. I make a mental list of all the things that I forgot to do that day. I remember that I forgot to put the chickens in for the night. I didn't turn the duck eggs. I didn't spend any time with the dogs. I haven't cleaned up the kitchen from dinner. I'm a crappy mom. I didn't play 'fairy pirates' with Liv when she asked me. I got frustrated with Briar when he hung off my pants nearly exposing my ass in public.
After the hamster wheel has turned around long enough for me to realize that I have to pee more than I have to beat myself up for the evening, I get up to put the chickens away for the night so we don't wake up to more chicken carnage in the morning.
I'll quickly flip the duck eggs.
Oh, I'll just fill the dishwasher and turn it on!
I should give Eli a few snuggles...I feel guilty about being such a crappy dog-mom in the last while. I'll snort at Fuck-les.
I'll quickly check my emails. That'll make me feel accomplished. Maybe the reading will make me sleepy.
I stare out the window and cry. I sob silently so I don't wake the kids up. It hurts my throat and I try to stop.
I notice the moon outside the window. I'll just take one picture. Okay, a few more. I'm just going to quickly load them onto the computer to see if they turned out.....
So after spending a few hours as a semi-lucid somnambulist, I slowly lay down on the bed. I try to not move the bed or disturb Briar at all as I climb in. I am laying there thinking, "Oo! That was a weird thought. Maybe I'm falling asleep. Come on, sleep. I only have a few more hours until the kids get up."
Briar starts to squawk. Liv cries out in her sleep. I stare at the ceiling in a pose that would make a contortionist proud and try to nurse Briar back to sleep.
By five in the morning, I've given up. Just as I give up, I fall asleep. Ten minutes later, Olivia is awake and asking for breakfast.
Fuck, I'm tired.