Why do I have so much trouble knowing what I want or need? I think I know and then I hear someone's (unrequested) opinion and have doubts. I stand up and state why I am doing what I'm doing. I put on a brave face. I take it and I listen. I don't feel listened to at all. I am speaking but nothing comes out as they talk over me and believe themselves to be above me. Then, when they're gone, I worry and doubt myself. I feel angry that I am doubting myself. I feel frustrated that Jeff isn't here to make these decisions with me and that I feel blown by the passing wind of other's notions of right and wrong.
Why do these people think it is their business to tell me if I should homeschool or not? What to do with our car? What job I should get?
I am trying the best I can. I am trying to land on my feet as fast as I can. There is no time to waste as we have no money...so I have to drag myself to my feet and face the wind. Just because I'm standing doesn't mean I'm invincible. It doesn't mean that I feel the comforting support of Jeff holding my hand through this and helping me along.
I am doing the things he and I decided were best for our family before he died. I realize that changes will come. I realize that I have to shift my hopes and dreams. But if I can keep my kids from feeling more turmoil and upheaval than they have in the last while for a little time, then I will do it.
But I hate these people's opinions that are thrust upon my lap like someone else's used tissue. I don't have the energy to chuck them back and I worry that they might just belong in my pocket.
They're free to have their own opinion...can I be free to have mine? It is my and my kid's afterall.
THE FIREHOUSE CHRONICLES – EPISODE 15
3 weeks ago