Monday, June 02, 2008

free to have your own opinion

Why do I have so much trouble knowing what I want or need? I think I know and then I hear someone's (unrequested) opinion and have doubts. I stand up and state why I am doing what I'm doing. I put on a brave face. I take it and I listen. I don't feel listened to at all. I am speaking but nothing comes out as they talk over me and believe themselves to be above me. Then, when they're gone, I worry and doubt myself. I feel angry that I am doubting myself. I feel frustrated that Jeff isn't here to make these decisions with me and that I feel blown by the passing wind of other's notions of right and wrong.
Why do these people think it is their business to tell me if I should homeschool or not? What to do with our car? What job I should get?
I am trying the best I can. I am trying to land on my feet as fast as I can. There is no time to waste as we have no I have to drag myself to my feet and face the wind. Just because I'm standing doesn't mean I'm invincible. It doesn't mean that I feel the comforting support of Jeff holding my hand through this and helping me along.
I am doing the things he and I decided were best for our family before he died. I realize that changes will come. I realize that I have to shift my hopes and dreams. But if I can keep my kids from feeling more turmoil and upheaval than they have in the last while for a little time, then I will do it.
But I hate these people's opinions that are thrust upon my lap like someone else's used tissue. I don't have the energy to chuck them back and I worry that they might just belong in my pocket.
They're free to have their own opinion...can I be free to have mine? It is my and my kid's afterall.


Tanja said...

Don't doubt yourself, you are awesome from what I read here!

I'm glad I found your blog.


Tanja said...

Oh by the way, I just had a look at the sweaters that you and your mom made. I love knitting myself, so I had to admire your work there.
Then I read the name "oma". Are you from Dutch descent? I'm Dutch and moved to the States 8 years ago.


Poppy & Mei said...

OK. Are these people that may have poo-pooed your decsions in the past?
If so, I'd ignore them. It's old news. (I know that's easier said than done.)
You just be you, 'cause lady, we are all in awe...Xxx

Hil said...

They probably think you're making life too hard for yourself, and are telling you to do things that they feel would be easier. It's frustrating as hell, but they don't realize the easy route can be so hard to live with.

Keep doing what you feel is best for you and the children. Do what feels right. Eventually things will come together. Personally? I think you'd be one hell of a pro blogger ... but you didn't ask my opinion. :p

Rach said...

I know its very hard to do, but just try and ignore them. Or tell them to f' off... :) Some times people are not sure how to help so they think they can 'sort' the situation out by telling you what to do. I know I am guilty of this... I hope they leave you alone.

13mimosa said...

I should imagine you just want support in your own decisions and some validation from those important to you that they will help you where they can. It's so rare that we always agree with the decisions of those close to us, but can't we try and appreciate their decisions and support them in them.

It's hard to do anything bar what you're doing, making the decisions that you feel are right for you. It would be nice and so much easier if you could have those around you at least supporting those decisions, even if they don't agree. Perhaps that could be an approach to take, a dialogue to have? Could you say, "Jeff and I discussed these, we spent hours working through these decisions and I want to respect the choices we made. You may not agree with my decisions, but they are mine to make so it would mean a lot to me if you could just support me in them."?

Anonymous said...

With 2 small children life can be difficult, and you are making the best of it. Just live as you are for the moment. In time you will know what to do.

You seem so good with kids and if you need some extra cash you could babysit a couple of kids....probably would be cheaper than putting a child in Daycare!