Wednesday, June 11, 2008


A dreaded driving excursion down island to appointments with lawyers, accountants and bank managers has yielded some benefits that I wasn't expecting. I was alone - no kiddos with me this time. I cranked the music hoping to not have think too much. I played the new Weezer cd hoping that focusing on the lyrics would distract me. No go.
I couldn't help it. I thought and seriously pondered. I had a sudden epiphany. I am afraid. I know I've been saying that nothing scares me anymore. This is true, in part. I am afraid of being 'sad'. I am afraid of feeling this. I realize that I have been 'fighting' this. I have been resisting and trying to find things, distractions, to keep me from fully feeling the range of emotions that I think may be required to heal. I have to let myself be sad. I have to experience this. I can't hide. It'll find me....maybe later, but I'll find me.

I realize that physical and emotion pain are two different creatures; but I think there are marked similarities (of course)and I had the memory of both my labours to help me figure this out. The labour I went through with Liv was long - 29 hours. I fought and screamed. I felt sorry for myself. I was scared and became an animal in pain. I lashed out. Jeff jokingly told me that I reminded him of a pitbull mama. Afterward, I came to realize that my resistance had hampered my progress. I wanted it to stop so I pushed against it. Liv and I ended up having to stay in the hospital for days and I had awful infections which put me back there weeks later. My fighting against this unseen foe (pain), I had unwittingly affected my daughter. She had a broken, fearful and ill mother.
When I gave birth to Briar, I had a completely different perception. The whole experience was different. I knew that the pain was necessary BUT I breathed through it. I told myself it was normal and necessary in order to give birth. I imagined myself completely relaxing and letting my body do what it needed to. Jeff and I walked up and down the road. We watched a movie and even weeded the garden. I let the pain take me and loosened against it. My acquiescence was imperative. I healed so much faster. While I was tired and, at times, overwhelmed, I was capable of being a mother who was there for her little ones.
Much like my first birthing experience, I have been fighting. I have been raging against everything and anything. I have lamented the injustice of Jeff's death. I have tried to hide from feeling and it has been finding unexpected places and times. I think I have to teach myself to release myself to it. I need to feel it to let it stop hurting so badly. It's a necessary evil and maybe on the other side, even though I won't be blessed with a tiny perfect little one, I may have some other gift. At this moment, I have no idea what that would be as I am having difficulty looking forward, but maybe? Just maybe, there will be something that I can take from this feared and loathed experience, and better myself or my life? We'll see, but I am willing to try. If my release will make me heal faster, I'll try.


Poppy & Mei said...

Brilliant. Xxx

13mimosa said...

I know you may not feel it, but you really do come across as the most amazing woman. You wrote a post "11 weeks', I'm proud of how you're managing for yourself and your babes. You'll find a way.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,

This is very beautiful.

It made me think of the lines Robert F. Kennedy quoted from Aeschylus. He found consolation in them after his brother was assassinated:

Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart,
until, in our own despair,
against our will,
comes wisdom
through the awful grace of God.

All my best,