A dreaded driving excursion down island to appointments with lawyers, accountants and bank managers has yielded some benefits that I wasn't expecting. I was alone - no kiddos with me this time. I cranked the music hoping to not have think too much. I played the new Weezer cd hoping that focusing on the lyrics would distract me. No go. I couldn't help it. I thought and seriously pondered. I had a sudden realization....an epiphany. I am afraid. I know I've been saying that nothing scares me anymore. This is true, in part. I am afraid of being 'sad'. I am afraid of feeling this. I realize that I have been 'fighting' this. I have been resisting and trying to find things, distractions, to keep me from fully feeling the range of emotions that I think may be required to heal. I have to let myself be sad. I have to experience this. I can't hide. It'll find me....maybe later, but I'll find me.
I realize that physical and emotion pain are two different creatures; but I think there are marked similarities (of course)and I had the memory of both my labours to help me figure this out. The labour I went through with Liv was long - 29 hours. I fought and screamed. I felt sorry for myself. I was scared and became an animal in pain. I lashed out. Jeff jokingly told me that I reminded him of a pitbull mama. Afterward, I came to realize that my resistance had hampered my progress. I wanted it to stop so I pushed against it. Liv and I ended up having to stay in the hospital for days and I had awful infections which put me back there weeks later. My fighting against this unseen foe (pain), I had unwittingly affected my daughter. She had a broken, fearful and ill mother. When I gave birth to Briar, I had a completely different perception. The whole experience was different. I knew that the pain was necessary BUT I breathed through it. I told myself it was normal and necessary in order to give birth. I imagined myself completely relaxing and letting my body do what it needed to. Jeff and I walked up and down the road. We watched a movie and even weeded the garden. I let the pain take me and loosened against it. My acquiescence was imperative. I healed so much faster. While I was tired and, at times, overwhelmed, I was capable of being a mother who was there for her little ones. Much like my first birthing experience, I have been fighting. I have been raging against everything and anything. I have lamented the injustice of Jeff's death. I have tried to hide from feeling and it has been finding me...in unexpected places and times. I think I have to teach myself to release myself to it. I need to feel it to let it stop hurting so badly. It's a necessary evil and maybe on the other side, even though I won't be blessed with a tiny perfect little one, I may have some other gift. At this moment, I have no idea what that would be as I am having difficulty looking forward, but maybe? Just maybe, there will be something that I can take from this feared and loathed experience, and better myself or my life? We'll see, but I am willing to try. If my release will make me heal faster, I'll try.
This blog contains a fair amount of swearing, painful and difficult subject matter. If you have objections of any kind, I believe it's your right to not agree. But, please, keep those objections to yourself and keep yourself busy withsomething else.
A few musings of a homeschooling, crafting, neurotic, organic loving and, most of all, kiddo adoring mommy...I've now become a widow. My best friend and husband died of a pulmonary embolism on March 25th, 2008. This blog has now become a place for me to mentally unload and try to figure out how to do this and who I am without him.