Friday, April 11, 2008

The anti of social....

I am struggling. I am struggling with the loss of my husband. I am struggling with how to help my children through this horrifying time. I am struggling with accepting help. I am struggling with the feelings that come along with accepting that help and hoping that people understand how thankful I am. I am struggling with my feelings of not wanting to be around...or talking to people. I know that everyone is there and that they just want to wish me well. It warms my heart. But I am not wanting to have this inevitable conversation with everyone (and believe me, it happens with everyone):

Me: Hi.
Them: Hi! How ARE you doing?
Me: As good as can be expected. How are you?
Them: How are the kids?
Me: Oh. They're okay. They're up and down.
Them: Well, they were there, weren't they? or That must have been so hard. or How are you coping? or I understand. I lost my dad last year.

And then, it ALWAYS comes around to me having to relive the moments that led up to and the minute detail of the loss of Jeff. Even if I'm not asked, it eventually gets there. It's all I think about. It's always on my mind. The look on his face. The sounds. My terror. The kid's confusion. The doctor's words. It's ALWAYS there. I don't want to talk about it too. It's like some sudden and awful elephantitis that has sproated from the side of my head. It's impossible not to acknowledge it....but I don't want to. I don't want to talk. I don't want to visit. I can't help but to mention it and they can't help but to ask....even in round about ways.

I so appreciate everyone's concern and thoughts and help. I just can't talk right now. I am totally fine with everyone reading the blog to check up on 'how we are' but I can't respond to your calls right now. I just need to be an introvert for awhile. I'm so sorry. Please try to understand.


Danielle said...

I totally get it!

Krista said...

It's really, really, really, really okay. Be where you need to be, when you need to be there. I hope this inquisition stage (the million questions and inevitable converations and revisitings) has an end. I've never gone through this, or even known anyone who has, so who's to say how long it lasts... But I'm here. I wish there was some way I could permanently reassure you that there is no need for thanks, or guilt or reassurance my way, or any of our ways. And I am so glad you are open and honest and are taking care of yourself and your needs each day.

Poppy & Mei said...

Right on...Xxx

Hallie said...

I know you don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers for awhile now. I'm not even sure how I found your blog, maybe it was a homeschool link or a craft thing, I don't know but when I read of your loss I swear I could feel your pain in your words and it touched me. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and your beautiful children and wonder how things are going and hope that you all have at least one bright spot in your day. I have never been through anything like this so I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, I just want you to know that you have so many people (as I can see from the comments) caring about you and so many more that you don't even know. We have never met but reading your blogs make me feel as tho we have and I think if we were in the same area we would be the best of friends. My heart goes out to you and your family ...I wish I were there to bring you dinner. Food is the only thing I ever know to do at a time like this. I know you don't know me, and totally understand if you don't want me to but I would love to send a package to your kids. I make handpuppets and would love to brighten their days if even for a split second...Hang in there...

Your far away friend,

Rach said...

You don't need to do or say any thing to us. We are here. That's all. When you want, there are people to listen. When you don't, we