Wednesday, April 09, 2008

guilty conscience

I can't help myself. I have been beating myself up....and I think I deserve it.
I wonder if Jeff knew I loved him. I worry that he didn't realize how very important he was to me. He always said, "I love you." when we hung up on the phone....even if he was angry. I didn't. My petty little gesture haunts me.
It was Jeff's birthday nine days before he died. I had plans to do something great. Something fun and creative. I was going to do something with the photos I had taken of the kids days before. I even had the card! Liv and I made devil's foodcake cupcakes. Briar promptly threw all but two of them in the dirty dish water....I didn't remake them. I didn't give him the card. I didn't even give him a gift. He was upset. I thought I had time to make it better.
The night before he died he said to me, "You know you're my best friend, right?" I just said, "I know." WHY? What was possessing me? Why didn't I tell him that he was mine too that time? Why didn't I hold him just a little longer that night?
These moments replay like a squeaky hamster wheel as the moments pass through my head over and over again. I stare at the ceiling in the dark taking stock of all the awful thigns I said and did. I always thought I was the 'evolved' one. The 'mature' one. I was wrong. I was so wrong.
I wish I could go back and tell him how I really feel. Tell him that I was so lucky to have him. That he taught me so much. That I was so happy to have him. Tell him I have always loved him....that I was an ass.

8 comments:

Poppy & Mei said...

Jackie,
I am sure one of the trade offs for not being able to be with you in body is that Jeff now knows EVERYTHING!
Xxx

Yarrow said...

I agree with Bex, there is a way that he knows. And most likely always has known, he was with you wasn't he? He knew....its normal to feel this way, it will pass. Peace will come. Believe. Blessings.

Becky said...

Sweetie, he knew, Of course he knew.

*hugs*

regan said...

Oh, i feel for you. I deeply feel for you now. Your heart must be breaking in so many ways (from regret, for your children, from soul-deep devastation). I'm so sorry for this to have happened like this for you. I nursed regrets like this when my father died - and i still occasionally do (4 years later). But i truly believe that Jeff's spirit is now in a place of joy + understanding and those small aggressions are so tiny in the scheme of things. He's got this vantage point now. I don't want to be too wacky for you, but why don't you talk to him about this pain: apologize and tell him that you love him. That you're sorry that the weight + stresses of life prevented you from expressing your love at all times. That you've learned a powerful lesson. I bet you that you will feel his acknowledgement in that moment: a shift in feeling / a thought or memory / an meaningful object being brought to your attention.. I say all of this b/c I've read many books by spiritual mediums (Sylvia Brown / James VanPraagh / John Edwards / etc.) and they all - across the board - say the exact same things about the spirits that have "crossed over" and wish to connect with loved ones still here. They are happy + finally fulfilled + want, more than anything, for us to know that they are fine and with us still, even in our everyday dealings.

I experienced this with my father following a moment of regret: "why didn't i just put my arms around him and tell him that i loved him...Why did i stand there alienated from him + myself and allowing him to feel the same?" The description is too long for here, but immediately following this thought, i looked down and realized that the book i was holding held a profound message for me on the cover. From him. Too great a coincidence.

I don't know you! I ended up here via the blog web. (From Dress me up dot ca to Bamboletta) I might be being far too forward for this time... I really don't mean to be offering inappropriate ideas, but i'm so moved by your family's experience right now....

I'm a mother too, and my heart aches for you. I'm sorry.

Love, Rai

Simone said...

Tell him now. Say it out loud. He probably knew all along anyway.x

Jacks said...

{{{Hugs}}}

Be kind with yourself, he knows, and has always known.

Tell him know, have that conversation with your love, he's listening.

Anonymous said...

Piglet
Thats the girl Jackie, let it all out, we are all listening - he is home now, talk to him.
Jeff knows that you love him, he know that he was your best friend,he is there with you
Remember God only puts us through what we can get through.
Your stroung, and you have two little darlings that will help you remember all the stories their dad told them.
I am thinking about you.
Love Pooh

Anonymous said...

Five days before my Mom died I said to her, You're not the centre of the universe, you know!'. It was a stupid fight. I was mad. And I was wrong...she totally was the centre of the universe.

I know this feeling of regret, playing things over and over again in your mind. I hope she knows I'm sorry.