missing him

I miss how Jeff loved me. The comfortable knowing that he loved me...every bit of me. He thought my panic-filled neurosis were endearingly hilarious. He thought I was beautiful as even when I had just woken up or had packed on a tonne of baby weight. None of it mattered to him. He loved to be with me. He laughed at me....not in a mean way, just in a comforting you're-such-a-silly-spaz-and-I-think-it's-great kind of way.

We definitely didn't always see eye-to-eye. We had our share of disagreements, but I felt safe to not agree with him. It was okay. He loved me even when I thought he was being an idiot (or vice versa).

I am so very lonely. Not lonely for other people. Just lonely for him and our life together. We were a team. How do I do this alone? Why did this have to happen? What am I going to do?

I think to the outside world it looks like I am functioning. I am used to doing some of this on my own because I am used to him going fishing. But I am not functioning. The pain hasn't gotten better. I am just learning how to carry it. And it sucks. It really, really sucks.