Wednesday, April 02, 2008

trying

I am really trying to stand up. I am trying to breathe. I am trying to take one step after another.
People tell me that I sound better. That I have lost the bereft monotone sound in my voice....Where has it gone? I can still feel it.
I am not in the numb state of shaking shock, but I am so lost. scared. lonely.
I keep thinking that no one wants to hear about it anymore. No one wants to have the 'downer'. That I am expected to hold my chin up and at least not whimper and cry out.
I took the kids out to the store by myself today. I sat in the car at the parking lot for a long time just breathing and telling myself, "You can do it. It's okay. The kids are here and you can't lose it."
I made it through the first store. I did a second store, but halfway through, I almost lost it. I was standing in the line-up to pay and just wanted to scream, "This is all bull-shit!" The never-ending rows of meaningless crap, and stupid elevator music. The people worrying about who goes next in line. The stuff. It just all doesn't matter. It bothers me normally but today, I couldn't take it. Our families are more important than this ephemeral crap. My husband was more important. I can't get him back. I think I'm losing it.

15 comments:

Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND said...

I cannot imagine what it must be like or how one could get through something like this. I am reading along and sharing your pain, although I have no advice to offer. Just being here with you. My cousin died 4 weeks ago and left a wife and a family of 3 kids - they were all very close. I think about them every day. - Kristie

Rach said...

Jackie, you can talk about it with us whenever you need to, you know that. Don't ever be afraid to ask help - they are so many people out here to help you. Although you feel terribly lonely, you are not and never will be alone. L, rach

Poppy & Mei said...

I think you sound pretty sane to me, love.
God, it's only just happened.
Let others go to the store for you, take the kids to the park etc. & you just rest & be as angry as you like. It's healthy...Xxx

Maire said...

I have come to your blog through big and little. I do sometimes imagine life without my husband who is also my best friend as i am in my mid 50's and so probably more than half way through my life. The dark cold lonely place that i touch on when i do this is somewhere i turn my mind away from straight away, i can barely stand to imagine it.

You are having to live it and it brings tears to my eyes to think of you.

It is trite but you will deal with it, and it might help a tiny bit to tell yourself this when that voice in your head says you will never cope and never live again.

If any of the drawings or paintings in your previous post were your I think you could definately illustrate books which might fit in with home educating.

Excuse my impudence in suggesting ideas to you when i can scarcely imagine the place you are in now but i just had to express my grief for your situation and my hope for your future.

Maire

Yarrow said...

We don't expect you to be 'done' with your grief and pain. We are here to listen, real people who care about you and don't worry about the "downer". Don't try to stuff what you feel, it needs to come out. Every one here has very good advice, try to use what you can. Love and blessings.

Krista said...

Hello this morning, Jackie. I think this simple act of writing it out (and receiving so much support and feedback) is just so invaluable. I'm so glad you're doing it.

I planned to check if you're okay to have me visit either today or tomorrow (whatever's better for you), I've got some things to drop off and Liv maybe could come to sheep shearing with us at Marylou's today?

I am so proud of you for attempting and concuring the trip to the store! You are amazing! I completely hear you on how all of the "stuff" wouldn't matter... it doesn't, actually! You have amazing insight. Don't forget, it's probably a fact that you're going to feel like you're 'losing it' many times before you get on the other side of this deepest grieving time... that's why I'm here, to tell you you're not. I really hope it helps.

I'll call today, only pick up if you have the need in that moment, trust me, I mean it!!!!! I'll try back again.

Krista said...

Oh, that was supposed to say you're not "losing it", just to clarify. And you grieve as deeply and as long as you need and do not hesitate to share at any moment you need to if that's what you're feeling you need to do!!! It will never come across as "being a downer", please trust that!

And don't worry about that last bit on my post from yesterday, I won't be passing any bugs your way if you'd like me to take Liv out... I think I just over did it yesterday. I'm feeling better this morning. See you soon, sweet lady.

Danielle said...

Jackie, You are amazingly strong person. Dont ever think that you have to hold it together for everybody else, You take the time you need. You are not a downer, you are a survivor! You are doing excactly what it takes for you.
Remember that Jeff is with you, he is the wind blowing through your hair, he is the sunlight on your face.
Anytime you need anything, let me know. Big hugs

sara said...

Hello,
I just stumbled across your blog and I just wanted to offer you a bit a love to help you through your loss of your husband. I am at a loss for words, but I can imagine that it is extremely painful to live through. And I must add or just reinforce the other commenters' opinions that by no means do you need to hold this stuff in. Let it out for sure. I am glad you have your blog as a medium to release some of your feelings. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jackie,

I just recently started reading your blog. I wish every one of us responding to you could take a little piece of your grief and lighten your load. Grief is a hard process and something you have to go through, not around. Someone once said something to me that comforted me when I was grieving -- when you are climbing up a dark staircase, you only need enough light for the step you are on.

I wish you strength and comfort from your family and friends. i wish you moments of relief as you go through this.

With much love,
Ellen

Mrs. B said...

I haven't been able to stop thinking about your family since your first post. I have cried a few times now for you, thinking about your horrible loss. Your beautiful words and post about his hands and huge ring brought me to tears, reminded me so much of my husband! It is my worst fear in life! I am so sorry for your loss. He will live on through your memories, and your children everyday and in the hearts of all who loved him. I wish I could just give you a hug and be there for you, take the kids to the park for a few hours, whatever you needed! Please don't feel that you are dwelling on his loss, it is a horrible thing and will take a lot of time to accept and come to terms with. Life will be different in many ways now for you and the children, and there will be many times you will think of something, or hear a song, and you will just start to cry and that's just fine! Don't worry about what other people think. Just focus on you and the kids! Don't ever be afraid to ask for help either, there are many people out there with the ability to help in many different ways!

Kelsey

Blossoms n Pits said...

I haven't been able to stop thinking about your family since your first post. I have cried a few times now for you, thinking about your horrible loss. Your beautiful words and post about his hands and huge ring brought me to tears, reminded me so much of my husband! It is my worst fear in life! I am so sorry for your loss. He will live on through your memories, and your children everyday and in the hearts of all who loved him. I wish I could just give you a hug and be there for you, take the kids to the park for a few hours, whatever you needed! Please don't feel that you are dwelling on his loss, it is a horrible thing and will take a lot of time to accept and come to terms with. Life will be different in many ways now for you and the children, and there will be many times you will think of something, or hear a song, and you will just start to cry and that's just fine! Don't worry about what other people think. Just focus on you and the kids! Don't ever be afraid to ask for help either, there are many people out there with the ability to help in many different ways!

Kelsey

Sherri said...

I am grateful that you are sharing your thoughts at this time; we all want to be here for you, to listen and comfort you. Is there anyone that can help you with the little ones? Maybe just an hour or two so that you can have a little time?
I know how difficult it can be to have to continue on in routine for the babies and have this mountain of grief inside. I know it is not easy. Please, let yourself feel all the emotions that come. When you let the feelings flow, they will dissipate over time, if you resist, it will persist. I understood everything you were saying about and observing in the store. None of that matters.
Feeling like you are losing it is very normal, unfortunately. You just experienced a difficult loss and I send you every piece of positive energy I can muster!
Sincerely, Sherri

Anonymous said...

Jackie (Piglet)
I'm Thinking about you. I on your side and believe it or not I am here to help you hold up.

I think about life without Jeff as a friend-unimaginable and my heart pours out to you- I want to reach out and grad you and drag you with me to make sure that you will be ok.

I think about the day that I saw Jeff and stories he told me.
He talked about you and your gardening skills along with your crafts and how wonderful a mom you are - he was glowing.

He spoke of Olivia and just how fast she was growing but still didn't know where she got that temper from - we laughed, you should have seen his face - it was glowing.

He told me about briar and telling me he had some other child in a headlock for taking his toy, Jeff knew that that was not right but Thats my little man he said - did I mention his face - it was glowing for the love of his family.

Thanks the way I will remember him.

And on a light note - I realize just how boring karokee is going to be. :)

I am here for you, I miss you, I wish again that I lived closer to you.

I will call in a couple of days to say hello and it is ok if you do not feel like talking - I will leave a message and call again.

Love you - Pooh

Anonymous said...

It's like reading my life....

Melody