I am really trying to stand up. I am trying to breathe. I am trying to take one step after another.
People tell me that I sound better. That I have lost the bereft monotone sound in my voice....Where has it gone? I can still feel it.
I am not in the numb state of shaking shock, but I am so lost. scared. lonely.
I keep thinking that no one wants to hear about it anymore. No one wants to have the 'downer'. That I am expected to hold my chin up and at least not whimper and cry out.
I took the kids out to the store by myself today. I sat in the car at the parking lot for a long time just breathing and telling myself, "You can do it. It's okay. The kids are here and you can't lose it."
I made it through the first store. I did a second store, but halfway through, I almost lost it. I was standing in the line-up to pay and just wanted to scream, "This is all bull-shit!" The never-ending rows of meaningless crap, and stupid elevator music. The people worrying about who goes next in line. The stuff. It just all doesn't matter. It bothers me normally but today, I couldn't take it. Our families are more important than this ephemeral crap. My husband was more important. I can't get him back. I think I'm losing it.
The Firehouse Chronicles – Episode 14
5 days ago