Friday, April 18, 2008

broken everything

I just want to let you know that if you don't hear from me for a few days it's because my computer is broken. It crashes constantly, freezes often and is a general pain in the bum. My camera isn't working either.
The basement is in disarray from my little flood and there is chicken bedding littering the stairs. There is paper work seemingly everywhere that I have to fill out regarding Jeff's death and the changing over of car insurance, etc. from the two of us to only me.
Life seems to be in chaos. I can't seem to get anything done. At least, anything that stays done. I clean the kitchen and within minutes it's messy again. I wash the floor and then someone comes over and wears their muddy shoes in the house. I try to organize some of the paperwork only to find that I need some other piece of paperwork and have to get it from some office. I forget to pay attention when they tell me and then it just all seems like too much.
However, I came home yesterday to dinner on the front porch. (Thanks so very, very much, Michelle!) It's wonderful because I keep forgetting to take things out of the freezer for dinner and when I look in the fridge, I just stare into it's depths and forget to plan dinner. We end up having scrambled eggs.
I am still so wonderfully awed by people's assistance. I know it won't last forever but it is so comforting knowing that for the time being we'll be okay...at least food and bills wise....mentally, I just don't know.
I find accepting help still very hard. I try to do things to cheer Liv up and have the three of us looking forward to something but then find myself worrying that someone else might not like that we spent some money on paint. I had this when I bought the paint for the playhouse the other day. I felt apologetic and felt that I needed to explain to the hardware store man (he knows us) why we needed paint. Do I need to justify it? Probably not. But I am always worried about trying to make sure that I only spend money on what someone who gave us a few dollars would want us to spend it on. Smiles from a confused and sad little five year old are worth it, right?

Liv is having a hard time now. She has nightmares often and is rather fearful. She is worried that something will happen to me or that I won't return to pick her up from playdates with her buddies. She says she can't sleep because she just ends up crying since she 'misses Daddy so much'. Out of the blue, she'll ask "Why did Daddy die?" "How did Daddy turn into ashes?" "Who is going to fix my watch now?" When we go to the doctor, she wants the doctor to listen to her lungs and heart to make sure she's okay. Oh, I so want to make it better.
I end up sleeping...or trying to sleep with a child in each arm while I lay on my back. They wimper and cry out in their sleep and Briar often wakes up and calls out for Jeff. In fact, he calls out for Jeff quite often now. It's strange because initially I wasn't sure that he would notice too much because Jeff would fish away from home. I thought he'd be used to Jeff be gone some of the time. He starts crying out for Jeff though and calls for him for long periods of time....during the day as well. I try to explain that 'Daddy's gone'. A one year old has no idea what this means. Liv gets annoyed and covers her ears and screams "Daddy's DEAD! Daddy's DEAD! Daddy's DEAD!" It's as close to living a nightmare as it can get, I think.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jackie,
Nothing I say could make it better...

but please know that I am listening.
You are loved, and we are listening.
-Wendy

Anonymous said...

Oh honey, it's so sad and hard. My heart goes out to you. I'm so grateful that there are people around you taking care of you and your little family. No, it doesn't get any harder than this.

- nancy

Becky said...

Oh sweetie.

I'm so damn sorry.

Mama Randa Morning Glory said...

I know it's hard to accept help. Please don't worry too much about what you spend the money on that people have given to you. Those who have donated have done so osimply to help you in WHATEVER way you need. So if some paint, ice cream, movies, or ANYTHING makes your day a little bit brighter, then by golly, GET IT. You will be taken care of. In whatever way you need. Hang in there . It may help for the kids to gout on trips (museums, natural areas etc.). Even if you don't feeling like going out in public, perhaps there are friends/family who could take the kids out so that they can remember positivity rather than get stuck in a rut of sadness. Your home will always remind them of daddy's absence-- they may be helped to go somewhere, even for a day, where they can get their mind off it for a bit. Much love to you.