I find being out in the fresh air to be a therapy of sorts. The kids are free to roam and play.
I am free to wonder where Jeff is, what he is and 'if' he is. It consumes my thoughts almost constantly now.
I have been researching various beliefs surrounding life after death. I have numerous books out of the library supporting both sides of the argument. I am looking for books that have a 'scientific' bend to them. I just find that most of the 'experiments' have places that I can poke holes through, theories that are just theories and unsubstantiated hypothesis. I realize that 'faith' is something that you can't find concrete answers for...you just have to have faith. I just don't have that now.On the other hand, I don't find the idea of my own mortality to be as terrifying as I once did. Either Jeff is there to meet me on the other side, or he's not. But either way, he has gone there before me and the thought that he could be there is comforting.
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His death has made me realize just how ridiculously unimportant the majority of the issues that we face in our lifetime are. Our lives are so unbelievably brief...I didn't realize how brief before. Is any of it really worth the stress and the bother? I don't think so. The only thing that is important is the love we share with each other.
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His death has made me realize just how ridiculously unimportant the majority of the issues that we face in our lifetime are. Our lives are so unbelievably brief...I didn't realize how brief before. Is any of it really worth the stress and the bother? I don't think so. The only thing that is important is the love we share with each other.
My problem lately is showing that love. I love my children so hugely that the enormity of it startles me at times. Unfortunately, right now, I seem to be possessed by some angry, impatient and frustrated mother who just would rather sleep than do ANYTHING. I worry that my kids are feeling that I don't value them as much as I always have. If anything, I care MORE for them now (if that's even possible). I am just so worn out. Grief is exhausting, I'm finding.
I am trying to get back onto the rhythm we had for Liv's schooling. We still look in books to check out that various birds we see, we talk about ideas and places and Liv reads to me. But I just can't seem to record it and 'report' to her school.
My time is consumed by calling about medical insurance, cleaning out the car, getting the windshield fixed, writing thank you notes and trying to put together something edible for the kids. I have no gas left over.I'm sorry if this post is just a giant complaint...I just can't seem to kick off from the bottom yet. I am too tired to swim to the surface.
P.S. Thank you SO very, very much for lending me your fabulous camera, Krista. I think I'm in love.
P.S. Thank you SO very, very much for lending me your fabulous camera, Krista. I think I'm in love.
2 comments:
Grief is terribly hard work. Don't ever apologize for how you feel right now. You're doing a great job handling it all.
*hugs*
It doesn't sound like you're complaining to me, it just sounds like Venting. Like your working thru your feelings. Your children seem to be thriving (judging by the recent photos) You have written about how you are Loving on them, clinging to them, talking to them about their Dad, letting Them talk about their Dad, and how you have been seeking out rescources for therapy for them. I'd say that they know you Love them. Just like you, they only want, and need for you to be there for them. My daughter and I have been struggling with the sudden loss of my nephew this past fall. She just started reading '90 minutes in heaven' It's a true story about the writers experience in heaven. She says that it has been helping her a great deal and is adamant that I read it also. Maybe it might be something for you to check out of the library if it's avail. I know your struggling with Faith/Belief in the Afterlife. Faith is just that. It's knowing that you know that you know. A hard thing to grasp onto when your hurting so. But...you have to grab onto something. I will continue to pray for you and your beautiful family. God Bless!
Pam
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