Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I'm back

at least computer-wise. My good friend, Simon, performed 'surgery' on three computers and constructed a new-to-us computer for us! It is amazing to be able to use a computer and to not have it freeze or crash regularly....as in every two minutes or so. It makes you type really quickly.

I am really trying to be a bit more upbeat. Internally, it's not working. I actually think it's getting worse as the newness of this nightmare fades away and I am having to face a reality in which I am alone and having to raise our little ones on my own. But externally, I am able to function a little more effectively. My short-term memory is still SHOT but I am keeping up with housework a little better. I am trying to pay more attention to the needs of the kids as well. It's not that they have been at all neglected during this time but they are so used to a mommy who plays, creates and dances with them...Not a mommy who stares out the window and cries. It must be so hard for them to understand where their mommy 'went' after their daddy died.

Olivia is continuing to struggle. She has told me that she doesn't want to cry because she can't stop. She doesn't want to talk about Jeff or her feelings because there is no use. She says no one can help because 'no one can bring my daddy back'. I have contacted child and youth mental health and a non-profit society that deals with grief in children. Mental health has a waiting list. The non-profit society took two and a half weeks to call me back after numerous calls and then told me that they don't have anything available until September. None of the therapists in town deal with children and don't have any hints on where to look. The library has a horrible and incomplete set of books on death and grieving for young children. I have had to order a few books at the local bookstore for her. I think that there is a remarkable lack of resources for children in crisis. I'm going to continue to hunt for help for Olivia, my little bean. I hate to see her hurt so badly.

I am finding that many of the things that gave me comfort in the initial days after Jeff's death are now hard to deal with. I fervently looked through photo albums, listened to voice mail messages and examined his fishing bag. Now I find that these things strike so close to the bone. They make me cry. I know that I should cry and grieve...but it honestly causes me physical pain now. I don't think I have ever cried so hard as I do now. I am so tired of crying. I feel some amount of relief after but during it is hard to breathe, my face and throat hurt and I feel as if I could implode. I would prefer to sleep and make it all dissolve into dreams...and hopefully have a dream about my love. Even if I do wake up with a devastating feeling of loss after the realization that it was just a dream. God, I miss him.


Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,

I was touched by your bird post, and at the risk of sounding like a nut, I'd like to draw your attention to a book by William Wharton called Ever After. (He also wrote Birdy, which was made into a movie.) Ever AFter is the account of his life after his daughter and her husband and children were killed in a car crash. At the end of the book he tells of his strange encounter with a bird a year after the accident. He feels it was a visitation from her in some way. Wharton has a deep afinity for birds. (Check him out on amazon.com.) I think this event with the goldfinch is unusual and hope you take some comfort from it.


Neurotic Chic said...

I hope you've found the book When Dinosaurs Die. It is excellent - I loan it all the time to families with kids who have had someone close die.

Link to book info

Becky said...

I'm sorry Jackie. I'm just so sorry for your loss. Your Jeff sounds like a one in a million kind of person, and the world is a worse place without him here.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,

Sometimes Hospice offers services for children who are greiving. Counselling, play therapy. Not sure about your community, but it might be worth a shot.

katiehollott said...

Hello Jackie, you don't know me, I came across you through Krista's blog. I am so so sorry for your loss. I am in Victoria, but I lived in Ladysmith for a number of years. I was seeing a therapist there who was wonderful. She did a lot of work with children and has an theraputic art and play room for them. Let me no if you are interested and I will email you her name and contact info. She was also very helpful with a sliding scale payment schedule. Good luck to you and yours, feel free to email me through my blog.

Design Diva said...

Hi Jackie, Please know that you are normal, everything you feel is just as is should be for now and you are not alone! Resources that helped us were The Dougy Center www.dougy.org, the book, Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert/Chuck DeKlyen and www.kidsaid.com. I hope these resources can help you too. Love, Tracie

Rach said...

Welcome back Jackie. I will check with my mother-in-law, who is a teacher/librarian to see if she can recommend any books. I will email you her ideas. xxx

Anonymous said...

Hello Jackie,

I'm also a stranger, and found your blog through another just a week before your husband passed away. I have been touched again and again by the love so apparent in your family. I am on the opposite coast from you, *but* this great organization, The Children's Room in Boston at least has some things (books, websites, etc.) on their resource page that might be helpful as a starting point: http://www.childrensroom.org/resources.htm

I wish you more and more spontaneous genuine smiles.