the new 'girl time'

I had planned to go on a weekend trip with the 'girls' to one of the smaller islands near here this last weekend. Jeff was going tomake sure that he wasn't fishing so he would be home to be with the kids. They would've been my first nights away from both little 'uns and Jeff ever. Yoga classes were planned. Wine was to be ingested and tonnes of unedited conversation and laughter.

Plans have had to change for me and I couldn't go. But my darling friends phoned and asked me to come anyway. Bring the kids. Just come. So we went for the day. It was lovely. I so wish we could have stayed longer. It was amazing to be with friends...and just be. I didn't have to talk. The kids were happy to play and talk with the 'girls'. Liv even opened up to a couple of them while shelling prawns and talked about how she was coping. It was wonderful to overhear this conversation....It hurts when I hear her talk about the pain but it helps her. To know that everyone was okay with this and no one was going to go 'all stiff' and make her worried about what she was saying was refreshing.

I find that the ocean makes me sad now. I don't look out and wonder where the boat is and if they'll be headed in to unload soon. I look out and I can feel his absence. It doesn't look full of sparkles and mysteries anymore. It looks grey and ominous. It's as if the sea knows he's gone. And with his death dies a connection that I always had with him. I could feel the water on the shore with my toes and know that it was connected to the ocean that cradled his boat.