Wednesday, April 16, 2008

sorry.

I'm sorry. I sat in the porch swing with a cup of camomile tea and listened to the frogs. I calmed down. I breathed. I cried and breathed. But I feel a bit better now. I feel like my last post was a bit of a tantrum in itself.
Everyday I try to come up with something new to write on the blog....something non-death. But sorry, I have 'nuthin' at this time. I keep meaning to take pictures of the chicks and write about my love for those funny little puff balls. I want to write that I finally got my garden planted (I really did). But, I'm sorry, my mind is consumed lately. I hope you can handle it for awhile. I'm afraid that I am just too down and it stills feels so fresh.
By the way, for any of you who have been concerned about my mental welfare, Liv and I will be speaking to a counsellor in the next while....

7 comments:

Neurotic Chic said...

Strength

We don't always have to be strong to be strong.
Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable.
Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop
focusing on fear, cannot be strong.

There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible.
Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas.
Sometimes we cry in front of people.
We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to.
We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength.
We ARE strong.
We have proven that.
Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that is it okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."

~ Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

martha said...

Jackie - I've been struggling with the right thing to say to you over the last few weeks. But all I keep coming up with is: it's okay to feel the way you do. Don't apologize for it; I cannot even begin to imagine the grief you must be feeling. From your posts and the love that you two obviously shared for one another I find it hard to believe he is gone completely, even if that means through your children, and I hope that gives comfort. Take care.

regan said...

Jackie,

You don't have to BE anything for us blog readers. This blog is for YOU. It's YOURS. Don't waste your energy trying to shape it into something positive for us if that's not where you're at. I'm so honoured that you trust "us" enough to share the reality of this time. Your last post made me cry because you described the truth of your feelings, and my heart understood + was touched by that truth. The poignancy of the toothbrush + phonebill is too much to bear. It's mind boggling. I would feel EXACTLY like you're feeling (and about the sheets from a few posts back too).

I don't think you need to apologize about anything right now.

xo Rai xo

Jacks said...

Do what *you* need to do. This is your place and I find that in your honesty an undeniable beauty is revealed.

FREE RANGE KIDS said...

My heart is aching for you.

thegoodwitch said...

I don't think any of us wonder about your mental welfare! You are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now. I hope that the counsellor helps you find some useful tools, but I can tell you from personal experience that it is harder, in the long run, NOT to grieve than to realise the sadness of such a tremendous loss and live with it in the moment. Society places too much import on the happy face; when, in truth, what makes us human is our ability to love and feel and grieve. Please don't ever feel hurried.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for what?!? Being real?! Being human?! Emoting?! If now is not the time to be allowed real emotion, then when is it ok?